The Heart Full of Pain

It's getting close to the day Ken left us for his Heavenly home.  I can not believe that on Dec 30th it will be 7 years.  7 YEARS SINCE I SAW MY CHILD, HOW COULD THIS BE.  I know each of you feel the same....How Could It be that I SURVIVED the first day, second day on and on and now it will be 7 YEARS, and the missing has never stopped.  Even though the tears come, I keep a lot of my saddness to myself now.  My body has aged. My aches and pains are getting worse.  I am older. I am not and never be the person I used to be.  Even though others have tired to hurt me, they can't.  They don't understand, you, me anyone who has lost their child has been hurt to the very core of their being.  There is no deeper hurt can happen.  Just if we have other children, they can cause us pain, but PEOPLE they think they can but they don't get it..Actually they really don't get it...we have cried as we have never cried before, our heart has felt pain as it has never felt before...our entire being has been through the most devestating pain we will ever know.  Our children is and will always be our loves.  Me I have three more boys.  I am so thankful for and the only thing that can hurt me is if they are not safe, or not happy, but outside of that and this is my opinion I have been hurt beyond repair.  No one can hurt me as now I have a shield, a shield that protects me from the pain that others try to put on me.  THEY JUST DON'T GET IT...MY CHILD DIED and no one not one can hurt me like I have, you have been hurt.  It is a different hurt.  A hurt you wish on no one, but I find it somewhat amusing how some try to hurt you, cause you pain and it just passes through me as if a word was never spoken.  My heart, my pain, my everything, no pain could hurt like the loss of a child.  How did I become a mom that lost their child, I don't know.  I wonder, what did I do? Nothing? to cause it. To cause this pain, to lose my child.  Just as you, we did nothing,  We did the best we knew how.  We cared, we loved and now we have lost.  Together we will travel this path.  Others as sad as it is will join us and our hearts will be with them.  No matter the time, we have not forgotten the pain that engulfed our hearts, that took us somewhere we had never been before.  How can we ever forgot how it felt, how it feels..Not one of us will ever forget that horrid day or night when we heard the words, our child is gone. To the new moms here and to us that have stayed as the time has passed, we so understand, we still know the pain.  We know how the heart aches and wonder how it kept beating. Losing a child, I believe is a pain like no other.  A pain that will be with us until the day they say we are gone.  To those whether just began your road of this unreal relentless pain we are together, not by choice, but by no options and without others who understand the pain we carry only they can help us down this path.  I think of beautiful roads of overhanging trees and taken pictures as the road goes on forever, that is us.  We are on an unending path in this life, but to know there is a mom in our group will reach out to us, even as their heart feels the same pain, we have each other to help carry our load. We need each other, we need to know we are not alone.  And yet we can not reach out to our child, there is hope, hope of seeing our loved one again:

   MOM, just because you cannot see me, does not mean I am not there, and just because I am in heaven does not mean I do not care. I often (a lot) see you crying and you often say my name, I want to hold you tight and I want to ease your pain.

Mom, it's easy for me for I know Heaven is real, if you knew the truth, how much better would you feel.  Mom, One day we will meet again but only when the time is right, when you step out of the darkness, I will be standing to hold your hand.

(Some words I have changed, please do not fault me on that, as this is how I feel when I read this poem my sister sent me>)

My heart goes out to each of you as the Holiday's are bright and cherry, yet within our hearts there is not a lot of shinning, but remember one day we will be there.  May each of you find some peace during these Holiday's and remeber each of us are not alone.