The life I have lived the past 14 years

When I met him at 16(3 months shy of 17) I was a happy, outgoing teenage girl. I had my share of issues, anxiety mostly but depression in earlier years as well. My mom had found out the day after my 15th birthday that she had cancer which threw my world into a spin. I graduated a year early so that she could be there and see me graduate. I was independent, had a "good" head on my shoulders according to anyone who knew me. I had unfortunately had boy troubles as most girls did and was "done" with them when he come along. He was the absolute last guy in the world I would have ever approached or would have seen myself being interested in. He didn't fit the same physical build, personality or anything that I was used to but something about him drew me in. We would talk for hours on the phone and I spent every extra minute I had with him. I felt like he was absolutely perfect, so much so that I went to his uncles wedding with him and told his sister I was going to marry him, after only knowing him for 2 months....fast forward about 4 months from that and I found out I was pregnant. So here I was at 17 and I was going to be a mom. He was extremely excited and as time went on I was too. My mom was over the moon about being a grandma, his parents....not so much. I didn't realize how much my world would change after that. A year after my first was born we were supposed to get married but being young and naieve I had not been able to make it happen and was having doubts whether I even should. We were fighting constantly, he was angry I was always at my moms but all he ever did was played video games after work. I was constantly told he felt inadequate and that he was not good enough for me. Me going out with friends was non-existent unless I wanted a huge argument. When I did go out for coffee I would receive at least 20-30 texts in the span of 2 hours asking who I was with and when I was going to be home and where I was at. Then if I was even a few minutes past what I said I would be he was angry, and thus a fight would ensue. I chalked up his insecurities to the fact that his past relationships he had been cheated on and treated badly according to him. I many times felt like a prisoner in my own house, I would do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the running around, all the child related things as well as work full time as soon as my maternity leave was done and all he did was come home, ate food, left his things laying around and played video games and expected to be intimate. It never failed that any holidays we were invited to my moms he was "sick" so I would take our daughter and go and face the questions that come. Why does he not like us? Why is he not here? Why do you let him control you like that? Are you happy? Does he help with anything? And to which I always defended him no matter what. Then it seemed like things were getting better. We were not really fighting about anything, we had planned a different wedding date and it was fast approaching. Intimacy was still an issue, I had gone to the doc but everything was good on my end but I just was never in the mood. After working 8 hours, making supper, cleaning up and taking care of our daughter I was exhausted and did not want to be intimate. And then come the talks of him introducing another girl into the mix which I reluctantly went with because it would "spice" things up. Well the first was ok but then he was not really satisfied because he felt like he didn't perform well because he was nervous about it and so would I be interested in having another one now that we knew what they were like. Well no I didn't but of course I went with it to make him happy. Things were still the same, I did everything while he worked and come home to play video games and be intimate. I just stopped asking for his help and did it all myself and then talked about it to my friends who said this was not healthy. But what did they know, I was in love with him. So we got married, I got pregnant for a second time and decided university would be a fantastic idea. Full time nonetheless and I was going to be able to work part time too! Or rather had to because whatever money went into the account was quickly out on frivilous unnecessary things. I went for accounting because after all this is something that would allow me to work Mon-Fri 8-5 sort of thing so I could still go home and take care of the kids and continue doing everything else I needed to. Since having kids it was too much of a fight to work any shifts that did not align with his. He could not handle watching the kids and making meals and cleaning etc, all of the things that I did on a daily basis. And then his grandpa had a stroke and was in a long term care facility for the duration of my school year and passed away unfortunately a week before my year was over, so I spent a lot of time there and no time on school. So I failed some classes, then my mom was also sick again, her cancer had come back so it was trips to Calgary with her. But I was strong and stubborn and could handle everything. Then it was weekly fights about not having enough sex, being called names, being undermined, mistreated and generally feelings like a piece of sh!t. But I couldn't leave, I had 2 kids and not enough money to survive on my own. So I stayed and pretended I was happy. Between the first 3some come another 5 or 6 women, one being his 1st baby's mama. Then the neighbour down the street after our second girl was born because I had complications and after hearing for a month how unsatisfied he was and how horny he was I told him to f#ck her. This was originally