The First Day in Thirteen Years That I Didn\'t Start the first day of school

Today is the first day in thirteen years that I did not start the first day of school.  I am sad and at the same time hopeful, because I know that I am getting better and I will be back in a classroom someday.  I walked into my youngest's classroom 2 times today and I did not have a panic attach.  Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me say it again.Yeah!!!!!!!!!!  I thought for sure that I couldn't do it.  There was just something about her school that felt so comfortable to me.  Maybe I felt comfortable too because I saw one of my former coworkers today and she was so unhappy to be at my youngest's school, that made me feel better.  I even walked into the drugstore today and looked at teacher name tags, name labels for the desks, and school supplies.  I didn't buy anything, however, just the fact that I was looking at the teacher stuff made me feel good.  I picked up my lidoderm patches today from Walgreens.  The bag was as big as a grocery bag from the grocery store.  The pharamists eyes even got really big when she saw the bag.  She said that it was only one months supply of the medicine.  My eyes popped out of my head.  There are ninety patches in this bag in 3 huge boxes.  I carried out the bag and I felt like I had gone grocery shopping.  I thought it was very funny and at the same time sad.  I don't want to be on this medication for the rest of my life for the fibro that happened as a result from the fall on school property.  I am really nervous about my surgery on the 10th.  It is in a week.  I still feel that something is going to happen during the surgery.  My left ovary today right now, hurts so bad.  I wish I could have the surgery right now.  I saw my grandparents for the last time this year.  They are both older in their 80's.  I always think that they are going to croak when they get back home.  Yesterday was the first time I didn't cry when I left seeing them.  Sure I am sad that they are going.  Yet at the same time, I am comforted that they are going.  My husband was a jerk again last night.  He is home all the way until Thursday.  I am going to avoid him like the plague.  He bought things with out my approval for a lot of money when he said that he was just going out to price these things.  He had his daughter call me instead of him calling me.  I am kind of in shock right now.  I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  My husband hates all my friends, and especially he hates my therapist.  He cuts me down 24-7.  I asked him the other day if he is bipolar and he said no.  Why is he treating me like this?  Why won't he support me?  I don't want him at my surgery.  I hope to God if I die next Wednesday during surgery and not wake up, that my daughter is taken care of by an angel.  I love her so much.  Please say a prayer that her mommy is going to be okay.  I think my doctor is going to assist with the surgery.  The nurses are trying to free up his schedule.  I hate my husband for what he is doing to me.  Help me please.  I can't go through a separation, surgery and try to get back to work all at the same time.  I don't think that I am strong enough right now.