The Future
A friend from the US visited Hong Kong and we had dinner last night. He is a senior professor and used to be my department chair in the US, he asked my career plan for the next. I have avoided that question for some time. I haven't really thought about that. In the moments of grief, thinking future adds anxiety. But for him, I need to give some answers, so I started saying without much thinking----
"I don't really know. There seem to be too many choices and too much uncertainty....Personally, my mom's situation is a major concern. I need to go back to Beijing once a while to see her and care-take her to help my brother. That means I need to stay close to China. But if she leaves, then I can go some place else without worrying too much about visiting China 6 times a year. Also, I am under pressure from my father to get remarried so that is a variable. But I prefer to live alone at least for some time and kinds of just get used to it...I am completely financially independent if I stay single. But if I get remarried, that may change....
Academically, I have choices to go back to the US, stay in Hong Kong, or even in China. My contract with the Hong Kong university ends in two years, but I don't see much of a problem to extend it if I want. Eventually I will probably go back to the US. Jobs in the US are available now when the baby boomers are getting retired, but senior jobs in prime locations are still very difficult to find. Europe is another option. I have taught in universities in the US, China, and Hong Kong, I really want to try Europe but the universities there often require another language besides English, which I don't have (Chinese doesn't count). I can go to a Chinese university but that hasn't entered serious thought because they have a different system...."
"The point is that I am not really thinking about this. With all these uncertainties, I am just trying to get through this day, and maybe plan for a day or two. I was a planner before but not anymore...I never knew life can be lived this way".
Then I said something that surprised him and, even more, myself. I said " It is kind of FUN not to know the next". I think what I meant by that was I don't really control anything in life....I don't live life any more.....life lives me....Tolle's words: "Life is the dancer, I am the dance"...Buddha's words for that: "a falling leaf on a flowing river...going anywhere and going nowhere". I am thinking that this state of seeming aimless, goalless, planless, non-expectation....maybe, just maybe... fun?
"I don't really know. There seem to be too many choices and too much uncertainty....Personally, my mom's situation is a major concern. I need to go back to Beijing once a while to see her and care-take her to help my brother. That means I need to stay close to China. But if she leaves, then I can go some place else without worrying too much about visiting China 6 times a year. Also, I am under pressure from my father to get remarried so that is a variable. But I prefer to live alone at least for some time and kinds of just get used to it...I am completely financially independent if I stay single. But if I get remarried, that may change....
Academically, I have choices to go back to the US, stay in Hong Kong, or even in China. My contract with the Hong Kong university ends in two years, but I don't see much of a problem to extend it if I want. Eventually I will probably go back to the US. Jobs in the US are available now when the baby boomers are getting retired, but senior jobs in prime locations are still very difficult to find. Europe is another option. I have taught in universities in the US, China, and Hong Kong, I really want to try Europe but the universities there often require another language besides English, which I don't have (Chinese doesn't count). I can go to a Chinese university but that hasn't entered serious thought because they have a different system...."
"The point is that I am not really thinking about this. With all these uncertainties, I am just trying to get through this day, and maybe plan for a day or two. I was a planner before but not anymore...I never knew life can be lived this way".
Then I said something that surprised him and, even more, myself. I said " It is kind of FUN not to know the next". I think what I meant by that was I don't really control anything in life....I don't live life any more.....life lives me....Tolle's words: "Life is the dancer, I am the dance"...Buddha's words for that: "a falling leaf on a flowing river...going anywhere and going nowhere". I am thinking that this state of seeming aimless, goalless, planless, non-expectation....maybe, just maybe... fun?
Replies
Tiger...of all your journals this one says the most ..and maybe it\'s the simplicity of the word FUN...such a very small word yet the meaning is indefinable ...your grief journey like mine seems to be taking you on a journey of discovering self....I can\'t decide if a high five or hug is what I should send..so going to settle on a big ten (that\'s a high five with both hands at the same time) and a warm embrace!!
Tiger, I enjoyed your journal also. You have such wonderful opportunities ahead, but you will know when you are ready! Hugs and Love, Michele
We have discovered that we really don\'t control our lives. All the plans we have can be dashed by a few simple words. Cancer, pain, dying... I Fun is a word I have missed. May your journey take you there! Hugs patti
Yes, this is the way life is supposed to be . . . forever changing, mysterious and unknowing. This is what makes life a beautiful (often fun) experience!! You are evolving more and more with each passing day. So very proud of you. Hugs, D