The Hurt, The Pain, The Blame....
Well, as I sit here, the minutes on the clock keep ticking away, things over here are in "count down mode"! My Beloved ex-fiance has been busy today finishing up with her last minute packing. In now a little shy of 5 hours from now, my ex-fiance will bend down one last time to touch and say goodbye to our cat's, then she'll grab her bags and will be walking out our door for the last and final time!
I think it's safe to say that today I've been an emotional wreck! So many phone calls she's made to her loved ones who can't wait for her to return, the packing of some last minute shipping boxes, the last minute packing of her travel bags, her need to keep reminding me of how little time she's got left here, my attempts to be as sympathetic and understanding to her needs, all the while I feel like I'm crawling out of skin, it's a hard balance.
I don't think she's aware, but with everything she puts in her travel bags, everything that she may put in a shipping box, the reminders about the time, everything that is happening makes my heart sink more and more, so we're down to just mire hours now! To be honest it was a little easier a short time ago when I knew we had day's, but now that we've just got hours, talk about things becoming doubly hard to deal with.
If there's anything so far, at this very moment of the day, is the fact that I tried my best to offer her one last good will token and made her a pizza and Pepsi lunch! Even with as stressful as things are for the both of us, I'd like to think my good will offering was appreciated. I enjoyed what was now our last meal together, just typing that out put a frickiing hard lump in my throat.
All day today my mind has been ravaged by the pain that comes to one who knows they did wrong, the pain one feels that they pretty much know that everything that is happening around them is their fault, I've had the scorching fires of blaming myself for all of this burning my mind and my heart.
Shit, I so very much wish the concept or the negative energy of lying or the sin of lying was never born or more importantly......."never existed"!
Perhaps things will mellow a bit with time, but right now I can't see past the trees in the forest!
I think it's safe to say that today I've been an emotional wreck! So many phone calls she's made to her loved ones who can't wait for her to return, the packing of some last minute shipping boxes, the last minute packing of her travel bags, her need to keep reminding me of how little time she's got left here, my attempts to be as sympathetic and understanding to her needs, all the while I feel like I'm crawling out of skin, it's a hard balance.
I don't think she's aware, but with everything she puts in her travel bags, everything that she may put in a shipping box, the reminders about the time, everything that is happening makes my heart sink more and more, so we're down to just mire hours now! To be honest it was a little easier a short time ago when I knew we had day's, but now that we've just got hours, talk about things becoming doubly hard to deal with.
If there's anything so far, at this very moment of the day, is the fact that I tried my best to offer her one last good will token and made her a pizza and Pepsi lunch! Even with as stressful as things are for the both of us, I'd like to think my good will offering was appreciated. I enjoyed what was now our last meal together, just typing that out put a frickiing hard lump in my throat.
All day today my mind has been ravaged by the pain that comes to one who knows they did wrong, the pain one feels that they pretty much know that everything that is happening around them is their fault, I've had the scorching fires of blaming myself for all of this burning my mind and my heart.
Shit, I so very much wish the concept or the negative energy of lying or the sin of lying was never born or more importantly......."never existed"!
Perhaps things will mellow a bit with time, but right now I can't see past the trees in the forest!
Replies
Stay strong, brother. Never forget why this is happening. In cases like this, we are the cause of grief and heartache.
Use this as further motivation to change. Focus on yourself and become a better man. Time will heal her wounds. Use this team to heal yours as well.
We are all here for you to provide support and to lend a thoughtful ear.