the LIE untold?
I need to tell my wife.......
You see, I'm finally accepting the real me. I have been on a quest to find myself for a long time! Since High School really, in that weird stage of self discovery. Noticing changes in everyone arround me, and myself. Attractions start to form. Society telling me as a "male of the species" that I'm supposed to like girls, but I don't need them for that. I like girls. Society also telling me because I'm a "male of the species", I'm not supposed to like boys, but......why not. I like boys, too.
I remember having a few "crushes" for the "hot girls" in class. I also remember thinking some of the boys were "pretty hot", too. "But those thoughts are SINS" I hate church. Being raised "Catholic" force-fed hell and damnation unless you repent constantly, can have a damaging effect on a young psyche, IMO. I'm ranting, sorry.
But, the boys... they have thier own charms, strong or getting there, raw masculinity, the "swagger". "These are things that should not be." Why not? If I can find the beauty there, why can't I celebrate in it?
Girls in HS (I found out later, in college) put me in the "He'd make a good husband, not a guy I want to play with and hurt in HS, zone." Frustrating!
I did have 1 serious girlfriend in HS, atleast one that would have sex with me. A few others that went to 2nd base.
I felt I needed to hide my feelings for the boys I was "crushing" on. There were only 2, but they were significant feelings. Because "I'm supposed to be straight." Or so Society tells me.
After college and another long term serious relationship with a Female. I realized I was in love with my best friend. He was, for lack of words, everything. Not perfect, by rights nobody is, but he was always there for me emotionally, occationally financially, and he always had my back. He was thin but fit, borderline model material, very desirable. He was also dating a girl. =(
We shared several apartments and rented a house (with some other friends), we lived together for 4 years, approx. During the last year, we shared a 2 bedroom apartment. We had alot of time together, me secretly yearning for something that couldn't be. But, I finally resigned to "just be friends", still had feelings.
I moved out of state and met a new love, my wife. We lived together for several years when he decided to move to where I did, he missed our friendship, as did I! He was here for about a year and a half, when the "stalker" of his GF shot and killed my friend, tried to kill his GF, then turned the gun on himself.
I took his death VERY hard!
It's been 11 years since that fateful morning. Another of my best friends (also knew the aforementioned friend) asked me last year "why I took his death so hard"? I didn't want to admit to myself feeling I had buried DEEP in my sub-basement of a consciousness. So, I lied and said "I'm not 100% sure".
11 years later, I am finally accepting the truth. I never got to tell him " I love You!"
The acceptance has been enlightening. I am Bisexual. But, It also brought more questions. =( I'm married, happily. Will my wife accept the fact that her husband likes "men" too? How do I even tell her? Who do I need to tell? How will my family react when they find out, my brother is gay, now the only other child is Bi?
I KNOW I need to tell my wife! Lies kill marriages. But when was the lie told? Living a lie before we got together is a LOT to accept. We have been together for 13+ years, married for 10+. We also have 2 kids.
Help.......please?
You see, I'm finally accepting the real me. I have been on a quest to find myself for a long time! Since High School really, in that weird stage of self discovery. Noticing changes in everyone arround me, and myself. Attractions start to form. Society telling me as a "male of the species" that I'm supposed to like girls, but I don't need them for that. I like girls. Society also telling me because I'm a "male of the species", I'm not supposed to like boys, but......why not. I like boys, too.
I remember having a few "crushes" for the "hot girls" in class. I also remember thinking some of the boys were "pretty hot", too. "But those thoughts are SINS" I hate church. Being raised "Catholic" force-fed hell and damnation unless you repent constantly, can have a damaging effect on a young psyche, IMO. I'm ranting, sorry.
But, the boys... they have thier own charms, strong or getting there, raw masculinity, the "swagger". "These are things that should not be." Why not? If I can find the beauty there, why can't I celebrate in it?
Girls in HS (I found out later, in college) put me in the "He'd make a good husband, not a guy I want to play with and hurt in HS, zone." Frustrating!
I did have 1 serious girlfriend in HS, atleast one that would have sex with me. A few others that went to 2nd base.
I felt I needed to hide my feelings for the boys I was "crushing" on. There were only 2, but they were significant feelings. Because "I'm supposed to be straight." Or so Society tells me.
After college and another long term serious relationship with a Female. I realized I was in love with my best friend. He was, for lack of words, everything. Not perfect, by rights nobody is, but he was always there for me emotionally, occationally financially, and he always had my back. He was thin but fit, borderline model material, very desirable. He was also dating a girl. =(
We shared several apartments and rented a house (with some other friends), we lived together for 4 years, approx. During the last year, we shared a 2 bedroom apartment. We had alot of time together, me secretly yearning for something that couldn't be. But, I finally resigned to "just be friends", still had feelings.
I moved out of state and met a new love, my wife. We lived together for several years when he decided to move to where I did, he missed our friendship, as did I! He was here for about a year and a half, when the "stalker" of his GF shot and killed my friend, tried to kill his GF, then turned the gun on himself.
I took his death VERY hard!
It's been 11 years since that fateful morning. Another of my best friends (also knew the aforementioned friend) asked me last year "why I took his death so hard"? I didn't want to admit to myself feeling I had buried DEEP in my sub-basement of a consciousness. So, I lied and said "I'm not 100% sure".
