the first entry

I don't know if anyone actually reads these or will read these at any point in the future, but i figured it would help to get my thoughts into words. So many things have happened to me over the past few years. I haven't written any journal entries here since I joined the site (in 2010 i think). I've had relationships manifest then deteriorate and friendships come into being then fade into oblivion. So in essence, things have remained exactly the same. The events in my life are all cyclical. There is no permanence, except for the reality of loneliness and despair. It's like a car engine that won't start. The spark will be there and for a moment I think things are going to be ok, but it always ends up going back down into the same miserable grind. It's an endless muck that I can't pull myself out of. I'm 30 years old, and honestly I don't see myself making it to 35. If someone asks me where I'm going to be in 5 years, my honest answer would probably be "in the dirt." Maybe I'll write more about this in greater detail in the future.