The Finer Things Keep Shining Through
Hello dear Moms,
I'm well. I think about you all, all the time. Seriously. How are you? How is your heart, how are your eyes, how are your feet? Where has your soul been spending most of its time?
I'm in the pathway approaching the 4th anniversary of losing Andy, May 19th. I had an MRI on my knee in the same building where he had his last MRI the month before he died, (brain cancer, to refresh your memory... so many kids to keep track of, right?) and of course it created a flood of feelings.
Grief seems like a boulder that at first can barely be borne, can only be carried a couple of steps before collapsing, or stopping to sob in grief and pain. In time though, I have grown stronger muscles to carry that heavy load. It is not that the grief is lighter... but that I am stronger. I know we each have our own visualization and way to explain this and just thought I would share mine in case it gives someone a little hope. We cry and ask: "How do I do this? I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't connect to people who love me and whom I love... Will it ever stop hurting so much?" For me, the answer is, "No, BUT with love and support and in time, you will grow stronger and the grief will be something you carry deep within you instead of a crushing load you have to hold with your arms."
I would also say that it is transforming. Who could be the same after such devastation? I am a different person, on a molecular level. I see differently, connect and reach out differently, make plans differently. I have even given notice at my current job (landscape architect) where I have been since 1987 (!!!) and am stepping into the foggy unknown next January. I hope to find a way to offer support to people like us who have been crushed and want to find a way back to some equilibrium, in their new lives, their transformed lives.
My aunt whose son Edward died in his 20s in a freak bus accident told me many years ago, way before my own loss, that grief is terrible and powerful AND that it comes bearing gifts. They do not compensate for the loss of the beloved, but here they are. Would you turn them away? Would your beloved want you to do that, to be so angry and broken that you would reject love or support or connection or the possibility that you could make the world a better place? I know Andy would want me to rock and roll and give my best. I am singing, I am rescuing dogs, I am planting strawberries, I am helping my very elder parents, I am standing up for fair play... I am like Andy's Secret Agent in the world.
Last year I talked about how Grief is Justice. Grief is also simply love, and the more ways I can express my love for Andy, the better things get, and the less painful it is to carry my grief. It's simply who I am and how I'm living. The more gratitude I find for the goodness of the Universe, the crazy crashing Universe, the more Andy is with me. The Finer Things keep SHINING THROUGH!!!
So I will close for today by thanking all of YOU for being here, for being real, for having helped me SO much on this transforming journey. I love you all.Here's a song for the moms:
"The Finer Things"
While there is timeLet's go out and feel everythingIf you hold meI will let you into my dreamFor time is a river rolling into nowhereWe must live while we canAnd we'll drink our cup of laughterThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could beOh, I've been sadAnd have walked bitter streets aloneAnd come morningThere's a good wind to blow me homeSo time is a river rolling into nowhereI will live while I canI will have my ever afterThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could beWe go so fast, why don't we make it lastLife is glowing inside you and mePlease take my hand, here where I standWon't you come out and dance with meCome see, with me, come seeAnd lovers try'Til they get the best of the nightAnd come morningThey are tangled up in the lightSo time be a river rolling into nowhereThey love while they canAnd they think about the night so sweetThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could be
I'm well. I think about you all, all the time. Seriously. How are you? How is your heart, how are your eyes, how are your feet? Where has your soul been spending most of its time?
I'm in the pathway approaching the 4th anniversary of losing Andy, May 19th. I had an MRI on my knee in the same building where he had his last MRI the month before he died, (brain cancer, to refresh your memory... so many kids to keep track of, right?) and of course it created a flood of feelings.
