The Future
Today my boyfriend and I drove around looking at houses. We stopped at Speedway first and grabbed some slurpees. Then we drove to a neighboring city, one we prefer to eventually live in.
The houses were gorgeous! Each was unique. I loved the ones that breathed mid-century. And he loved them too. It felt good to connect like that, agreeing on houses.
Once it got too dark we made our way back home, wondering how much those houses would actually cost. We looked on zillow to discover they're pretty affordable despite the great location.
We started looking at specific houses and calculating how much our mortgage would be for certain price levels. I fell in absolute love with one house. It has the perfect art room, deck, mid-century aesthetic, and space and it was in our price range. Our price range if I had a good job that is. We decided that once I get an entry level position out of college we could afford to buy a $180,000 house in our desired city.
I wish we could seriously look into buying our first home. I wish I could afford to pay my share for a house. I feel as though if I hadn't medically withdrew from the last three semesters I could be graduated and in a good paying job and we could be in a position where we could actually consider buying that house.
I am doing great now though and the past is the past. I am just so eager to move forward. I've been stuck for so long, now that I am feeling like myself I want to jump into everything.
Plus I want to feel more connected with my boyfriend. I like to know we want the same things. I want to feel like we're a family. Today was great, we really bonded I think. He may not see it like I do, but today was just what I needed.
My sister told me to stop planning for him to plan to ask me to marry him. She said just wait and forget about it or I'll drive myself crazy. But I think it's too late. I already am crazy! This waiting has now freaked me out like he doesn't want to be with me. I mean what is he waiting for?! He is using his great grandmother's ring so it's definitely not money he's waiting on.
He once told me, after asking him why he hasn't popped the question, that he didn't want to tie himself to someone who will give up on everything. He wanted to be sure that I won't give up on life before he marries me because he doesn't want to end up hating his life because he's stuck with someone who's given up.
Can you imagine how much that hurt me? How much it still hurts me? He's tried to explain himself and apologize but at the same time implies it's still true. His love is conditional. He told me straight to my face that his marriage proposal is conditional. It's hard to get that out of the back of my mind. Despite knowing I have depression and anxiety and a horrid past, that his love comes with terms and conditions hurts me more than anything.
I've been dying for deep connection, any sign that he wants to be with me forever. I'm passing all my classes, I try to budget our groceries better, I keep the apartment tidier, I make dinner almost every night, I try to give him his space to play video games more. I think he notices some what but other times I just don't think he is.
Now sitting here I am wondering why I am fighting so hard to impress and convince someone that we're good together when his love is conditional. He doesn't comprehend how hard everything is for me, how much my depression takes away from me, how much my anxiety prevents me from doing, how I am having serious flashbacks and anxiety attacks lately. He just doesn't seem to care. Whenever I bring it up he just says huh then starts talking about something else. It feels horrible to not have confirmation through my own boyfriend.
I just want to be with him. I want to know he wants to be with me forever. I want to shake him from his robotic, emotionless thinking. I want to inject him with the fear and panic and shame I feel everyday so that he can finally understand. I wish he was more empathetic.
I loved looking at houses today. It made me feel great, but now after this journal I am left feeling sad. Why won't he commit to me? I just think he doesn't really want me but is too scared to break it off. He doesn't want to deal with my mental illnesses forever. And that is such a sickening feeling.
The houses were gorgeous! Each was unique. I loved the ones that breathed mid-century. And he loved them too. It felt good to connect like that, agreeing on houses.
Once it got too dark we made our way back home, wondering how much those houses would actually cost. We looked on zillow to discover they're pretty affordable despite the great location.
We started looking at specific houses and calculating how much our mortgage would be for certain price levels. I fell in absolute love with one house. It has the perfect art room, deck, mid-century aesthetic, and space and it was in our price range. Our price range if I had a good job that is. We decided that once I get an entry level position out of college we could afford to buy a $180,000 house in our desired city.
I wish we could seriously look into buying our first home. I wish I could afford to pay my share for a house. I feel as though if I hadn't medically withdrew from the last three semesters I could be graduated and in a good paying job and we could be in a position where we could actually consider buying that house.
I am doing great now though and the past is the past. I am just so eager to move forward. I've been stuck for so long, now that I am feeling like myself I want to jump into everything.
Plus I want to feel more connected with my boyfriend. I like to know we want the same things. I want to feel like we're a family. Today was great, we really bonded I think. He may not see it like I do, but today was just what I needed.
My sister told me to stop planning for him to plan to ask me to marry him. She said just wait and forget about it or I'll drive myself crazy. But I think it's too late. I already am crazy! This waiting has now freaked me out like he doesn't want to be with me. I mean what is he waiting for?! He is using his great grandmother's ring so it's definitely not money he's waiting on.
He once told me, after asking him why he hasn't popped the question, that he didn't want to tie himself to someone who will give up on everything. He wanted to be sure that I won't give up on life before he marries me because he doesn't want to end up hating his life because he's stuck with someone who's given up.
Can you imagine how much that hurt me? How much it still hurts me? He's tried to explain himself and apologize but at the same time implies it's still true. His love is conditional. He told me straight to my face that his marriage proposal is conditional. It's hard to get that out of the back of my mind. Despite knowing I have depression and anxiety and a horrid past, that his love comes with terms and conditions hurts me more than anything.
I've been dying for deep connection, any sign that he wants to be with me forever. I'm passing all my classes, I try to budget our groceries better, I keep the apartment tidier, I make dinner almost every night, I try to give him his space to play video games more. I think he notices some what but other times I just don't think he is.
Now sitting here I am wondering why I am fighting so hard to impress and convince someone that we're good together when his love is conditional. He doesn't comprehend how hard everything is for me, how much my depression takes away from me, how much my anxiety prevents me from doing, how I am having serious flashbacks and anxiety attacks lately. He just doesn't seem to care. Whenever I bring it up he just says huh then starts talking about something else. It feels horrible to not have confirmation through my own boyfriend.
I just want to be with him. I want to know he wants to be with me forever. I want to shake him from his robotic, emotionless thinking. I want to inject him with the fear and panic and shame I feel everyday so that he can finally understand. I wish he was more empathetic.
I loved looking at houses today. It made me feel great, but now after this journal I am left feeling sad. Why won't he commit to me? I just think he doesn't really want me but is too scared to break it off. He doesn't want to deal with my mental illnesses forever. And that is such a sickening feeling.
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