The Human Bond
A friend of me and Yan has wanted to see me for sometime and, last weekend, he came from Orlando to the Chinese City Hanzhou for a conference. I flew to meet him. We have known each other for a long time. He is a guy with a warm heart and compassion. I took him to tour the West Lake, and we saw the show Impression West Lake. Hanzhou is one of Yan's favorite Chinese cities. My friend stayed in the hotel at Zhejiang University which was where Yan and I stayed a few years ago. There were many streets and shops Yan and I went so the trip brought memories, sadness, tears, and meanwhile, some comfort. I went in the show without knowing what it was about, and realized it was a famous Chinese love story right away once it started. I sobbed throughout the show in dark. But I think they changed the ending a little--the couple who were separated got together at the end, so it did bring some comfort.
My friend lost his wife at age 29. They had a 2 year old at the time. Life was tough for him as a single father with a full time job, and not much of family support at the time. His wife passed suddenly and he worked in another city and had to commute. After his wife's passing, he shut himself down from any activities, just tried to take care of their daughter. He kept telling me that Yan lives in me just like his wife still lives in him.
There is really nothing he said that I did not know before---his wife, daughter, his grief, his hard life after her death. But this time, they just sound so sad, heartbreaking, touching and real. And I feel even closer to him. The difference? -- I am experiencing exactly what he had years ago. I have suffered, and now know the deep pain many have endured. I thanked him for retelling his story and our genuine brotherhood bonded up by common grief. Now I feel even more that I truly belong to the human family. Indeed, everyone will someday lose everything they have ever loved or cared for. We really don't own anything and there is nothing really that belongs to us besides our love. Yet, each of us has a unique story. "Grief is the human condition; the tie that binds us all together".
My friend lost his wife at age 29. They had a 2 year old at the time. Life was tough for him as a single father with a full time job, and not much of family support at the time. His wife passed suddenly and he worked in another city and had to commute. After his wife's passing, he shut himself down from any activities, just tried to take care of their daughter. He kept telling me that Yan lives in me just like his wife still lives in him.
There is really nothing he said that I did not know before---his wife, daughter, his grief, his hard life after her death. But this time, they just sound so sad, heartbreaking, touching and real. And I feel even closer to him. The difference? -- I am experiencing exactly what he had years ago. I have suffered, and now know the deep pain many have endured. I thanked him for retelling his story and our genuine brotherhood bonded up by common grief. Now I feel even more that I truly belong to the human family. Indeed, everyone will someday lose everything they have ever loved or cared for. We really don't own anything and there is nothing really that belongs to us besides our love. Yet, each of us has a unique story. "Grief is the human condition; the tie that binds us all together".
Replies
Tiger you are spot on with this. I could never the get the \"I am sorry for your loss\" until it happened to me...now and I know you get this ..I am so so sorry for their loss. I am so thankful to the bonding we all share though and it really keeps me going. I don\'t know where we are all headed but for me personally I know I must keep going. In my journals there is one I did on January 8th...normally I keep it private and shared it for a few days. I am going to open it for a few days and would like you to read it....on some of my roughest days after my husband passed when I could not get up my mind would wander back to this...I would think of this family and I knew I had to stand up \"Grief is the human condition the tie that binds us together\" Sending hugs across the ocean!!!
Tiger . . I\'m so glad you were able to meet with your brother and re-kindle an even deeper bond than before. Yes, grief does tie is together in strange ways. It is a curse on one side and a blessing on the other. Much like life in general. Change is inevitible . . . it\'s the only thing we can really depend on in life, for it is never stagnate. We learn to be flexible like a reed, otherwise the storms in life will break us. Hugs to you my friend. D
Dear Kim and Dayna,
Thanks for sharing. It is this kind of human tie that bonds us, the sufferers, all together. The pain, anguish, emotions, they make us all so vulnerable, but at the same time, so strong because of the tie. Hugs, Tiger
I had so many losses in my life... my father dying in my first year in college, my godparents dying in a private plane crash on my 5th or 6th birthday.
I think Americans who grew up in the 60s also experienced national mourning with the deaths of JFK, RFK, MLK... There were the tragic deaths of beloved musicians, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and much later, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain. I know there were others, these are the ones that were personally significant for me.
Even when I hear about an earthquake, a flood, a heat wave causing deaths, the personal suffering seems very real to me, not cartoonish or removed at all. I hear about a survivor, and I rejoice.
I saw some reference to the Phoenix, and I have always liked that myth, about rebirth from ashes. In my own life, I rebuilt my life from ashes more than once.
And I\'m glad you could spend some time with your friend, and strengthen your bond. I\'m sure seeing you meant as much to him as for you.
A few months ago, I was at a bar with professionals in my field after a meetup. I told one that I dropped out of the community events for a while because of my mom\'s and wife\'s illnesses. He told me about his wife\'s miscarriage last year. For a moment, we bonded in grief.