The lasting effects of infertility...
I can tell you right now: Pregnancy does NOT cure the pain of infertility. I think it's one of those things where once infertile, always infertile. Even at 27 weeks, I can't shake the mindset, not even in my dreams...
The other night I dreamt that in order for me to have a child, my husband had to have sex with another woman & impregnate her. As ridiculous as it sounds, the dream was vivid and SO painful. I can still feel an ache in my chest as I recall its details. Of course, the "fertile woman" was about 15 years my junior, lovely and fresh and healthy looking and full of a youthful vitality (kinda like a 20-something Michelle Williams), and was EXACTLY my husband's type: cute & petite & pixie-ish... None of the things I am as a 5'9" blonde Amazon woman! They went into a room in a relatively clinical setting (because, naturally, all my child-making activities must somehow be tied to the scientific field. There's never any spontaneity or "magic" or miracles about it. Just logic, statistics, and research studies. Even though my husband didn't seem to relish in this chance for a "hall pass" in my dream, and was just doing his duty and obligation in order to bear a child, I felt like this act had ruined our chances for a happy future together. And I felt like such an outsider. I suppose, in a sense, I always will feel like I'm watching my pregnancy from the outside. Like there's a pane of glass between me and where the action happens.
Interestingly enough, in most of my dreams in the past 6 months, regardless of their content or subject, I HAVE been pregnant. It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing or how the dream progresses, but I'm aware of the fact that I'm growing a child. So, I'll take that as a minor victory.
But the bottom line is: infertility hurts SO badly. It impacts us to the core of our being. We live it. We dream about it. We ARE our diagnosis in many ways. While I still hope every day to deliver a healthy baby girl in another 13 weeks, I still know that once I hold her in my arms, I will still be an infertile woman. It's just a part of who I am and always will be.
The other night I dreamt that in order for me to have a child, my husband had to have sex with another woman & impregnate her. As ridiculous as it sounds, the dream was vivid and SO painful. I can still feel an ache in my chest as I recall its details. Of course, the "fertile woman" was about 15 years my junior, lovely and fresh and healthy looking and full of a youthful vitality (kinda like a 20-something Michelle Williams), and was EXACTLY my husband's type: cute & petite & pixie-ish... None of the things I am as a 5'9" blonde Amazon woman! They went into a room in a relatively clinical setting (because, naturally, all my child-making activities must somehow be tied to the scientific field. There's never any spontaneity or "magic" or miracles about it. Just logic, statistics, and research studies. Even though my husband didn't seem to relish in this chance for a "hall pass" in my dream, and was just doing his duty and obligation in order to bear a child, I felt like this act had ruined our chances for a happy future together. And I felt like such an outsider. I suppose, in a sense, I always will feel like I'm watching my pregnancy from the outside. Like there's a pane of glass between me and where the action happens.
Interestingly enough, in most of my dreams in the past 6 months, regardless of their content or subject, I HAVE been pregnant. It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing or how the dream progresses, but I'm aware of the fact that I'm growing a child. So, I'll take that as a minor victory.
But the bottom line is: infertility hurts SO badly. It impacts us to the core of our being. We live it. We dream about it. We ARE our diagnosis in many ways. While I still hope every day to deliver a healthy baby girl in another 13 weeks, I still know that once I hold her in my arms, I will still be an infertile woman. It's just a part of who I am and always will be.
Replies
You are so right .. pregnancy and even motherhood does not cure the pain of infertility but try not to think of this as a bad thing. Infertility makes us appreciate our pregnancies and our babies more and will make us better mothers and will help us have more empathy for people suffering with illness and when you have your baby you will be able to call yourself a infertility survivor and that is something to be proud of! XO
I completely second Mendolove! You are very much a survivor my friend. *HUG!! And I can also attest to crazy,odd, and very vivid preggo dreams too! Don\'t get sucked into how real those dreams may seem because you can take comfort in the fact it\'s NOT reality! With our first IVF miracle, I remember having nightmares that my motherinlaw was trying to steal my unborn child! (can you tell I have MIL issues HAHA!!)