Grief seems like a boulder that at first can barely be borne, can only be carried a couple of steps before collapsing, or stopping to sob in grief and pain. In time though, I have grown stronger muscles to carry that heavy load. It is not that the grief is lighter... but that I am stronger. I know we each have our own visualization and way to explain this and just thought I would share mine in case it gives someone a little hope. We cry and ask: "How do I do this? I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't connect to people who love me and whom I love... Will it ever stop hurting so much?" For me, the answer is, "No, BUT with love and support and in time, you will grow stronger and the grief will be something you carry deep within you instead of a crushing load you have to hold with your arms."
I would also say that it is transforming. Who could be the same after such devastation? I am a different person, on a molecular level. I see differently, connect and reach out differently, make plans differently. I have even given notice at my current job (landscape architect) where I have been since 1987 (!!!) and am stepping into the foggy unknown next January. I hope to find a way to offer support to people like us who have been crushed and want to find a way back to some equilibrium, in their new lives, their transformed lives.
My aunt whose son Edward died in his 20s in a freak bus accident told me many years ago, way before my own loss, that grief is terrible and powerful AND that it comes bearing gifts. They do not compensate for the loss of the beloved, but here they are. Would you turn them away? Would your beloved want you to do that, to be so angry and broken that you would reject love or support or connection or the possibility that you could make the world a better place? I know Andy would want me to rock and roll and give my best. I am singing, I am rescuing dogs, I am planting strawberries, I am helping my very elder parents, I am standing up for fair play... I am like Andy's Secret Agent in the world.
Last year I talked about how Grief is Justice. Grief is also simply love, and the more ways I can express my love for Andy, the better things get, and the less painful it is to carry my grief. It's simply who I am and how I'm living. The more gratitude I find for the goodness of the Universe, the crazy crashing Universe, the more Andy is with me. The Finer Things keep SHINING THROUGH!!!
So I will close for today by thanking all of YOU for being here, for being real, for having helped me SO much on this transforming journey. I love you all.Here's a song for the moms:
"The Finer Things"
While there is timeLet's go out and feel everythingIf you hold meI will let you into my dreamFor time is a river rolling into nowhereWe must live while we canAnd we'll drink our cup of laughterThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could beOh, I've been sadAnd have walked bitter streets aloneAnd come morningThere's a good wind to blow me homeSo time is a river rolling into nowhereI will live while I canI will have my ever afterThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could beWe go so fast, why don't we make it lastLife is glowing inside you and mePlease take my hand, here where I standWon't you come out and dance with meCome see, with me, come seeAnd lovers try'Til they get the best of the nightAnd come morningThey are tangled up in the lightSo time be a river rolling into nowhereThey love while they canAnd they think about the night so sweetThe finer things keep shining throughThe way my soul gets lost in youThe finer things I feel in meThe golden dance life could be
Replies
I am speechless, blown away, love everything you said. Love the way you are traveling this journey, you are an inspiration for sure. Sue xo
Dear Sarah, It\'s great to read another beautiful uplifting Journal from you. I know all the Moms who read your Loving encouraging message here will feel the Love & Hope you want to share. Thank you for your Journal. I often write in a Hug Back to one of the lovely Moms on here, that I Will write a Journal soon, but I still havent, since Christmas 2012 actually. Everything you have written here is perfect & so good. I really appreciate your writing. And like you I think of all the Moms on here all the time and all the beautiful children, we have learnt of through here.
Thank you Sarah. Your message here is what we all need to hear XXXX With LOve xxxx and Always
I love this journal. The grief is not lighter, I\'ve become stronger. Well said.
Your journal has made my day a little brighter today as I approach the 6 month mark of my daughter being gone. Thank you for giving me hope. Vicki
What a powerful journal you have crafted and I adore the way your words spin a healing tapestry of grit, grace, hope and most of all love. The power that grief has to transform our lives into something positive is the gift. This is such an incredible way of looking at it that grief has not become lighter, yet I have become stronger. I have never looked at it in this way and this is one of those epic times of shifting for me as I absorb this. Thank you, Sarah!
