The Finer Things Keep Shining Through

Hello dear Moms,
I'm well. I think about you all, all the time. Seriously. How are you? How is your heart, how are your eyes, how are your feet? Where has your soul been spending most of its time?
I'm in the pathway approaching the 4th anniversary of losing Andy, May 19th. I had an MRI on my knee in the same building where he had his last MRI the month before he died, (brain cancer, to refresh your memory... so many kids to keep track of, right?) and of course it created a flood of feelings. 
Grief seems like a boulder that at first can barely be borne, can only be carried a couple of steps before collapsing, or stopping to sob in grief and pain. In time though, I have grown stronger muscles to carry that heavy load. It is not that the grief is lighter... but that I am stronger.  I know we each have our own visualization and way to explain this and just thought I would share mine in case it gives someone a little hope. We cry and ask: "How do I do this? I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't connect to people who love me and whom I love... Will it ever stop hurting so much?" For me, the answer is, "No, BUT with love and support and in time, you will grow stronger and the grief will be something you carry deep within you instead of a crushing load you have to hold with your arms."
I would also say that it is transforming. Who could be the same after such devastation? I am a different person, on a molecular level. I see differently, connect and reach out differently, make plans differently. I have even given notice at my current job (landscape architect) where I have been since 1987 (!!!) and am stepping into the foggy unknown next January. I hope to find a way to offer support to people like us who have been crushed and want to find a way back to some equilibrium, in their new lives, their transformed lives. 
My aunt whose son Edward died in his 20s in a freak bus accident told me many years ago, way before my own loss, that grief is terrible and powerful AND that it comes bearing gifts. They do not compensate for the loss of the beloved, but here they are. Would you turn them away? Would your beloved want you to do that, to be so angry and broken that you would reject love or support or connection or the possibility that you could make the world a better place? I know Andy would want me to rock and roll and give my best. I am singing, I am rescuing dogs, I am planting strawberries, I am helping my very elder parents, I am standing up for fair play... I am like Andy's Secret Agent in the world.
Last year I talked about how Grief is Justice. Grief is also simply love, and the more ways I can express my love for Andy, the better things get, and the less painful it is to carry my grief. It's simply who I am and how I'm living. The more gratitude I find for the goodness of the Universe, the crazy crashing Universe, the more Andy is with me. The Finer Things keep SHINING THROUGH!!!
So I will close for today by thanking all of YOU for being here, for being real, for having helped me SO much on this transforming journey. I love you all.Here's a song for the moms: 
"The Finer Things"
While there is timeLet's go out and feel everythingIf you hold meI will let you into my dreamFor time is a river rolling into nowhereWe must live while we canAnd we'll drink our cup of laughterThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could beOh, I've been sadAnd have walked bitter streets aloneAnd come morningThere's a good wind to blow me homeSo time is a river rolling into nowhereI will live while I canI will have my ever afterThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could beWe go so fast, why don't we make it lastLife is glowing inside you and mePlease take my hand, here where I standWon't you come out and dance with meCome see, with me, come seeAnd lovers try'Til they get the best of the nightAnd come morningThey are tangled up in the lightSo time be a river rolling into nowhereThey love while they canAnd they think about the night so sweetThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could be