The Holidays

Well it is Sunday evening. I guess it was a good weekend. I was not going to call my son because I called him last Saturday(the 4th)and I am trying to see if he will call me. I know he calls his father, but to date does not call me. He claims he was just going to call me, but I called him before he could get a chance to call me. No call this weekend, so today I just had to ask what day he is flying back to San Diego? And of course he doesn't know...maybe the 22 or the 23rd. He has already told me he won't be able to see me at all while he is here.(he will be home for 3 weeks!) He said it is just too much trouble to deal with his father about seeing me. He won't call me either, because that causes conflict with his father. And after all I can handle it, his dad can't. I hate being seen as the strong one, the one who can always deal with everything. For once I would like to be the weak one,the one who gets every ones attention. But Mom you always understand, dad doesn't. Well I don't understand why my children can't see me for Christmas or my birthday, when they only live 5 minutes away from me. I haven't spent a Christmas with them in 3 years. So I sit here in my little RV trying not to freeze to death because I can't afford the propane, crying my eyes out. I can't get past it. Holidays were always important to me, but not to any of them. But now that I am gone they spend all the holidays together without me. I think my heart and head will explode. What did I do to deserve this. I know I am supposed to count my lucky stars for being out of that house, but I can't believe this is better. I miss them all so much.I wish I had never left any of them, I was better off being abused then left out in the rain as I am now. I was only mentally abused not physically. I think I gave up to easily, I just want my children to love me. Why can't they love me just a little?