the letter
I want to thank all of you for your support and responses to my last journal entry. Some have mentioned maybe dementia or mental illness? My mother is not experiencing dementia. We are assured by her doctors that she has all her faculties. She is however quite mentally ill. I am in the mental health field and I believe she is personality disordered. My guess, (since she refuses to be treated by a professional) is that she has borderline, narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders.
She was never treated because on the 3 occasions in her life that she went o counseling as soon as she was called on her behavior by a therapist she "quits" them as she says. This is what she does in her life. Through 2 marriages, she has not maintained a friendship ever and never got along with her siblings. With my brother & I there was abuse & so at 1 point she was court ordered to go to family therapy. The 2nd visit when the therapist told her she cannot treat children like that she never went back. Back in the day, in the fifties, child protective services were almost non-existent so she was able to discontinue services without repercussions. Then during her 2 visit stint with marraige counseling, she quit that too. Recently her doctor and visiting nurse thought she should have bereavement counseling. They arranged for a counselor to go to her home. The 1st session she told the counselor "don't tell me about stages, I've accepted Eddie's death. People are alive, then they die." The 2nd session my mother fired the therapist because she said to my mother, "You are doing amazing - you get up everyday, even in your grief and get dressed." My mother called me in a rage after the therapist left & said, "How dare she talk about my clothes?" I tried to explain what the therapist meant - that she is taking care of herself, structuring her day, etc & my mother said, "Of course I get dressed. I'm very clean and have nice clothes." I gave up. My mother ordered me to call & cancel the therapy which I did. This part is kinda funny cuz when I called the therapist to cancel her she said, "Your mother is a piece of work."
So the letter from my mother came. 4 pages of how I am a bad person and that she has never been anything but good to me, Eddie and his children and none of us appreciate anything. Then the phone calls started last night. Leaving messages,"don't even come Christmas, I don't want the 100.00!" Then , "you need to come & bring me presents, I am your mother!". Ken unplugged the phone after several messages. He won't even be in the same room with her anymore.
So after Christmas I will write back to her & simply say I don't have the emotional reserves now to deal with your chaos and therefore I will no longer be in your life. I feel guilty about it since I am a Christian and believe very strongly in respecting one's parents & the elderly, but right now its my sanity & survival. I probably will process some of this with my minister as this action is hard for me to do & still feel like a decent Christian. As a counselor myself I would tell a client going through this that this woman is toxic and to detach from her. My brother rarely sees her as she can be cruel to him as well, but focuses more on me. I need to treat myself as well as I do my clients and I would advise them not to allow themselves to be victimized by her.
Thanks again to all of for being here for me. It means a lot.
I wish you all a peaceful day. Love you all.
She was never treated because on the 3 occasions in her life that she went o counseling as soon as she was called on her behavior by a therapist she "quits" them as she says. This is what she does in her life. Through 2 marriages, she has not maintained a friendship ever and never got along with her siblings. With my brother & I there was abuse & so at 1 point she was court ordered to go to family therapy. The 2nd visit when the therapist told her she cannot treat children like that she never went back. Back in the day, in the fifties, child protective services were almost non-existent so she was able to discontinue services without repercussions. Then during her 2 visit stint with marraige counseling, she quit that too. Recently her doctor and visiting nurse thought she should have bereavement counseling. They arranged for a counselor to go to her home. The 1st session she told the counselor "don't tell me about stages, I've accepted Eddie's death. People are alive, then they die." The 2nd session my mother fired the therapist because she said to my mother, "You are doing amazing - you get up everyday, even in your grief and get dressed." My mother called me in a rage after the therapist left & said, "How dare she talk about my clothes?" I tried to explain what the therapist meant - that she is taking care of herself, structuring her day, etc & my mother said, "Of course I get dressed. I'm very clean and have nice clothes." I gave up. My mother ordered me to call & cancel the therapy which I did. This part is kinda funny cuz when I called the therapist to cancel her she said, "Your mother is a piece of work."
So the letter from my mother came. 4 pages of how I am a bad person and that she has never been anything but good to me, Eddie and his children and none of us appreciate anything. Then the phone calls started last night. Leaving messages,"don't even come Christmas, I don't want the 100.00!" Then , "you need to come & bring me presents, I am your mother!". Ken unplugged the phone after several messages. He won't even be in the same room with her anymore.
So after Christmas I will write back to her & simply say I don't have the emotional reserves now to deal with your chaos and therefore I will no longer be in your life. I feel guilty about it since I am a Christian and believe very strongly in respecting one's parents & the elderly, but right now its my sanity & survival. I probably will process some of this with my minister as this action is hard for me to do & still feel like a decent Christian. As a counselor myself I would tell a client going through this that this woman is toxic and to detach from her. My brother rarely sees her as she can be cruel to him as well, but focuses more on me. I need to treat myself as well as I do my clients and I would advise them not to allow themselves to be victimized by her.
Thanks again to all of for being here for me. It means a lot.
I wish you all a peaceful day. Love you all.
Replies
That might be the best Christmas gift that you can give yourself.........time and distance away from your mother.
If this was a stranger treating you so badly, I don\'t think that you would hesitate for a moment to eliminate them from your life. I wish you peace and happiness.
