the journey

I dont typically write journals here, but what the heck.....
A year ago my life changed and today i am not the same person I used to be.  You see, me and my bf broke up over 30 mile distance and the hard part of living together and distance from our children. Long story... But it broke me into pieces. Something ive never ever felt in my life.  To me, he was my soulmate. We met at the right time, the comfort level from the beginning was amazing, our friendship grew to romance and that was it. We were madly in love.
Unfortunately, both being stubborn did not fight for our relationship and he chose to move on in life without looking back.  He recently started dating again and I have not.
Since our breakup Ive been on a soul finding mission. I just dont understand how we let this happen and where we ended up today. I dont know if it was things I did or what, but for the first time in my adult life I sit here alone and scared to death that I will be this way forever.
I am having no luck in real life or online in dating.  Either the men are fake, rude, or looking for a booty call.  No one yet that Im remotely interested in and it scares the daylights out of me.  He was suppose to be the one.  No more men.  :(  I guess he didnt have the same problem i did. He seems to be happy where he is.  I am happy for him. He's the sweetest man, great dad, Ive ever met.
Problem is me! Ive dealt with low self esteem my whole life. Even being married for 15 years, my husband never made me feel good about myself.  My exbf was the only man that actually started making me believe in myself.  Once we broke up it all came crashing down.
Have you ever just had this feeling that there is a message that you're suppose to get. A lesson to be learned?  Thats how I feel, but for the life of me I cant figure it out.  Im doing everything in my power to try but its not coming to me.  Im doing meditation, on medications, reading on self help books, etc.  Its still not coming to me.  I do realize that for some reason Im not meant to date right now.  Every single time the opportunity arises, it seems to not happen.
this really is a journal just to ramble about my feelings.  I just get so tired of being sad and alone that it gets to me.  Dont get me wrong, I have family, children, friends, and therapist to talk to, and I really have no reason to be afraid to be alone.  Knock on wood, but I make good money, my health and my childrens health are good, i have a nice car to get me to work, I have a home that I own, but yet the fear of something happening and taking any of that away from me terrifies me to the point that if i get wrapped up in the thoughts too much i have anxiety over it.
Im a 43 year old woman that isnt that bad looking, nice, good job, great family values, live in a big city, etc. It cant be that hard to find my true love.  I just dont have the patience to deal with this. I dont want to attend everything solo while all my exes have a partner to do things with. It hurts. It just makes me think that the low self worth i have is true. Im not one that someone will fight for. Someone that is loved unconditionally except by my children.
I know pity party.  Just my thoughts. Thanks for letting me vent.