The First Day
My late husband had been telling me for the past several years that if anything happened to him that I should look to his cousins for help. We were never blessed with children, so it was just the two of us, and his parents had both passed away. (Even though one of his brothers lives just across the road and the other a mile and a half away) This was because the one brother is a long haul trucker and is gone a lot and even though we get along is not exactly a supportive person. And the other brother and I do not "see eye to eye" to the extent that at one time I had to threaten him at gunpoint. Another LONG story.
So when I came home from work on that Saterday morning and found Alan not breathing, after I called my pastor who it turned out was stranded 150 miles away because of bad winterroads, I called my husbands cousins. I actually did not even think about calling an ambulance because I knew he was dead. I have EMT training and knew that they could do nothing for him, although in my panic I tried mouth to mouth.
I did call the ambulance at the insistance of my pastors wife, and they got there barely before the cousins. These two men were a tremendous support. Through the events that followed they reassured me that I would always be part of the family, which was really wonderful because I love their side of the family!
There are some really nice things about living in a small town, especially when you have been there as long as we have, I knew someone on the ambulance crew, and the coroner (who was just a sherriff's deputy) was also someone I knew and liked.
Everyone was very kind. My husband's cousin's wife met us in town as we followed the ambulance toward the hospital. We never did make it to the hospital, a paramedic met the ambulance and "pronounced him" as they called it. So the ambulance turned around and went back to the ambulance barn where we all then waited for the funeral home.
Of course I was in shock, you all know what I mean! The strangest things go through your mind when the realization actually hits. Things like, "now I can paint the living room any color I want" Now where in the world does crap like that come from??? It has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING!!!!! I suppose it is our stunned, overloaded brain's way of coping. I really don't know, I just know that stupid things popped into my head and out of my mouth.
After the initial things were dealt with, my cousin and his wife took me back to my place where I started making some calls, I also took care of the critters and then they took me back to their house, where we made more phone calls. They supplied me with lots of tissues, lots of hugs and some tears of their own, and a tremendous amount of support, love, and strength. Also food, tea, coffee, whatever I needed.
They tried to insist that I spend the night at their house, but we had an inside dog and cat which needed my attention and I felt the need to be at home. At least there I would be surrounded by "our" life together.
I actually changed the sheets on the bed, because we all know what happens to the human body when it ceases to "live", and then crawled into it, into the very spot where my dear one had died!
I am not sure why it was important for me to do that, but for some reason I needed to. And although I had obviously cried much already that day, here is where the body wracking sobs began!!!! You all know the kind I mean, not just a few tears running down your face, but the whole body is involved in THESE tears!! You feel like your very soul is being strangled!
At some point, not really sure that it was the first day, probably it was the second, but it was in the same spot on the bed where I was laying there screaming out to God that "I CAN'T DO THIS" meaning of course that I cannot live without Alan, that I cannot endure this unbearable pain of losing him, etc etc etc. When I felt the Lord speaking to me in my heart. What He said was "You are right, YOU can't do this, but WE can", well the pain was still there, but mixed in was a glimpse of unexplainable peace.
God was reassuring me that even though it "seemed" like I was alone, I wasn't. He would be with me EVERY step of the way. And He has been.
So when I came home from work on that Saterday morning and found Alan not breathing, after I called my pastor who it turned out was stranded 150 miles away because of bad winterroads, I called my husbands cousins. I actually did not even think about calling an ambulance because I knew he was dead. I have EMT training and knew that they could do nothing for him, although in my panic I tried mouth to mouth.
I did call the ambulance at the insistance of my pastors wife, and they got there barely before the cousins. These two men were a tremendous support. Through the events that followed they reassured me that I would always be part of the family, which was really wonderful because I love their side of the family!
There are some really nice things about living in a small town, especially when you have been there as long as we have, I knew someone on the ambulance crew, and the coroner (who was just a sherriff's deputy) was also someone I knew and liked.
Everyone was very kind. My husband's cousin's wife met us in town as we followed the ambulance toward the hospital. We never did make it to the hospital, a paramedic met the ambulance and "pronounced him" as they called it. So the ambulance turned around and went back to the ambulance barn where we all then waited for the funeral home.
Of course I was in shock, you all know what I mean! The strangest things go through your mind when the realization actually hits. Things like, "now I can paint the living room any color I want" Now where in the world does crap like that come from??? It has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING!!!!! I suppose it is our stunned, overloaded brain's way of coping. I really don't know, I just know that stupid things popped into my head and out of my mouth.
After the initial things were dealt with, my cousin and his wife took me back to my place where I started making some calls, I also took care of the critters and then they took me back to their house, where we made more phone calls. They supplied me with lots of tissues, lots of hugs and some tears of their own, and a tremendous amount of support, love, and strength. Also food, tea, coffee, whatever I needed.
They tried to insist that I spend the night at their house, but we had an inside dog and cat which needed my attention and I felt the need to be at home. At least there I would be surrounded by "our" life together.
I actually changed the sheets on the bed, because we all know what happens to the human body when it ceases to "live", and then crawled into it, into the very spot where my dear one had died!
I am not sure why it was important for me to do that, but for some reason I needed to. And although I had obviously cried much already that day, here is where the body wracking sobs began!!!! You all know the kind I mean, not just a few tears running down your face, but the whole body is involved in THESE tears!! You feel like your very soul is being strangled!
At some point, not really sure that it was the first day, probably it was the second, but it was in the same spot on the bed where I was laying there screaming out to God that "I CAN'T DO THIS" meaning of course that I cannot live without Alan, that I cannot endure this unbearable pain of losing him, etc etc etc. When I felt the Lord speaking to me in my heart. What He said was "You are right, YOU can't do this, but WE can", well the pain was still there, but mixed in was a glimpse of unexplainable peace.
God was reassuring me that even though it "seemed" like I was alone, I wasn't. He would be with me EVERY step of the way. And He has been.
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