The Good and the Bad
Well I went to the hep c specialist. And to my delight I won't have to undergo the terrible interferon treatment. The Dr. said that they stopped using it just 6 months ago. Now they have 2 treatment plans that actually cure the disease. So, I am going to get a 12 week treatment with pills, no injections, with little side effects. I will have to undergo some tests to see the current condition of my liver and then we can go from there. This is all great news. It is very expensive. She said it was $1000 a pill. But, I have been blessed with my fathers help with the insurance and he will pay for the rest. Truly thankful for that.
I didn't realize I was sick. I guess I've just gotten used to feeling badly. The dr. said that my viral load is over 19 million. which is extremely high. At least now I know why I feel so bad.
Dad is going to turn 92 next month. HooAah!!
I was counting on my son to take me to a couple of the tests. They are going to put me out for an upper and lower "Scope" and I will need a driver. Well, he decided to get drunk and crash his car into a house this weekend and lost his liscense. He'll be lucky if he doesn't go to jail over it. This will be his second DUI. I don't know what to do. My youngest, 20 yrs. old, just got a liscense and I don't trust him to drive in downtown Kansas City. Just what I needed to worry about.
My youngest is also the one that verbally and emotionally abuses me. He calls me names like "Crazy", "Psychotic" and swears at me all the time. He is very cruel. When he gets mad at me he refuses to do what he had already committed to doing. That's abuse isn't it? Like if I have to groom a dog he'll back out of helping me at the last minute to punish me.
He told me to "F off" yesterday. It's become his new thing. I have to groom a cat today. I definately can't do that on my own so I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't do anything to tick him off or he won't help me. How am I going to deal with that when I am going through this treatment. How can I depend on him to drive me or even help me at all.
I really feel alone here. The "Good Son" is always out of town on a job. My oldest just lost his liscense and my youngest is very abusive. I have no one else to turn to. I could ask my girl friend to drive me, but she works a lot too. And I don't want to put her out.
I'm crying every day now. I am finding it difficult to function. The verbal and emotional abuse has gotten so bad that it's really messing me up. This is the exact reason why I plan on staying single. I have been abused by men my whole life and now I'm taking it from my own child. I don't understand, it's seems surreal.
And for this treatment I have to stop smoking. I don't drink much but doc said I can never have another drink, ever. How am I suppose to stop smoking when someone is insulting and degrading me on a daily basis. I don't know how to deal with all of this. It's a lot of stuff to deal with and with no familial support except from my father. Who, by the way, won't say anything to his grandson about the way he treats his mother or about getting a job. He's an old man, he doesn't need this crap.
I am really feeling badly!!! I woke up crying today. Smoked a cigarette and just cried. It's difficult to face the day when you know someone is going to make a point of hurting you today. I can't make this one go away with a divorce. I am so tired of men mistreating me. I deserve compassion and love. How is someone supposed to deal with depression, disabling arthritis and hep c treatment while being verbally and emotionally abused. And all the while I am the one taking care of a 91 yr. old man, the animals, the house and trying to keep an income of some sort coming in. (My son won't get a job or go to school. But, for some reason thinks he has a right to judge and belittle me.)
I know Ben has some issues he needs to deal with. He refuses. I can't work with that. Anytime I mention getting a job or going to school he starts cussing at me. And quite frankly I am sick of it. I love my son but I am sick of being abused by men. I would much rather live alone than deal with this shit!!!
Just writing this down and getting it out has made me feel a little better. Now I just have to face the day.
Bye for now.
I didn't realize I was sick. I guess I've just gotten used to feeling badly. The dr. said that my viral load is over 19 million. which is extremely high. At least now I know why I feel so bad.
Dad is going to turn 92 next month. HooAah!!
I was counting on my son to take me to a couple of the tests. They are going to put me out for an upper and lower "Scope" and I will need a driver. Well, he decided to get drunk and crash his car into a house this weekend and lost his liscense. He'll be lucky if he doesn't go to jail over it. This will be his second DUI. I don't know what to do. My youngest, 20 yrs. old, just got a liscense and I don't trust him to drive in downtown Kansas City. Just what I needed to worry about.
My youngest is also the one that verbally and emotionally abuses me. He calls me names like "Crazy", "Psychotic" and swears at me all the time. He is very cruel. When he gets mad at me he refuses to do what he had already committed to doing. That's abuse isn't it? Like if I have to groom a dog he'll back out of helping me at the last minute to punish me.
He told me to "F off" yesterday. It's become his new thing. I have to groom a cat today. I definately can't do that on my own so I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I can't do anything to tick him off or he won't help me. How am I going to deal with that when I am going through this treatment. How can I depend on him to drive me or even help me at all.
I really feel alone here. The "Good Son" is always out of town on a job. My oldest just lost his liscense and my youngest is very abusive. I have no one else to turn to. I could ask my girl friend to drive me, but she works a lot too. And I don't want to put her out.
I'm crying every day now. I am finding it difficult to function. The verbal and emotional abuse has gotten so bad that it's really messing me up. This is the exact reason why I plan on staying single. I have been abused by men my whole life and now I'm taking it from my own child. I don't understand, it's seems surreal.
And for this treatment I have to stop smoking. I don't drink much but doc said I can never have another drink, ever. How am I suppose to stop smoking when someone is insulting and degrading me on a daily basis. I don't know how to deal with all of this. It's a lot of stuff to deal with and with no familial support except from my father. Who, by the way, won't say anything to his grandson about the way he treats his mother or about getting a job. He's an old man, he doesn't need this crap.
I am really feeling badly!!! I woke up crying today. Smoked a cigarette and just cried. It's difficult to face the day when you know someone is going to make a point of hurting you today. I can't make this one go away with a divorce. I am so tired of men mistreating me. I deserve compassion and love. How is someone supposed to deal with depression, disabling arthritis and hep c treatment while being verbally and emotionally abused. And all the while I am the one taking care of a 91 yr. old man, the animals, the house and trying to keep an income of some sort coming in. (My son won't get a job or go to school. But, for some reason thinks he has a right to judge and belittle me.)
I know Ben has some issues he needs to deal with. He refuses. I can't work with that. Anytime I mention getting a job or going to school he starts cussing at me. And quite frankly I am sick of it. I love my son but I am sick of being abused by men. I would much rather live alone than deal with this shit!!!
Just writing this down and getting it out has made me feel a little better. Now I just have to face the day.
Bye for now.
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