supposed to be a group thing because 3somes werent good enough anymore. The group thing never happened and I will forever have it in my head the sound of him f#cking her in the next room. Fast forward to 2009 and my mom's cancer had come back yet again but this time with a vengance. And I was pregnant with number 3. Still working full time, still taking care of the girls, taking my mom on endless Dr appts, trying to be a good attentive wife and still in school. And his life still revolved around working and playing video games and helping as little as possible. At 34 weeks pregnant my mom went in to the hospital and 6 weeks later I gave birth and 6 weeks after that I was burying my mom. Then come dealing with the estate, being a mom to 3 kids, a wife and trying to hold it all together. Not once did he step up to come help out at my moms house, not once did he keep the kids just so I could get more done without them under foot, not once did he say "hey you need some time to yourself why don't you go do something and I'll keep everthing else under control". 6 months after my mom's passing were the fights telling me I needed to get over the fact of her being gone and I had to move on. When I would make decisions they weren't the right ones according to him, or I would be questioned on why I was so irrational in my thinking. I started seeing a counselor, went on medications and just kept pushing forward while I was slowly dying inside each day. But if you asked me I would say I was happy, after all he loved me and he told me this. He desired me sexually and I was just making things worse than they actually were. Then in late 2014 he come home from work at lunch time never to go back there. He was fired for stealing $26,000 from them over 2 years. $26,000 that according to him had went up his nose for those years. So my world was turned even more upside down. This meant us moving to a brand new city to start fresh because he couldn't find work where we were. He begged me to stay with him and I said I woud provided he went to addictions counseling and personal counseling to which he promised he would. Then come the move and I found a job right shortly after and adjusted to life in a place where the only people I knew were my husband and 3 kids. I started to make friends and then met someone who made me feel alive, he made me realize how unhappy I was in my marriage. For months I tried to leave my husband but it never happened, I always got the promises and heard what I needed to to give him another shot. Then it turned from a friendship, to an emotional and then physical affair. I wanted to be with this guy. BUT I couldn't find a way to get rid of my husband. At this point him and I were fighting several times a week, getting into screaming matches etc and it was horrible. He told me he was in counseling but after a few months I found out this was not true. So I confronted him and told him I couldn't be with him and still I allowed him to manipulate me into staying. Then the night come(3 days after I told him I couldn't stay) where he broke into my phone and discovered my affair. That night I was called every name under the sun, he threatened to take my kids and leave, he threatened to destroy my career and the other guys, his dad called and threatened the other guy and he literally was going to destroy my life. So I begged him to stay....his stipulations were that I quit my job which I loved and have no more contact with the other guy. And I did both, later was able to take my job back. Him and I went to couples counseling where I was made to feel like the worst person in the world, every session revolved around my affair and nothing more. I also went to personal counseling to figure things out. We seemed to be doing ok for a little while and then his attitudes and behaviors went back to the same so I said I was done.....we fought and he convinced me to stay with promises that he had changed. So I looked to the other guy again and we started talking daily....then my husband found out again and his dad again called and threatened him and my husband threatened all the same things as before. So I cut off contact for good that time. Then 4 months later after nothing had changed in my relationship I went back to my hometown for the weekend, got in another massive fight with him and said I was done. A 3 hour long conversation driving back home the next day and he had convinced me he was changing that he couldn't lose me. So that lasted a couple months before I kicked him out....for the summer.....thought I was doing better but then I ran into a snag and he found his way back. So back to marriage counseling where of course my affair was the cause of any and all of our issues and I did not deserve respect and blah blah blah. So we quit counseling and I have just existed since September of 2016. We fight, I get fed up and he knows I am going to end it so he changes....for a couple days or weeks or even a month. And then we are back to fighting and me staying. This past weekend though I finally told him that I was staying because the fight that would happen during a divorce was something I wasn't prepared for. But that I was basically done and one more fight could send me over the edge. He has threatened to leave multiple times as well but then throws in how much he loves me and how if I would just change this or that or not be angry toward him immediately that we could be happy. But then he is wonderful and tells me how happy he is and I feel guilty that I am not happy and don't feel I will ever be happy with him again. I think I am pretty much ready for the big D. My kids don't deserve this