The Gauntlet

For me, every morning is like waking up from a battle I couldnt defend myself in. I just sat there and had the life beaten out of me for 8 hours. I try to tell people what happened, but no one believes me. There is no proof, aside from the dark circles under my eyes that have been there for years now, and feel like bruises that speak for my sire, tired, aching eyes. My chest feels caved in on itself. I feel off kilter, as if my balance was off, and I could fall over at any minute. The tiredness is the worst part, though. It is a painful, deep, stop you in your tracks kind of emptyness, like I have nothing to offer. It takes me about 3-4 hours to get with it. I usually try and avoid all human contact until I've had coffee. The pain and tiredness never disspates as the day goes on. The headache only worsens in severity. My eyes only get more sore. I only become more bitter and angry towards the world. By 5pm I am hoping a meteor crashes into Earth so I can stop living this day in/day out madness. I have been on cpap for about 10 months. I use it religously - all night - every night for 8+ hours. I have yet to miss a single night. I am the poster boy for proper cpap usage and care, yet restful sleep evades me. I have no real friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in 6 years. I don't drink because even a few beers exacerbates the symptoms. I feel like a waste of life. I was laid off in July 2016 and have been living on severance/401k since then. I successfully auditioned for the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in October 2016, for their two year professional acting program in NYC. The semester starts in January 2017, and it looks like I won't be attending, as I cant find a cosigner for my loan. Sometimes, I just want to run away to some other country so I could stop being such a burden.