The first time I tell my story.
I want to start by saying that writing a journal entry for everybody to see is causing me some anxiety. I am trembling and doubting myself and horrified of what you readers might think of me. The thing is that I have extreme problems with anything social. I have a social phobia that I was diagnosed with as a teenager, and can at times completely control my life. However I know that if I am to overcome this I need to push myself (gently) and let my voice be heard. Here's my story:
The origin of my social awkwardness is unknown. I was bullied in high school but I feel that was just a contribution to my problem rather than the start of it. It might come from my mother, who has a few mental illnesses like PTSD and Agoraphobia. But it wasn't till high school that I really started to hide from people. It was very difficult, rumors were spread that I was having sex with random people in the school field, condoms filled with cottage cheese and eggs were thrown at my house, almost daily I received threats to be killed. I was bullied so badly that I almost got the police involved and I used to hide in bathroom stalls for lunch time. If I forgot to pack a lunch, there was no way I would allow myself to go to the cafeteria to buy myself something, so I just wouldn't eat that day. Once my mother found out, she would pick me up for lunch everyday so that I wouldn't be alone, eventually I changed schools all together. The bullying didn't stop though, I was just taken out of one problem and put in another. My "disappearance" however caused the bully's to forget about me in my first school so I was able to go back as sort of a ghost and finish high school.
The whole experience of high school left me to not trust anybody, I couldn't make or keep friends. The few friends I had were separating themselves from me slowly, they weren't able to handle my strange behavior. I resented my friends for not being more supportive, but now I know that it was too much to ask of them to act as my psychologist.
I was desperate for friends, so I found a group of people that were heavily abusing drugs and alcohol. (I started to abuse alcohol myself) They were rude and constantly pursuing me. They took advantage of me in anyway I let them and were completely counter productive in my recovery. It wasn't till I traveled to the country that my parents were born in, till I realized that I am actually worth something. That's where I met my current boyfriend.
My boyfriend is incredible. He compliments me, he reminds me of how much he loves me and how worthy I am of love. He treats my like a queen, he's supportive of all my decisions, he doesn't at all understand how my mind works and why I am so strange when it comes to the public,(which is perfectly fine) but he trusts me and respects me and never ever makes me do anything I'm uncomfortable with, at the same time he encourages me to heal and take baby steps. He is the person I prayed for and as of now I've been with him for 4 and a half years.
After some contemplation, I decided to move to Paraguay. The whole new culture was the shock I needed to have a life and trust people again. Things started changing for me. I became more in touch with my faith. I prayed a lot. I studied. I read. I became an ESL teacher, I started dance class.
I should mention though that being in a new country poses problems of it's own. There is a lot of narrow minded thinking, a very strict tradition, and the religion is quite different. Though these problems aren't in the way of my recovery, more as regular life obstacles.
I really felt like I needed to tell somebody the truth about me to perhaps prove to myself that I am getting better or to seek some helpful and encouraging advice. And though the idea of this journal entry terrified me at first, after writing everything out, I now feel like I can hit save and let my healing continue.
The origin of my social awkwardness is unknown. I was bullied in high school but I feel that was just a contribution to my problem rather than the start of it. It might come from my mother, who has a few mental illnesses like PTSD and Agoraphobia. But it wasn't till high school that I really started to hide from people. It was very difficult, rumors were spread that I was having sex with random people in the school field, condoms filled with cottage cheese and eggs were thrown at my house, almost daily I received threats to be killed. I was bullied so badly that I almost got the police involved and I used to hide in bathroom stalls for lunch time. If I forgot to pack a lunch, there was no way I would allow myself to go to the cafeteria to buy myself something, so I just wouldn't eat that day. Once my mother found out, she would pick me up for lunch everyday so that I wouldn't be alone, eventually I changed schools all together. The bullying didn't stop though, I was just taken out of one problem and put in another. My "disappearance" however caused the bully's to forget about me in my first school so I was able to go back as sort of a ghost and finish high school.
The whole experience of high school left me to not trust anybody, I couldn't make or keep friends. The few friends I had were separating themselves from me slowly, they weren't able to handle my strange behavior. I resented my friends for not being more supportive, but now I know that it was too much to ask of them to act as my psychologist.
I was desperate for friends, so I found a group of people that were heavily abusing drugs and alcohol. (I started to abuse alcohol myself) They were rude and constantly pursuing me. They took advantage of me in anyway I let them and were completely counter productive in my recovery. It wasn't till I traveled to the country that my parents were born in, till I realized that I am actually worth something. That's where I met my current boyfriend.
My boyfriend is incredible. He compliments me, he reminds me of how much he loves me and how worthy I am of love. He treats my like a queen, he's supportive of all my decisions, he doesn't at all understand how my mind works and why I am so strange when it comes to the public,(which is perfectly fine) but he trusts me and respects me and never ever makes me do anything I'm uncomfortable with, at the same time he encourages me to heal and take baby steps. He is the person I prayed for and as of now I've been with him for 4 and a half years.
After some contemplation, I decided to move to Paraguay. The whole new culture was the shock I needed to have a life and trust people again. Things started changing for me. I became more in touch with my faith. I prayed a lot. I studied. I read. I became an ESL teacher, I started dance class.
I should mention though that being in a new country poses problems of it's own. There is a lot of narrow minded thinking, a very strict tradition, and the religion is quite different. Though these problems aren't in the way of my recovery, more as regular life obstacles.
I really felt like I needed to tell somebody the truth about me to perhaps prove to myself that I am getting better or to seek some helpful and encouraging advice. And though the idea of this journal entry terrified me at first, after writing everything out, I now feel like I can hit save and let my healing continue.
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