The Good and The Bad
I thought I was over this lung stuff but all of a sudden this week I have been coughing again quite a bit. I am waiting until next wednesday when I see my pc to see what he has to say before I cal the specialist again as it could just be my seasonal allergies. I have finally begun my walking regimen again and am boy does it hurt but I am pushing through it as I am so extremely frustrated that during the 4 1/2 months of being sick I gained 26 of the 40 pounds I had lost last year back. I feel very fat undesirable and just plain ugly. None of my clothes fit right I just hate it and pray that it does not take 6 months like it did last year. I am making sure to use my fitbit app to the fullest with how many calories in and how many out, I did not diet last year and am not this year either just walking. The reason being my body is very good at letting me know what it needs and I had already made better changes to my diet prior to beginning walking last year and now it is even better. I am rather proud though as I am able to get up to between 7500-8000 steps 4 days a week the other 3 days are rest days with getting about 5000 steps in. I did not get to that point last year until the end of October. My goal is to be at 15000 by the end of September and stay there for awhile. I am very determined as I was feeling really good before the pneumonia with my progress and now I am back at square 1. Of course a big part of the weight gain is due to being on steroids 4 different times and then my pc took the diuretic version of my blood pressure med out so I am also retaining water, feel like a beached whale.
Another sad thing that has happened is the church Tim and I were going to and loved closed its doors on June 12th. So we are lost as to what we are going to do at this time. We both need it and there we were accepted just as we were no questions and loved for being us. I do not think we will be able to find that again. But I am praying we will.
Our relationship is at a weird place and I do not know how to change it. We both are so independent and not used to being held accountable to someone else and for me it is hurtful. I do understand where he is coming from and know I am probably doing the same thing but I want to talk and he does not. There is so much going on in my head that I can not sleep much either and he does not like that nor does he understand it. At this point right now I feel more like his maid then his girlfriend and that has got to change. How I have yet to figure out. Old habits die hard as they say but ours are going to if I have anything to do about it.
I just read a fantastic book that all of you should read. It is actually written by a lady in my hometown she lost her 18 month old son in 1991 to drowning and how it is written is really unique. The name of the book is "Where Bluebirds Fly" by Joanne Devany. My youngest son was in school with her oldest son he was 2 years ahead of my son the one she lost would have been in his class. It is really a great book and tells both the fathers side and mothers side, along with some blurbs from the rescue people, neighbors, babysitter who found him iin the lake and others.
In a few weeks it will be Jerred's birthday and this year he would have turned the big 3 0. I so wonder what he would be like and how his life would be. my other 2 boys life's are so opposite of each other that I can not even fathom what Jerr's would have been like. Then 29 days later will be his angel day. This is the hardest time of the year for me and he has been so much on my mind since I meant Tim that I know it is going to be rough this year since it already is. All thoughts and prayers are appreciated as I know very well how they work to make someone feel better. This year has been a rough one since January 19th I pray it gets better soon.
I know I have been rambling through this one but that is how my mind is right now flitting from one thing to another non stop. I just hope some of this makes sense to anyone. Since it is 3 in the morning I suppose I should try to sleep as my grand babies are going to be here at 8:15. Later!!!!
Another sad thing that has happened is the church Tim and I were going to and loved closed its doors on June 12th. So we are lost as to what we are going to do at this time. We both need it and there we were accepted just as we were no questions and loved for being us. I do not think we will be able to find that again. But I am praying we will.
Our relationship is at a weird place and I do not know how to change it. We both are so independent and not used to being held accountable to someone else and for me it is hurtful. I do understand where he is coming from and know I am probably doing the same thing but I want to talk and he does not. There is so much going on in my head that I can not sleep much either and he does not like that nor does he understand it. At this point right now I feel more like his maid then his girlfriend and that has got to change. How I have yet to figure out. Old habits die hard as they say but ours are going to if I have anything to do about it.
I just read a fantastic book that all of you should read. It is actually written by a lady in my hometown she lost her 18 month old son in 1991 to drowning and how it is written is really unique. The name of the book is "Where Bluebirds Fly" by Joanne Devany. My youngest son was in school with her oldest son he was 2 years ahead of my son the one she lost would have been in his class. It is really a great book and tells both the fathers side and mothers side, along with some blurbs from the rescue people, neighbors, babysitter who found him iin the lake and others.
In a few weeks it will be Jerred's birthday and this year he would have turned the big 3 0. I so wonder what he would be like and how his life would be. my other 2 boys life's are so opposite of each other that I can not even fathom what Jerr's would have been like. Then 29 days later will be his angel day. This is the hardest time of the year for me and he has been so much on my mind since I meant Tim that I know it is going to be rough this year since it already is. All thoughts and prayers are appreciated as I know very well how they work to make someone feel better. This year has been a rough one since January 19th I pray it gets better soon.
I know I have been rambling through this one but that is how my mind is right now flitting from one thing to another non stop. I just hope some of this makes sense to anyone. Since it is 3 in the morning I suppose I should try to sleep as my grand babies are going to be here at 8:15. Later!!!!
Replies
Hopeful that your health issues continue to improve and that you find a spiritual home as I know that is very important to both Tim and to you.
Relationships go through their peaks, valleys and automatic pilot times I have discovered. Talking about how you are feeling is critical and being able to hear hard things about how we are perceived is too. I think we are called to continually do our inner work and sometimes it feels as if a \"recess\" should be in order.
Gentle care and enjoy your grandies as I know what JOY they bring. :)
I understand too the one/two heart punch as I experience the same thing with July/August. I\'m always so ready for a huge exhale after navigating those. Imagine your son turning 30 and mine will be 33. Hard to imagine indeed.
Loving care and continued healing on all levels,
XO Joanie