The Letter-(which is why I am upset and question it all)
Well the divorce petition came 2 days ago and I knew and opened my letter then started to cry all over again seeing it. He wouldn't look at me..I think he was upset. He came down a little later with this letter, and for other he called me Dum as a "pet name". Here is what it says: Dum, I just wanted to write this to let you know how I feel. I have to say that I am deeply and honestly sorry for all the shit I have caused, done, and said over the last 18 months. I am at a point in my life that I never dreamed I would be. A point I don't look forward to. I look at you everyday and worry for your well being and your future. I get very upset with myself for ruining yours and the boys lives. When you asked why I hate you so much, I don't hate you. I never have and never will. I can honestly say, (believe me or not) that in May of last year, I looked at all the shit I did and considered stepping away from Christiana and moving on to save our marriage. I looked at counseling and what we said in there and thought maybe we could move on. June came and that point was not an option. I look at our relationship of 20 years and can not say I reagret any of the things we did. Did we grow apart, or used to each other and take each other for granted? I think I took you for granted and your trust. It is that trust that I destroyed when I stepped outside the marriage.Today we talked about you going to the lawyer, this is the day I dreaded from the time all this started. I am truly worried for you. I love you and you are the mother of our children. It bothers me to see you physically ill and emotionally in turmoil. Believe me, there have been days (around Christmas) that I just sat and cried at where my life has gone. Like you said, I want to be friends and civil for the boys and for us. We have been thru a lot and have been friends for a long time.Again I am so sorry for all that I have done to you and our family. Me Well first on this I have to say we started counseling in Nov of 2008 and in May of 2009 he "decided" and "considered" to move on step away to try to save our marriage. WTF were the first 8 months for....him to fuck her. It was all a waste of every Saturday for 8 months and at $100 a pop. I cry upon reading this because somewhere I am sure he is sorry but I don't honestly know if I can believe it. In my book, even when I found out the second time I wanted him to say he would do whatever it took...not so. He doesn't get that now I have more worries esp with the children and who will watch them in a pinch..finding a place to live...boxing it all up..the memories. Now he gives it a thought...I tried to tell him...I tried. I gave it a second chance although with a lot of apprehension...a lot. I questioned the texts and my gut and he assured me that it was nothing...I so wanted to believe him and I did and I feel like a fool. So here is my letter as to why maybe I am making the wrong decision to keep the petition or call it off. But...I don't think anything can return to anything remotely normal...I will always wonder when the next time will be. Any thoughts on this letter would be greatly appreciated. Thanks --Lisa
Replies
I got a lot of the same sentiments from my ex-wife that your husband laid out there. I suspect he is sorry for the present state of things between he and you, but I doubt he is sorry for what he has done. If that were the case, he would have stopped. A person\'s actions always speak much louder than their words.
I have gotten the same thing from my husband... They say they are sorry but can\'t (and couldn\'t) stop their actions?! The bottom line is they have chosen someone else over us. Hugs.
Oh thank you..DAB and Chai..sorry for the typos...I wanted to plug it out and didn\'t proof read...yikes.
He needs to be \"sorry\" enough to no displace you and the boys... So I am guessing he isn\'t quite as sorry as he says he is.
Oh, Lisa, this sounds so familiar. \"I\'m sorry for fucking up your life.\" \"I\'m sorry for screwing up the family.\" The other day, Bean said to him, \"Aren\'t you glad you don\'t live here anymore?\" \"No.\" was the immediate response. But, here\'s the deal. He wasn\'t sorry for carrying on his affair through 5 months of counseling. He refused to break contact with the OW. I don\'t want to hear \"Sorry.\" It\'s too late for that. Do not spend another minute wondering if you did the right thing. You certainly did.
I know it is so hard, to let them go. I feel the same way. I haven\'t gotten as far as you yet. I haven\'t filed as of right now. When I try to make him talk to me I get the same answer you did. I am so sorry for screwing up your life. I said no your not, if you were truly sorry you would stop doing it. I can\'t offer any advice only hugs and support. because I am in the same sinking boat you are. They want to live another life, but keep us on the side waiting and were fool enough to do it, because we love them and want to honor our vows. I just pray that some day (sooner rather than later) they will be hurt by their \"others\" and realize what they have actually thrown away. I am sending you hugs.
