The Letter
I am writing this letter just so you know.
I have shared a little with a few people (Mostly my therapist). But as time goes on and I feel like I am not getting better it is time to let you know what is going on. Sharing this letter is difficult for me and it may be difficult for you to read.
With this letter I seek to clarify my current position in life and hope you will understand I am just lame or lazy. I am struggling and hurting. Each day is a challenge to get up, stay alive and try to function. It has been a real blow to my ego and I find it embarrassing that I am at such a low point and cannot even pay my own way. Especially since I was once a corporate officer that directed a division at work and made a six figure salary.
Here is the issue I was diagnosed with PTSD –post traumatic stress syndrome. The typical place we hear about PTSD is from war veterans that have difficulties with life after war.
My diagnosis of PTSD comes from the first 9 years of my life. The abuse was so intense that my mind blocked it out. It was my own kind of war.
I am unable to hold myself together or hold in my pain. Over the last five years my life has spiraled out of control to the point I am unable to function including holding a job or fending for myself.
Without your help I would either be dead or at the least living in a gutter. Thank you for all of your help.
I cannot hold it in any longer and I wanted you to know why I am having difficulties.
Weird how the brain works only five years ago I had no memory of the abuse. Those memories started showing up in 2009 and they led to my 2010 trip to the Grand Canyon to make sure I was not crazy. I needed to see my sister and confirm the images showing up in my head. She did confirm them without me even asking. She probably felt how much I was hurting and offered the answer to an unasked question.
The following experts are from some websites that I have read and give a glimpse into the abuse and what it does to a person’s mind and mental state. This part is somewhat graphic.
"Recovered" or "repressed" memories are terms that refers to the recall of traumatic events, typically but not exclusively, of sexual abuse in childhood, by adults who have exhibited little or no previous awareness of such experiences. This is also called "traumatic amnesia".
“The negative impact of child abuse on adult mental health has been documented for over 150 years, and, over the last thirty years, in particular, numerous research studies have documented the link between child abuse and mental illness in later life.”
“Emotional abuse refers to the psychological and social aspects of child abuse, and it is one of the main causes of harm to abused children.”
“Organized sexual abuse refers to the range of circumstances in which multiple children are subject to sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators. In these circumstances, children are subject to a range of serious harms that can include child prostitution, the manufacture of child pornography, and bizarre and sadistic sexual practices, including ritualistic abuse and torture.”
“Relationship to perpetrator: Being abused by a known and trusted person undermines the child's sense of safety and increases the likelihood of PTSD.”
“A study published in Cerebrum in late 2000 demonstrated that childhood abuse and neglect results in permanent physical changes to the developing human brain. These changes in brain structure appear to be significant enough to cause psychological and emotional problems in adulthood.”
Basically I am brain damaged and a mental case right now. My therapist suggested I go into the hospital and get treatment. I declined that.
I am not sure where to go from here. I know that I am unable to perform at the level I used to in a job. One of the common problems with PTSD is focus. I am unable to keep my mind focused on anything for very long. So finding work that pays as well as I was used to is out of the question right now.
I put this in a letter because I am unable to talk about and I go into a panic attack just thinking about it.
Now that I have had a few years to process and digest the issue some of the symptoms have slowed down. I have not had a flashback (a flashback is when your mind takes you back to an event and you relive it just as if it were happening again– IT SUCKS) in a few months. They are debilitating.
I love you and thank you for ALL the help you have given me. I know it has been a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am sorry for my distance and inability to connect much on any real emotional level with you. A real problem with those with PTSD I have found in my research.
I do so love you and wish I had the mental ability to be a more involved and connected father.
-Dad
P.S. Wikipedia has more information if you are interested. Just search PTSD or better is C-PTSD in Wikipedia
I have shared a little with a few people (Mostly my therapist). But as time goes on and I feel like I am not getting better it is time to let you know what is going on. Sharing this letter is difficult for me and it may be difficult for you to read.
With this letter I seek to clarify my current position in life and hope you will understand I am just lame or lazy. I am struggling and hurting. Each day is a challenge to get up, stay alive and try to function. It has been a real blow to my ego and I find it embarrassing that I am at such a low point and cannot even pay my own way. Especially since I was once a corporate officer that directed a division at work and made a six figure salary.
Here is the issue I was diagnosed with PTSD –post traumatic stress syndrome. The typical place we hear about PTSD is from war veterans that have difficulties with life after war.
My diagnosis of PTSD comes from the first 9 years of my life. The abuse was so intense that my mind blocked it out. It was my own kind of war.
I am unable to hold myself together or hold in my pain. Over the last five years my life has spiraled out of control to the point I am unable to function including holding a job or fending for myself.
Without your help I would either be dead or at the least living in a gutter. Thank you for all of your help.
I cannot hold it in any longer and I wanted you to know why I am having difficulties.
Weird how the brain works only five years ago I had no memory of the abuse. Those memories started showing up in 2009 and they led to my 2010 trip to the Grand Canyon to make sure I was not crazy. I needed to see my sister and confirm the images showing up in my head. She did confirm them without me even asking. She probably felt how much I was hurting and offered the answer to an unasked question.
The following experts are from some websites that I have read and give a glimpse into the abuse and what it does to a person’s mind and mental state. This part is somewhat graphic.
"Recovered" or "repressed" memories are terms that refers to the recall of traumatic events, typically but not exclusively, of sexual abuse in childhood, by adults who have exhibited little or no previous awareness of such experiences. This is also called "traumatic amnesia".
“The negative impact of child abuse on adult mental health has been documented for over 150 years, and, over the last thirty years, in particular, numerous research studies have documented the link between child abuse and mental illness in later life.”
“Emotional abuse refers to the psychological and social aspects of child abuse, and it is one of the main causes of harm to abused children.”
“Organized sexual abuse refers to the range of circumstances in which multiple children are subject to sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators. In these circumstances, children are subject to a range of serious harms that can include child prostitution, the manufacture of child pornography, and bizarre and sadistic sexual practices, including ritualistic abuse and torture.”
“Relationship to perpetrator: Being abused by a known and trusted person undermines the child's sense of safety and increases the likelihood of PTSD.”
“A study published in Cerebrum in late 2000 demonstrated that childhood abuse and neglect results in permanent physical changes to the developing human brain. These changes in brain structure appear to be significant enough to cause psychological and emotional problems in adulthood.”
Basically I am brain damaged and a mental case right now. My therapist suggested I go into the hospital and get treatment. I declined that.
I am not sure where to go from here. I know that I am unable to perform at the level I used to in a job. One of the common problems with PTSD is focus. I am unable to keep my mind focused on anything for very long. So finding work that pays as well as I was used to is out of the question right now.
I put this in a letter because I am unable to talk about and I go into a panic attack just thinking about it.
Now that I have had a few years to process and digest the issue some of the symptoms have slowed down. I have not had a flashback (a flashback is when your mind takes you back to an event and you relive it just as if it were happening again– IT SUCKS) in a few months. They are debilitating.
I love you and thank you for ALL the help you have given me. I know it has been a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am sorry for my distance and inability to connect much on any real emotional level with you. A real problem with those with PTSD I have found in my research.
I do so love you and wish I had the mental ability to be a more involved and connected father.
-Dad
P.S. Wikipedia has more information if you are interested. Just search PTSD or better is C-PTSD in Wikipedia
Replies
Diid you give them this letter yet?