The Full Story Behind The Loss Of My Baby.

Squiggly Our Angel.
This is one subject I do not like discussing, people say talking helps, or writing in a diary. Well I have spoken about this in the past and I also wrote my partner a very long letter about how I felt in regards to losing our baby, neither helped. I was given antidepressants but didn't take them because I fell pregnant again, I don't really want to see a counselor because one of my flaws is, I can express my feelings in words but I cannot do the same face to face. But here goes, the full story behind the loss of our baby and why I blame myself. 

It was October 11th, I told my partner he needed to go to the shop and get me pregnancy tests, which he did. Upon he's return I done the test and the lines came back in seconds. I was pregnant!! WHAT?! NO!! Instantly I began to cry, I didn't want to be pregnant, it wasn't expected, it wasn't planned. We had just moved and could barely look after ourselves because of the change in circumstances, how could we possibly look after a baby? I called my Mum, crying down the phone, telling her I was pregnant, and she pretty much told me to get over it, it's no good worrying about it now, it's happened. I then turned to my best friend, she made me realize this situation wasn't a bad situation, it was actually a good one. I stopped the tears and I began to feel excited, I was going to be a mum again. My partner was exited, and so was my daughter when we told her. She was going to be a big sister. But then I didn't feel right, what was wrong? I didn't feel like this when I was pregnant with my daughter, okay no two pregnancies are the same but something felt very off and awful. I felt sick all the time, I couldn't get out of bed from the pain I was in, I hurt everywhere, I felt dizzy, sick, hot, unwell, as if I had severe food poisoning day in, day out. I went to see my GP and they diagnosed me with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, was this the answer to my problems? I didn't think it was. I was given anti-sickness tablets, yet they didn't make me feel any better. I was feeling worse every day, to the point I began questioning my decisions to keep the baby, I said two of the worst things I could ever of said, 1) I wouldn't care if I went to the toilet and started bleeding right now. & 2) I swear I should just have an abortion. These two comments right here is why I blame myself for losing our baby. I continued with the pregnancy, thinking, maybe things will get better, but they was getting worse. I told my GP, the midwife and the hospital that something was wrong with this baby, there was something wrong with this pregnancy, it didn't feel right at all. But no-one would listen. I went for my first scan on the 13th of November, of course it was a Friday!! - I laid on the bed and the woman began the scan, she asked if I have had any bleeding, I said no, and in that moment I knew 100% that something was not right. I didn't say anything I just laid there, waiting for what felt like hours, then she finally said, "we need you to wait in a private room for a doctor, your baby is measuring at 6 weeks and 5 days, there is no heartbeat but it could be too soon" - I waited for the doctor to come and the doctor asked about my medical history and he asked about my monthly cycles, I knew my dates were not wrong. I should of been around 10 weeks pregnant at my first scan. I was told I need to come back in two weeks for a second scan. I went home and I cried for all of a few minutes, then I got up and tried to do something else, but the pain was constantly there, so I ended up back in bed. I was supposed to be on bed rest anyway, as my doctor a few weeks before had prescribed it due to the pain. The two weeks passed, slowly but surely. The 24th of November came, I went for the second scan, I looked at the screen, and without the woman saying a word I knew it was the end, my baby was dead inside me. The woman finally said that she is sorry, she cannot find a heartbeat my baby has passed, she asked me to wait in a private room for a midwife. I waited, and I waited for what felt like an eternity. She finally came, she was a lovely woman, she was so caring, kind and supported, she went through my options with me and I chose a D&C, she said someone would contact me with an appointment shortly. I went home and broke the news to my family and friends, they was all amazing with their support and kind words. But it didn't change anything, I was walking around with my dead baby inside of me. It felt like weeks for someone to contact me about the D&C I'd be having, but in fact it was only a few days, I was now booked in to have the surgery on the 2nd of December, my parents came to stay with me while this was going on, the night before my procedure, me and my mum decided to go to bingo, when we was there I began to bleed, this was it, time to say goodbye, every time I went to the toilet I put a plastic cup under me, my baby was not going out of this world down a toilet. But my baby didn't pass, I still had to go into hospital the next day and have the D&C, when I got to the hospital time seemed to drag, had the clock stopped? Eventually I was taken down for the surgery, I began to cry, but this was due to my fear of operations. When the doctor asked me to confirm what my surgery was for, my words were "you're about to suck my baby out of me" and then I was under. I came around in the recovery room and I only had two questions "was it successful? and what happens to my baby now?" I went back to the ward and I began to cry but again I didn't cry because of my baby, I cried because of the pain I was in. I was given pain relief and I asked if I cold go for a cigarette, I was allowed. I went for the cigarette and then came back to the ward, within about half hour I was allowed to go home. I got home, and I laid on the sofa, just watching the time go by. The pain was unbearable so I took more and more pain killers, after days of being like this I went to see my GP and was given stronger pain killers and told to come back in a week if it was still bad. The week passed, the pain was worse and so was the bleeding, I went back to the GP and they arranged for a scan to be done to make sure no infections were in my womb and to make sure nothing was left behind. I went to the hospital and sat there for an agonizing 10 hours, swabs were done and so were scans. Everything was fine, so why was I in this pain? I had no answers. Then I woke up one morning and the bleeding had stopped, but the pain was still there, hours later the bleeding started again, then it stopped, started, stopped - Was it ever going to stop? I then received a call to say that they would be holding my baby's cremation in January 2016, they gave me the time and date and asked if I'd be there, I said I would be. But the day drew nearer and nearer and I couldn't bring myself to go. I told my partner to go but he didn't want to go and leave me alone. The day came and went, so I didn't say goodbye. The bleeding had stopped, and had been gone for days, but I was still in pain, I couldn't do anything, it was a struggle to get out of bed, I had no energy or motivation to do anything, then came the shocker, I was pregnant again!! I was petrified, was this going to happen again? Fortunately I am not 14 weeks pregnant and have had no problems, touch wood there will not be either. 

So in all of this, I haven't grieved the loss of our baby, and I blame myself for losing Squiggly, due to the awful things I said, I get told it wasn't my fault, no-one is to blame, these things happen. But why did they happen? That was something no-one could give me an answer to. Along with my question, why can I not grieve the loss of my angel?