the last weeks

Next Sunday Feb 5th would have been my Mum's 69th birthday. Next year her 70th, and I wanted to have a huge celebration for her, do a speech that would have done her justice and made her proud, and take her to Africa to visit the elephants she fostered at the Sheldrake Foundation.....but just 3 weeks after her 68th birthday she was in hospital, and 4 weeks later she died..
Now as I approach the 1 year anniversary I find myself being drawn back to those weeks, remembering the details of the days, and reliving them like they are ahead of me all over again over the next few weeks....It's all so close now - all the 'lasts' in those weeks,  the last time we went shopping, the last time she was at my house, the last time she was at her house when the ambulance came, the last time we told each other we loved each other, the last time I held her hand, stroked her face, touched her hair....watching her take her last breath.....and remembering that after watching her take every 'last' breath for 6 hours....i never, ever, really believed she would stop breathing....never believed she would leave me....
I'm scared about reliving the next 7 weeks, I want to leave all the trauma, the pain and terror and anguish of her last 4 weeks behind me....I don't want it to all come back to me in detail, but I can't stop it....I know my Mum would never want me to remember her like that, I wish I could erase it from my mind, and start remembering the 33 years of beautiful memories that seem to have been lost for now...