I understand what you mean by everything feels different and is transformed now after the worst loss ever. I know that I see everything through a much softer lens and the things that used to make me a crazy person just don\'t seem to matter now. Relationships and how to connect and leave each encounter a little better than how I found it is always my hope.
Loving care and keep on rockin\' on dear Sarah and you know your noon time bunny boy, Andy, is cheering his mom on! :)
In gratitude for your words and most of all presence. Whenever you feel inspired to share please do as we are sponges here ready to absorb and it takes a village and you are a vital part of it.
Much love,
XO Joanie
Oh sweet Sarah...your words spill such wisdom and inspiration for sure. I have never thought about us becoming stronger...not that the grief is lighter. Powerful...so powerful. thank you from writing from your beautiful heart. I am excited for you and what is \"yet to come\". With your experience, your gentle heart and sweet spirit...there is no doubt that you will find just the right way to help others. Service work helps others...but also helps ones self. Love you...
P.S. 7 years for my Alex May 18th...how can it be?!?
Thank you for speaking to my heart. You brought me to some fond memories with The Finer Things. I so love you ladies! Lauri
I could not express my feelings. I am not sure I knew what I was feeling but your words could be my words. My grief is love. I can never express enough of the love I have for my Cory. With the path I follow in the actions I do, I am doing them for the love of my son. Thank you for depth and gift of words of such meaning to FMO. Bless you and Andy. May your new path for living make you stronger yet. Four years of hugs, Peggy
Thank you my sister, with all my heart. I have come to realize that this is a weight I will carry for the rest of my life. And I am beginning to understand that I have two choices: allow God\'s purpose for all of this by turning to Him and not growing, slowly, into the woman He foresaw me to be; or become terrified, live in agony, reclusive, withdraw from love because I can\'t bear one further loss. I choose to step out in faith. I pray to my Mammon Marie that she turn to her Son and ask Him for exceptional grace so I can carry this cross. I really do not have a choice, I must continue. I was prepared at age five when I had an NDE, and apparently I was born with a \"broken heart\" since my ECG has always had irregularities. She warned me about the \"broken heart\" also.
From the experience of serious religious pilgrimage since October 2012, three times to Europe, twice to Lourdes, once to Fatima, twice to sacred shrines in France, once to the grandeur of the Basilicas in Rome and a Papal audience, I have prayed my daughter to the highest level possible in God\'s presence. If this is not so, then there is no God. And now, He is teaching me to parent myself as I parented her. I pray every day to be a doorway for those who have no faith. That, I think, might be my ultimate purpose.
So happy to hear from you, you are so often in my thoughts. Especially now that I must buy a new pair of sandals! Remember our sturdy feet? Trying to get to Lake Tahoe, to the Retreat, and hoping for more healing. Yes, the grief is easier, but still very hard. Love to you and your beatiful boys, Abby
Hi Sarah, I agree. There are gifts on this journey to be had, to be accepted but of course it doesn\'t make up for the loss of our child. At the same time it is good to receive those gifts and possibly become a giver of gifts as well. Thank you for your lovely journal. I am happy to hear that you are doing some very cool things, especially love that you are rescuing dogs. I\'d love to hear more about that. Love you and miss you and always much love to Andy, Linda
Wow!! What an inspiration this journal is. I hope to be where you are, one day. Just 2 1/2 yrs. into my journey, I am still in shock and denial. It is so good to read how time really does help to ease the pain.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I too am stronger bearing this heavy grief. Planted the garden, walking the dog, going to dinner with good friends, yet the numbness is still there all the time in the backround. One foot in front of the other each day. We are lucky to have each other to help. Sending you Peace, Kathy
You always share the most inspiring, interesting, and hopeful journals!!!
YOU ROCK!
Thank you for being YOU and for allowing us to share in your journey. You ARE heartandhands for sure!!!!
LOVE YOU!
LOVE to Andy!
You are truly Andy\'s secret agent. I\'m happy to read your journal tonight and it\'s good to hear from you.
Hugs to you and dear Andy.