The guilt thing..
So I wanted to respond to a post someone put up about feeling guilty about IF. I started writing an essay in response and realised that I was hijacking the post so thought that it was more appropriate to do this in my own journal space.
So my old friend guilt...This was probably the most predominant emotion I felt when we had all of our fertility struggles two years ago. My husband is a very good man. He has always done the right thing, played by the rules and coloured in between the lines...that is why I married him. I love him immensely and from our second meeting I knew that I would end up with him. What does this have to do with guilt?
Well, I feel like I duped him...with all of these promises of a happy family life..that I failed to deliver. I feel like I tricked him into falling in love with me because at the end of the day, I couldn't come up with the goods. I didn't know I would have trouble conceiving at that stage ,but maybe I should have. Once we started fertility treatment and all of those lovely hormones were flooding my system, I started turning my guilt into resentment...I resented him for being so good..in fact, if you look at one of my earlier posts, it is all about just that. Reflecting back on this, I feel like that resentment is just another manifestation of my guilt.
I also have body image issues...which, when I think about it, is probably all related to my suspected diagnosis of PCOS...the thing is; I train like a demon, eat very little and have left three dietitians baffled as to why I simply will not lose any more weight. They gave up on me...yes you read that correctly..they gave up on me...they had no answers. So, yeah, PCOS and thyroid issues may to blame...but that doesn't stop me despairing in the mirror when I catch sight of myself. I feel guilty about that too.
I also feel like I have alienated alot of friends because they couldn't relate or understand what IF is like.
Alot of my friends had children extremely easily and they kinda felt like they couldn't talk to me because I was so upset about fertility so they distanced themselves from me...which alienated me even more...in fact, one of them said (and I kid you not!) once I got pregnant "oh thank God that's over an done with, now I can have my friend back"...as if I was suddenly cured because IVF worked for me...ummm no, it doesn't work that way and then I felt guilty because I felt like I was ruining my friendships because of the way I was feeling..ugh..not even sure that makes sense.
Ok enough contemplation about how IF has ruined my life. Because it hasn't. I have a son as a result of IVF. Simply cannot believe my luck. Oh yeah, there's guilt about that as well...because whenever I have a tough day with my son (and believe me, there have been many!) I feel guilty getting frustrated with him because it took so much to get him in the first place.
But moving on, I am one of the incredibly lucky ones...I know that. I remember it every day. It still doesn't dissolve those feelings of guilt though. But we do what we have to in order to get by...and that's what I am doing...plugging along on day 8...hoping for another miracle this month.
So my old friend guilt...This was probably the most predominant emotion I felt when we had all of our fertility struggles two years ago. My husband is a very good man. He has always done the right thing, played by the rules and coloured in between the lines...that is why I married him. I love him immensely and from our second meeting I knew that I would end up with him. What does this have to do with guilt?
Well, I feel like I duped him...with all of these promises of a happy family life..that I failed to deliver. I feel like I tricked him into falling in love with me because at the end of the day, I couldn't come up with the goods. I didn't know I would have trouble conceiving at that stage ,but maybe I should have. Once we started fertility treatment and all of those lovely hormones were flooding my system, I started turning my guilt into resentment...I resented him for being so good..in fact, if you look at one of my earlier posts, it is all about just that. Reflecting back on this, I feel like that resentment is just another manifestation of my guilt.
I also have body image issues...which, when I think about it, is probably all related to my suspected diagnosis of PCOS...the thing is; I train like a demon, eat very little and have left three dietitians baffled as to why I simply will not lose any more weight. They gave up on me...yes you read that correctly..they gave up on me...they had no answers. So, yeah, PCOS and thyroid issues may to blame...but that doesn't stop me despairing in the mirror when I catch sight of myself. I feel guilty about that too.
I also feel like I have alienated alot of friends because they couldn't relate or understand what IF is like.
Alot of my friends had children extremely easily and they kinda felt like they couldn't talk to me because I was so upset about fertility so they distanced themselves from me...which alienated me even more...in fact, one of them said (and I kid you not!) once I got pregnant "oh thank God that's over an done with, now I can have my friend back"...as if I was suddenly cured because IVF worked for me...ummm no, it doesn't work that way and then I felt guilty because I felt like I was ruining my friendships because of the way I was feeling..ugh..not even sure that makes sense.
Ok enough contemplation about how IF has ruined my life. Because it hasn't. I have a son as a result of IVF. Simply cannot believe my luck. Oh yeah, there's guilt about that as well...because whenever I have a tough day with my son (and believe me, there have been many!) I feel guilty getting frustrated with him because it took so much to get him in the first place.
But moving on, I am one of the incredibly lucky ones...I know that. I remember it every day. It still doesn't dissolve those feelings of guilt though. But we do what we have to in order to get by...and that's what I am doing...plugging along on day 8...hoping for another miracle this month.
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