The Lights
Seems to me that all the noodles withing my pro alphabet soup squirm evasively at the subject of my light psychosis. I most often believe the squirming is akin to asking them to discuss a Sunday sermon. See the light and never question. . . Light good. Dark bad.
It is hard for me to believe that my light trigger is purely psychosomatic. However much I treat it as psychosomatic, the physical components remain. One of those physical components is a kaliedescope of various colored lights which I see each and every time I close my eyes and/or close myself in a light-free chamber. My night sight is excellant. I am frequently amazed at what I hear called, "Darkness." You seriously can't see that rich array of night lights? I am so, so sorry. . . You are missing quite a show. Not all of God's lights are high intensity.
Lights figured mightily into my last hospital level breakdown in 1999. I attempted to discuss it with an array of professionals, including eye doctors. It was the last time I tried to discuss it with med/psych pros. It is a far easier discussion with astronomers and students of physical light, but . . . There are casual theories afloat that the med park inhabitants are blinded by their own lights, both electric and metaphorical. Don't expect objectivity there.
Over the course of this very long and obscure herstory, the lights I see when I close my eyes have become a part of my daily meditations and personal inventory. I don't much care what the noodles in the pro alphabet soup think of that. When those lights are chaotic and painful, I pay very close attention to my psych and physical inventories. I am in another round of feeling a gentle need to find words for when they coalesce into patterns and shapes. This mornings patterns and shapes were quite lovely.
Yesterday with K (my church friend) was good medicine. So was the professional courtesy and competance I received from the plumbers who dug the tree roots out of the sewer line yesterday morning. Praise be to a free flowing flush! I am feeling calm as I await the appointment I have this morning with the miscreant contractor. His 2.5 month performance record has my expectations dysfunctionally fluid. Letting God lead that dance. . .
Replies
Actually, I didn't bother to read further than the first paragraph, b/c bio-nerd in me can tell you with uter certainty: Light good, dark bad? Tha's our hindbrain and has been with us since the ancestors were still evolving opposable thumbs and bipedal walking. Twilights at dawn/dusk = high predator acctivity. Dark = can't see threats. No psychosis to it. An enhanced response? Maybe. Psychosis? Nope. And, frankly, you may have a genetic tendency to night vision, etc., that feeds into (or whatevers into) the issue.
So... yeah. Let that one not trouble you too much, if possible? B/c reading your words, I'm like, "Well, duh, that's perfectly natural and sensible." It's not only that we're evolved for this but tha we train ourselves. E.g., I spot animals where ohers can't see anything, but to me the animal is obvious. That's partly evolution in my neural whatevers, and partly my early self training to find potential threats befofre I'm found.
Take that, leave that, free-flow flush it, whatever, but.... I find this all quite within th erange of not-remotely worrying, even dare I say "normal".
Support, no matter what.
I didn't bother to read between your first paragraph and last paragraph, either, Leo. Maybe later. . . For now, honesty appreciated.
Thank you for the support.
Oh geez, that sounded horrible! I responded with the light stuff, but I did read the rest! *facepalm* I apologize! Just after I replied about light, b/c I wanted to get that out before my brain fizzled. I'm so sorry! Ack. *puma exposes belly in apology*
Apology accepted, Leo. Thank you for illustrating the reactive phenom I have come to expect outside the astronomy and physical light study arena.
Scratching the exposed belly tenderly. . . Do Pumas like doggie treats?
The only contractor surprise of the morning is that the man had the courtesy to let me know he breaking the appointment and offered a reschedule date instead of making me beg for it.
I answered, "Thank you for the notice, but. . . Enough, Mister _____. You are fired. Full refund expected."
I decided to leave off the "Legal action pending" part. That might be more obvious than Honey Done divorce papers.
I really don't think illustrating a reactive phenomenon is a good thing.... It's just.... I know biologically we're visual critters an dLight=Safety and if you're associatin git that way consciously, it's like doubling down on Ntaure's hard-wiring and I"m such a fuckhead! I'm so so sorry! OMG, I feel awful!
Pumas allegedly eat dogs, but I thin a doggie treat sounds much better. Thank you for accepting my apology. I hope I can earn forgiveness as well.
Inside my strictly personal psycho baggage car, recognizing a phenom is an ugly necessity in finding a remedy. Illustrating ^it^ is a step toward being able to share the load.
As for the biology behind Light = Safety. . . Freak feel growing. . . Am I really human?
Wouldn't surprise me to see dogs eating pumas, either, but maybe dog treats can help them learn to be friends. Here's to hoping. . . I promise I would buy puma treats for Persilly. She might even meow for one. . .
Forgiveness given with sincere joy, Leo. Equally sincere appreciation for the growth in the dialog.
Thank you. It's a great gift, and I take it as one.
Puma treats... Well, this one eats chocolate bunnies only. Snowshoe hares perfectly safe! That said, Persilly can't have chocolate, so a good quesadilla maybe?
Persilly might be willing to meow for those, too. Dogs are such gluttons and my sweetie bitch is no exception. If it comes from a human hand, she'll at least give it a taste, even if the hand is wearing a puma glove.
He cancelled the appt.?!
Believe it or not, cancelling is an improvement on the performance he has been giving. "Leave 'em hanging" has been his usual through most of the 2.5 months. Still, the improvement feels like too little, too late. Time to move on. . .
Yes, I wish you a much better outcome going forward!
Thank you, Firefly. Support sorely needed. This fiasco has flushed my self-confidence down the toilet.
Onward through the fog. . .
Onward with puma power.
Well, there must have been some peace in sending that your fired. You were Grace under pressure all the way through that ordeal, and I wish you greater success in moving on from this. Triple hugs