THE FIRST 3 YEARS WITHOUT MY ANGEL \"RYAN\"
The 1st year was the worst, I was trying to change things... thinking....(if I only, the Why, why , why's) everything was going around and around and around in my head, I exhausted myself to the point, that the 2nd year seemed harder... I couldn't work anymore, I fell into a state of depression, I was under the Doctor's care for Major Depression, I lost every bit of energy, that was left in me, all I wanted to do is sleep, everyone else was carrying on with their own life, and they thought, I should be over him by now...... So maybe thats why the 2nd year was harder for me?? Plus I was having problems with my daughter, so I was fighting for my life, my daughters life, and trying to figure out how to bring my Son back, so we all can be back to normal....Soooo... The 3rd anniversary is coming up in April... Now I know our life will never be normal, and we will never have Ryan back (physically)... Soooo, I had to let go of Ryan, to save my daughter and I from drowning...Soooo I hate to say it, but it took me 3 years to come toooo...the fact that I have to swim or sink, and know... I still have a daughter to live for...I couldn't see anything, but my Son for the longest time, I thought I was going NUTS, and so did everyone else...But remember everyone is different, I'm a single Mom, with a 17 year old daughter who is putting me through the (Mill)so to speak... I can't work my job anymore (Hair salon for 30 years) so I haven't worked for a year now, all my bills built up, car repossed, credit/card debt, and beyond repair, so now I'm putting humpty dumpty back together again.. If thats possible..bankruptcy, trying to stay sober, which I have had a problem with, in the past... I think what saved me, is that, I had been sober through my kids teenage years...3 years before Ryan's passing, I had a strong foundation, I prayed alot, life was good, (so I thought) until after the fact that Ryan wasn't with us anymore, I stopped praying, I turned my back on God, I started to take to many Xannie's, which made things worst... Now no more xannie's for me, unless someone pisses me off, and I have a temper tantrum, and I tell them to go (((F))) themselves...So now I'm feeling bad about myself and I'm sitting on the Pity Pot, Pour me Pour me, Pour me another drink,HAHA(only in the past for a drink, but Xannie's are just a pill form of a drink)... but (it's) getting better... (it's) ME.. it is me that is getting better, I found, I turned my back on God, He was always their with me, He's been giving me signs all along... That the Big Picture is that, it was Ryan's time to go, and the signs said, Ryan is OK with it, and its time to FEEL, DEAL, AND HEAL... And it's OK to Hate my life Right now, the only thing that makes me happy, is when things are going good with my daughter Erica & I...I Pray All the time now for Ryan to please watch over his Sister, and Please give her a chance at life, and give her a husband who can take care of her, soooo when it's my time to go... take me quick, and Pull me up as HIGH as we can go, into the Spirit World, B/C I'am Ready!!! BUT in reality, I LOVE my daughter so much, I want to stay with her as long as I can, and have the same connection with her, as I did with Ryan...I loved my kids so much, I'm torn between LIFE & DEATH... How sad is that??? It will get better, and it is ME.... Love, Kelly
Replies
you said everything i feel . it is truly a walk within both worlds, being part of both worlds, being part of our children\'s world in this 3 dimensional existence and where our children are in spirit...sending you love today and understanding..marianne, joeys mom
\"Feel, deal, and heal\"....I like that. That\'s where I am too. Truly trying to be fully involved in this physical existance, and yet very ready to leave it behind for the next, better, existance with Kala. But I think even to be there, I\'d be living between the two, because my son would be here. I think we\'re all more connected than most realize. I\'m still having a hard time with God, still so unsure of \"him\". I\'m looking more to the spiritual than ever before. I\'ve just decided that as long as I have to be here anyway, I might as well do it the best I can. Big hugs, Teri.
Here\'s a little something for you... something to ponder...
Footprints In The Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking
Along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints.
Other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed that
During the low periods of my life when I was
Suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
So I said to the Lord, \"You promised me,
Lord, that if I followed You,
You would walk with me always.
But I noticed that during the most trying periods
Of my life there have only been
One set of prints in the sand.
Why, When I have needed You most,
You have not been there for me?\"
The Lord replied,
\"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints
Is when I carried you.\"
I love it, I love it, I have that somewhere, I want to make a picture with that poem on it...Thanks for reminding me!! XOXO Kelly
Good for you...it IS our choice...to live or exist...choose life! Love to you...Karen
In my hand written journal, I wrote that \"if I want to die to be with Michael, shouldn\'t I want to live to be with Jason?\". So I know what you mean about torn between life and death. My son has been dead only 11 weeks and I alternate between thinking of some way to want to live for Jason or thinking of some way to die without hurting him. I suppose it is the pain I seek to escape...the moments when I feel like I am truly losing my mind, the desire to escape all the laughing happy people whose lives have moved right along (all the while some of them telling me \"I know exactly how you feel\")...Each day that passes is, to me, one day closer to going wherever Michael.
The second year is harder for me too. I was so numb for the first yesr. I guess that was a coping skill. I plan for the third year to be better.
Love & hugs
Colleen
Second year is torture. You said it all. Coming up on the second angel date March 25. I am proud of you for making up your mind to try. Hoping the 3rd year bring you peace. Love, Lucille
Kelly, I have lost both of my sons. I also found the second year harder. I am just begining the second year of my oldest sons death. My youngest died in 2003, and I did get better, but when my other son died I felt at a total empty dark place. It has improved some. It is never going to be the same, but we just force ourselves to take a baby step when we can. I understand and Love you Peggy
Kelly Each of these entries helped me. I am so new to the grief that my own feelings scare me. I want to die to be with Nick and I want to live to be with my daughter. I feel so aweful that I am having to choose between my two children. Reading your journal made me feel like you were writing my story of now and what is to come. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.