The hours of the night and solitude

Good morning journal,the time is 9:14am in my part of the world,and I am awake.I have been awake at various times during the night,some when my sleep was disturbed by half dreams that I can't quite recollect,and others when I was simply unable to switch off my thoughts and rest.I spent some of the time simply staring at the ceiling,and others at the window of my bedroom just looking at the moon,where my daughter gazed back from the first star on the left,swinging her legs and waving at me.My wife had chosen to spend the night on the sofa in order to let me sleep undisturbed,but I missed her presence beside me;and in order not to disturb her rest,I remained where I was in the bedroom alone.During the periods I spent awake,my thought process seemed to slow down of it's own volition,enough to allow me to differentiate one from another,which was a relief of a kind.I found some form of relaxation and peace from that alone;I was also aware that my heart beat had slowed to a steady,and rhythmic,drum like repetitive thud within my chest;and the shaking in my hands had all but disappeared.I began to go over the events of yesterday slowly in my mind;I had set out to be silent,save for answering questions and conversational reply,and I had achieved that.I had determined not to be offensive or upset anyone that I encountered during my day;I had achieved that also,though when I considered that the only sentient beings I had come into contact with were my wife and dogs,perhaps I shouldn't be too overjoyed by my success.I also found time to dwell upon my current medication,and their effects,beneficial or otherwise,on my body;I use a spireva capsule inhaler in the morning,the contents of the aforementioned capsule, containing a dose of tiotropium bromide, released into my bloodstream over twenty four hours.I also have a rescue inhaler, containing salbutamol/Ventolin in measured doses,which I puff on during the day when required.My other medications are concerned primarily with my liver,stomach and cholesterol,they apparently, are performing whatever function they are expected to perform because I am still around.My inhalers have a somewhat more erratic success rate,some days they are effective,and work really well,and in others,I am left breathless and tight chested despite their usage.My depression medication on the other hand,seems to me to be more non-effective rather than productive in it's relief of my symptoms.My doctor has switched me from my previous prescription of citalopram/celexa,where he tried differing dosage levels without success,to mirtazapine/remeron,on a current dose of 30mls a day,this has had limited success,but on a very temporary level.The side effects include cotton mouth, which induces on the sufferer,an endless thirst, of which I am victim to;and an annoying dizziness on rising,which,at times,has the effect of making me stagger and sway as if intoxicated.I can also be subject to semi fainting episodes without moving from my chair,these can be concerning as I also suffer from type 2 diabetes,and the feelings described bear an uncanny similarity to the sensation one experiences when slipping into a diabetic coma;extremely unsettling for me, because if I wait too long,and my guess is wide of the mark,it could be unpleasant for my loved ones.I have an appointment scheduled to see a cognitive behavioral therapist four days before Christmas,I have no idea of what to expect,however I do know that it will be on camera,and that these sessions will last for approximately one hour over a period of six months or longer.I will keep you informed of any results in the forthcoming visitations journal,rest assured.
                                                  On leaving my bedroom and installing myself in front of my computer;I am again both incredibly moved,and extremely gratified,by the comments of my friends on my previous journal entry.It never ceases to astound me, that people I have never met, could care so much for,or reach out so far,to a soul in need;I am both humbled,and immeasurably thankful,not to mention hugely fortunate to have you in my corner;thank you so much!.
                                                                                                     Now,at the beginning of a new day,I feel calmer,more relaxed and at ease;not a monumental leap by any means,but an improvement at least,which I am grateful for.My wife still slumbers on the sofa,surrounded by our canine children,who barely acknowledge my arrival,so totally and blissfully content are they,wrapped in the warmth of their human mother's love,and in the comfort of her presence among them.My wife has recently mentioned the possibility of me being bi-polar,and indeed,looking through my medical records,we have noticed several references to depressive periods,"swinging to elation" at times,dating back to 1982.Six years ago,I was referred to a clinic by a locum practitioner who felt I might be bi-polar,I was seen by two mental health specialists who,because I displayed no bi-polar like symptoms on the day,made the diagnosis of severe clinical depression,caused by situational and circumstantial conditions present in my life at that time.No follow up sessions,no further action,I improved enough to carry on my daily life,throwing myself into work;and trusting the diagnosis of the professionals whom,after all, I had no reason to doubt.I've always been a workaholic really,it gave me meaning and purpose;and pride in being able to provide a life of security for my family.I was a perfectionist in everything I did,my sound system on stage was checked and rechecked,the contents of my show varied for every performance,and my appearances on stage smart and always with a smile,despite whatever my emotional state of mind beforehand,the audience owned me for my time onstage,they had paid to be there;I was their property for three hours twice a day and I owed my living to them.In my thirty two years of performing,I was the ultimate professional and I gave them everything it was possible to give;I posed for photographs,I signed autographs,and I spent time with them long after my body cried out for rest,and I loved them,and every minute,of my career.There is still,even now,an immense source of satisfaction and pride for me,when I relive my time in front of rooms of people,a lot of whom returned time after time,year after year,to let me entertain them;I like to think I never let them down.Well journal,it is time to leave,my little face on the mood chart being upgraded to the yellow fellow signifying a feeling of OK,I am grateful for both you, and my friends here,and for the opportunity to perhaps repair,if not eradicate,the errors and the harsh words of the past two days.Till tomorrow then,you remain my friend and my conscience,may peace dwell in both of us this day.