THE FIRST 3 YEARS WITHOUT MY ANGEL \"RYAN\"

 The 1st year was the worst, I was trying to change things... thinking....(if I only, the Why, why , why's) everything was going around and around and around in my head, I exhausted myself to the point, that the 2nd year seemed harder... I couldn't work anymore, I fell into a state of depression, I was under the Doctor's care for Major Depression, I lost every bit of energy, that was left in me, all I wanted to do is sleep, everyone else was carrying on with their own life, and they thought, I should be over him by now...... So maybe thats why the 2nd year was harder for me?? Plus I was having problems with my daughter, so I was fighting for my life, my daughters life, and trying to figure out how to bring my Son back, so we all can be back to normal....Soooo... The 3rd anniversary is coming up in April... Now I know our life will never be normal, and we will never have Ryan back (physically)... Soooo, I had to let go of Ryan, to save my daughter and I from drowning...Soooo I hate to say it, but it took me 3 years to come toooo...the fact that I have to swim or sink, and know... I still have a daughter to live for...I couldn't see anything, but my Son for the longest time, I thought I was going NUTS, and so did everyone else...But remember everyone is different, I'm a single Mom, with a 17 year old daughter who is putting me through the (Mill)so to speak... I can't work my job anymore (Hair salon for 30 years) so I haven't worked for a year now, all my bills built up, car repossed, credit/card debt, and beyond repair, so now I'm putting humpty dumpty back together again.. If thats possible..bankruptcy, trying to stay sober, which I have had a problem with, in the past... I think what saved me, is that, I had been sober through my kids teenage years...3 years before Ryan's passing, I had a strong foundation, I prayed alot, life was good, (so I thought) until after the fact that Ryan wasn't with us anymore, I stopped praying, I turned my back on God, I started to take to many Xannie's, which made things worst... Now no more xannie's for me, unless someone pisses me off, and I have a temper tantrum, and I tell them to go (((F))) themselves...So now I'm feeling bad about myself and I'm sitting on the Pity Pot, Pour me Pour me, Pour me another drink,HAHA(only in the past for a drink, but Xannie's are just a pill form of a drink)... but (it's) getting better... (it's) ME.. it is me that is getting better, I found, I turned my back on God, He was always their with me, He's been giving me signs all along... That the Big Picture is that, it was Ryan's time to go, and the signs said, Ryan is OK with it, and its time to FEEL, DEAL, AND HEAL... And it's OK to Hate my life Right now, the only thing that makes me happy, is when things are going good with my daughter Erica & I...I Pray All the time now for Ryan to please watch over his Sister, and Please give her a chance at life, and give her a husband who can take care of her, soooo when it's my time to go... take me quick, and Pull me up as HIGH as we can go, into the Spirit World, B/C I'am Ready!!! BUT in reality, I LOVE my daughter so much, I want to stay with her as long as I can, and have the same connection with her, as I did with Ryan...I loved my kids so much, I'm torn between LIFE & DEATH... How sad is that??? It will get better, and it is ME.... Love, Kelly