Linda, it is for your sanity and everyone elses that you do this. I can understand it perfectly. I was abused growing up by my father and my stepmother, unfortunately, dad died before anything could get cleaned up between us. (if that was possible) But I distanced myself from mom for years. In the end, I was there for her. She passed away knowing I loved her and forgave her of all her craziness. I was messed up for years because of those two. I was determined not to allow that abuse into my adult life. And I didn\'t! It is hard to do. But you have a good head about you and I think your doing the right thing. Hugs, Danette
Linda...I agree that it is so important that you take care of yourself. It sounds like your mom truly is \"a piece of work\"...and you know her better than anyone...so guarding your sanity is so important. Do what you need to do. It sounds like no matter what you did...it would not be \"right\" in her mind. So...take care of you sweet friend...love and many hugs...Karen
My heart is with you. I have a friend whose mother sounds like yours. Her counselor told her that it is sometimes necessary to \'divorce\' your parents.
Right now I think it is time to care for yourself. I am in the health care industry and I have found that we all are great at caring for others but not ourselves. Now it is time to nurture yourself.
Have a blessed Christmas - with people you love.
Hugs, Marlene
I am so sorry you must go through this too... but you are right, we need to treat ourselves as we would advise our clients to treat themselves ! Amazing how we can \"see in others\" what we need to see in our own lives. (I know I am guilty of this).
Take care of yourself. MaryLou
OMG I could have written this same entry. I read your previous entry and our mothers are so similar. My mother has been to the doctor several times and told she does not have alzheimer\'s or dementia. However, her behavior is so erratic and a typical that I know something has to be wrong or she is just mean. She too wrote me a nasty note a month or so in regards to a comment I made and pasted it to my front door for all the world to see and then wonders why I don\'t invite her over for the holidays. She thinks I should sweep things under the rug and dismiss her behavior. That is not how mothers act to their children. Now she only calls my husband on his cell phone and of course it\'s when she needs something, not to see how everyone is and is there anything she can do to help us. Anyway, enough rambling about my mother. I have empathy for you and I pray you will remember that you need to keep your focus on you and your physical health and your sanity. I\'m sure you\'ve heard from others \"you\'ll miss her when she\'s gone\" . When I hear that, then the guilt starts and then I feel badly but it\'s difficult when there\'s so much more peace when she is away. Sending you love and support from one friend with a crazy mother to another fried with a crazy mother. Love you. Robin
I remember after my moms boyfriend passed away. My older sister brought our mom to live with her(why I do not know, the only thing I can think of was because she was our mom) Well the whole time she bitched. she allowed her dogs to bark to snap at people and just layed around on the couch every day. Well my older sisiter and brother fixed up a camper and did a really nice job on it and had my mom move into that. but again it wasn\'t good enough and she complained about this and that and one day she was going off on my sister and my sister walked away and went to her room and my mom followed and continued to say some really mean stuff. so I walked up to my mom and I exploded. I told her she was a ungratefull B\'\' and that she was shelfish and that she only thought of her self and her dam dogs. I told her that she treated her dogs and protected dogs better then she ever thought about protecting or treating us kids. She goes so I am going to have to always pay for what happen to you. I do not remember what was said after that but I do know that was the very first time and the last time that I ever yelled or went off on my mom. Beleive it or not it shocked the heck out of my sister and brother inlaw. So I under stand and what is healthier for you is to walk then do so. Be good to yourself. Tammie
In our religion, (Judaism) we have an obligation to help our parents out economically, and nothing else. If the relationship is painful, as yours\' is, detaching is the only way to have a good life. She is not going to change, that\'s for sure. It\'s harder to lose them when the love has died. Thank G-d you\'re healthy enough to choose your life instead of sacrifysing it. Have a healthy and happy new year. love, abby Martydom is never pretty!!
Your last (long) paragraph says all the right things and you know it! And then there\'s that \"easier said than done\" thing...
Thinking of you with love, prayers, and hugs. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and all your loved ones.
Sharon
I can tell you know all the right things that will help you, but are being held back by your moral beliefs. I think distancing yourself is a good idea at this time. You might feel better if you don\'t make it a \"final\" sentence. \"I am out of your life forever\", etc. Maybe something like, \"I\'m experiencing my own problems and don\'t have the reserves to deal with anyone elses, so you won\'t be hearing from me until I can deal again, and I won\'t be taking any calls, etc., from you.\" That way you leave a door open for even ten years from now if you feel you need to see her. Those are just thoughts, to be taken however your want to.....I certainly can understand your situation, and yes, I think your diagnosis is right on from what you have told us. As long as you know she is safe physically and has what she needs, I think you must take care of yourself. I hope your decisions are the ones that will be healing for you, and I wish you peace this Christmas and in the new year.
Beckeroo
Dearest Linda, I am so sorry you are having to go through this with your Mom especially here at Christmas.As hard as it is, you are making the right decision, you have to do what is best for you and your family.I know for myself , I feel like I have to fix everything for everyone, if it is in my power to make someone feel better, wether it be emotionally or physically, I have the need to do so at all costs-this is not always healthy or wise. This will not be an easy transition you will need support as you make these changes, please allow us to be your strength just as you are for us each and every day-we all love you and are here for you, I wish you and your family a Blessed Christmas, Love, Charlene
I hope that with the writing and sending of the letter that you will feel the freedom that you need. I was told long ago that I couldn\'t change anyone only myself. It\'s time to find a new sandbox without your mother in it. Envision cutting the silvery, blue cords one by one that connect you to her and send her healing and love with each cut. I know that may sound unbearable to do yet I\'ve done it with many and it is unbelievable what it did for me. I felt as if I was taking my power back and that this person could no longer be a \"vampire\" in my life. Every time she engages in this kind of behavior it is because she is so low and she tries to suck your life force energy right out of you. Sending you so much loving strength and courage to do this for you as your mother is very sick and if she is unwilling to help herself no one can do it for her. I\'m so sorry, Linda, as I can only imagine the pain and hurt that this has caused in your life. With love, Joanie
Moms!!!! giant (((hugs)))) from me to you! Nora