The First Step

At 30 years old, I still feel like a teenager, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and how to be able to stand on my own two feet. I feel as if I'm caught in an endless cycle, one which I can't escape.  I am my own worst enemy.  Anytime that an opportunity presents itself to me, I somehow mess it up.  If I get close to being back on my feet, I do something to drop myself back down.  I don't understand why I always do this, and I wish I could figure out how to stop myself from doing it.  I have done so many things that I am ashamed of, I've lied and stolen from my friends and loved ones, and have lost many of those friends in the process.  I withdraw into my own head and hide from the world, and I'm not even sure why.  I desire to have friends, be social, have a family, but I've never been a social butterfly.  So I stay home, read books so that I can forget my life and live vicariously through the stories that I become so fully engrossed in. I just wish that I could find someone who understands my special brand of crazy and can help me down the path of figuring out where to go next, in order to have the life that I so desire.