I agree with DAB....look at his actions more than these words. It is so hard when they say one thing (sometimes the perfect thing) and do another...
Sorry? Really?? I don\'t think \"sorry for fucking someone else and ruining your life\" is appropriate....they don\'t really even deserve to say sorry for such enormous things. It makes me sick to read this. You deserve someone who would never hurt you like this in the first place.
I dont believe that \"Sorry\" is good enough for messing up SO many innocent lives, and your childerens. Dont think twice about your choices. You desreve so much more.. and for someone to love and respect you. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
well, sorry is better \"I\'m not sorry for any of it, go F yourself\"
and life goes on, Healing is the next step
MAYBE HE REALLY IS SORRY... PEOPLE DO MAKE MISTAKES.....WE ARE ALL HUMAN.... ( NOT SAYING WHAT HE DID WAS OK, ITS NOT)I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE( IF THEY WORK HARD ENOUGH) CAN RECOVER FROM SUCH ISSUES.JUST MY THOUGHTS HERE, THINK YOU NEED TIME TO HEAL BEFORE EVEN TALKING THINGS OUT WITH HIM..
I sense a degree of dismissiveness in his letter when he uses words like \"you\" and \"your\" as opposed to \"us\" or \"our\". He\'s trying to be apologetic on the surface but I heavily question it\'s underlying sincerity. Lisa do not second guess yourself, you\'ve made the right decision. His actions outweigh his words, most especially this \"apology\". You deserve better and I know you will find it. Be strong for we\'re behind you.
Yeah, it\'s such a complicated mess! I don\'t know what to say! I never got the \"letter\", but I got a lot of bs afterward. It wasn\'t until i started the \"no contact\" and kicked his butt out for about a month,.......and only then did he seem sorry! I don\'t recall, if you kicked your out.....but if not....why not try that!
I think that you are kind of done with this, but then again, I sense your deep pain, with the kids and all! The big issue for me is he did it a second time. I had enough problems dealing with a first, so I recognize this is so much more deception. What really hurts even more beyond the betrayal,is that they continue even while you are suffering....they see it....and it doesn\'t seem to phase them enough to really change. Saying I was considering dropping the OW isn\'t good enough!
Man girl, I will pray for your situation, cuz you deserve a little peace and serenity! I pray that your health returns, and that you can sleep and gain some clarity as to what to do,how to do it........
If you didn\'t still love him.....it would be so much easier. I can spend time rammng him and saying what a fuc*tard he is, but that doesn\'t really help you, or change him. I would pray that the Lord really touches his heart, and that if he is sincere, that his actions would prove that he\'s done with his nonsense.
I know it hurts so dang bad to lose one of your best friends! I think he still needs to continue counseling, and I really would continue the both of you to complete your unfinished business. I know the thought of this, just makes your stomach turn! Please, please take care of yourself! I love ya girl, and support your decisions no matter what! I really thinkhe needs to get thehellout of there at least for a couple weeks, so you can attempt to sleep, and recover! Sending you support, big hugs, and special prayers! Keep your headup high, and remember that you did nothing wrong! You have many supporters here, and we\'ll try our best to lift you up! I would take a few days off from all this \"business\". Just try to heal a little for a couple days. YOu owe it yto yourself!
L, Sometimes I don\'t know what to tell you because I haven\'t been in the crazy situation that you\'ve been in for MONTHS and MONTHS. Blondegal\'s right give yourself time to heal and just hang in there. We all care for you and you and the kids are in our prayers!
Wow L! IMHO I completely agree with Blondegal and Good fight above! Is there any way in the world that he could move out for a month or so...... giving you time to rest, heal, recover, etc?? Does he have relatives or a friend he can stay with?? If not......how about a month stay at a Residence Inn?? Praying for you and the boys every day and sending you giant hugs of support from OKC! Cindi
I think he is being honest with how he feels as he writes this. I just don\'t get how people can act like they have no control over their actions or that what they are doing is somehow happening to them and not by them. With You L.