The First Journal of the New Year should not be sad.....

or angry, but it is.  I'm actually frustrated.  I wanted some sort of sappy, positive entry today since it is January 1, 2010.  However, what I'm feeling is much different.  I had a disagreement with my DH 15 minutes before the ball dropped last night and talk about killing my mojo.  At first, all day, honestly, I felt ambivalent about starting the New Year.  I don't know what its going to bring and I was searching inside for some hope and faith about what we can do about our baby situation.  Its 8 weeks and 3 days since my surgery and no sign of my period.I need to call my doctor and tell him, but I'm so nervous about doing it, that I have not called.  My hot flashes have subsided some, but I still get them at least 3-4 times per day.  I know its the sign of a poorly working remaining ovary.  I am trying to be hopeful, yet realistic.  I want to be a parent so badly, I don't know what to do anymore.Anyway, this argument was so stupid.  I realized that we have an argument every New Year's Eve since we moved to this house and its always on the same frikkin' subject.  Quite frankly, I'm so sick of it.  I'm sick of it and I just want to pound someone or something.We talked about it enough just to "get through" Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, but honestly, I might as well have slept through the entire frikkin' ball dropping.He was being inconsiderate and tried to blow me off by giving me a bullsh*t answer and that's what really set me off.He's trying to make up with me this morning and all I want to do is kick him in the balls and make him pay for the shi**y New Year's I'm currently having.Yes, I know that I should get over it.  I'm trying, but dammit, I really wanted to go into the new year with a sense of unity, hope and faith.  Like...yes...this is going to happen.  Just good "Juju" all around.  I can't believe I've started January 1, 2010 with bad juju and a bad attitude.I'm sitting here typing this while he's on his laptop and I swear I want to put a sledgehammer through it.  I am completely irrational right now, but I am sooooooo mad.  I'm pissed and I'm tired and pissed.  I can't seem to get this anger out, so I'm trying to do that through this journal.  Right now, not helping too much since he's on his laptop and watching the football game.  Where is Tonya Harding's crew when you need them.And mind you, this is not me to have these violent, irrational and angry thoughts, but I'm full of them today.  So here it is.  Happy Frikkin' New Year. F*&k!And then to top things off, my dragonfly pin lost a wing.  What the hell does that symbolize now?  That I have to wait another year?  It can't be that I'm going to lose an ovary, because that's already happened.*Sigh*.I'm currently wearing my new lucky Kokopelli and really hope that this will help with the fertility.I will wear, eat, drink anything that would help with the fertility.I didn't even make a list of resolutions.