11 years later, I am finally accepting the truth. I never got to tell him " I love You!"
The acceptance has been enlightening. I am Bisexual. But, It also brought more questions. =( I'm married, happily. Will my wife accept the fact that her husband likes "men" too? How do I even tell her? Who do I need to tell? How will my family react when they find out, my brother is gay, now the only other child is Bi?
I KNOW I need to tell my wife! Lies kill marriages. But when was the lie told? Living a lie before we got together is a LOT to accept. We have been together for 13+ years, married for 10+. We also have 2 kids.
Help.......please?
Replies
Hi I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much. I know this must be very hard for you. I think you should tell your wife but don\'t tell your children until they are old enough to understand. Take your time coming out there is no rush. You will feel better when you do. I advise you to write your wife a letter. I could help you write it if you like.I have a stepson but no biological children. My stepson doesn\'t know that I am Bi. He is 16 I don\'t think he needs to know anything he doesn\'t live with us so I only see him when he comes to visit.It is a lot to explain to children. They should be the last ones to know. First you have to come out to yourself and it sounds like you have. Then you should come out to your wife. Then come out to your best friend.. Then come out to your family. You may want to write letters to your parents also. If you need some help coming out you should check out your local pflag meetings. They can help you to come out to the people in your life and they can help to explain things. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. You can write him a letter to say all the things you didn\'t get a chance to say it will help I have done that. I will keep you in my prayers. I know what you mean about hating church and society for not accepting gay and Bisexual people and telling them that they are going to hell. And that is not necessarily true. I have battled with my own faith and I just don\'t believe that God is like that. He knows all of our desires and He knows who we are. I was angry with God for a long time but I realized it was really people that I was angry with and their stupidity not God.I am not trying to freak you about but I have a question for you. Are you sure you are Bisexual and not gay? I ask that question because it is possible to be attracted to both sexes for a period of time before you discover that you are only attracted to one sex. It is a period of transition. I am asking myself these same questions right now . I think we have a lot in common it sounds like we feel the same way and that we have the same secret the only difference is that you are a man and I am a woman. I have been with my husband for 16 almost 17 years and we have been married for 12 years. I often wonder if I am truly Bisexual or if I am gay and in transition. It is not an easy thing to deal with. There are so many questions that run through your mind.
I wish I had more time to respond to this right now. Your story sounds like what I went through to a T up to your intense relationship that ended tragically. For that I am so sorry, there are no words... I was raised Catholic as well and Alluv I totally respect and will read your spiritual side of things more closely, but I have to say being raised Catholic is different than a lot of other Christian sects (I could be wrong) it is very intense ideology that is ingrained into every aspect of family life. This can make it incredibly damaging for people like us due to this duality. Again I could be wrong I can only speak from my experience.
Dragon. You have not lied to your wife. You are where I was at about four months. It sounds like you lied to friends, as did I. You just have not got to that emotional place where you can share it. It is a huge part of you and the trauma you have expirenced are important for you to tell her when you are ready. I can tell you that telling my husband brought us emotionally closer. I can also tell you that I would very much want to know about the pain you have experienced as well as know completely who you are. You are on a journey and you will get there....hugs
Sorry Alluv, I read through you response in a hurry because I was rushed and misread it. I am not sure what your wife is like and how she would take it. It was kind of funny how I told my husband. I got home from work one night and decided I just couldn\'t hold it in any longer(I work second shift). I woke him up and just blurted it out. I think I felt more comfortable because the lights were out and he couldn\'t see my face. He asked if I was seeing someone and I said no. He said that makes sense about you, because you are just a loving person and went back to sleep. The next morning he had more questions though :-)
Thank you both!
Alluv, in answer to your ???, No I am not gay, I am in love with my wife, not just love her. I can love either gender.
My faith was pretty much destroyed early in my teens, I would say I\'m spiritual not religious. Like Jupiter says \" It is very ingrained into all aspects of life.\" as the saying goes \'we did it religiously\'. I eventually had to walk away, for sanity reasons. Fortunately I moved away to go to college, that made it easy.
I will try and write the letters, I may not print them if I\'m not satisfied, but I will do it. I am a bit of a perfectionist [borderline OCD], if my words don\'t convey the right meaning, I will usually scrap the project, and restart it.
I tried to tell my wife last night as we were laying down to sleep, but my courage failed me, or I it. I will admitt that telling her \"scares the crap out of me!\" I dont want to hurt her or lose her. Keeping things \"bottled up\" has been an emotional default for many years, breaking the habit is hard to say the least. We have communication issues occationally because of it. But, eventually the \"cork comes loose\", and I usually explode in emotion. Not usually destructive but powerful.
Jupiter, I hope my wife will be as understanding as your husband, you are lucky!! I will also write a journal entry about other pains, there are a few significant ones. \"Dangerous it is walking out your front door, your never know where the road you take leads you\" - J.R.R. Tolkien LotR
FYI my heart was beating right out of my chest, it wasn\'t easy to do. I wish you luck. Is she open minded about these sorts of things?
Well.... she has had a 3-some once, before we were together, her and a couple M/F, and also has some Bi and Gay friends. So....Yes?
It\'s different when it \"hits home\" for a lot of people, though.