the fallout (warning coarse language)

He's been on T for almost three years, we've attempted Therapy but I let him control how and now we aren't going anymore, he says he doesn't have enough money for it all, yet it's only 60.00 each (I know, it's still a lot, but it could be so much more). Last night we exploded at each other, more like I exploded at him, violently (nothing seriously physical, I beat him with a pillow against his back in a fit of rage but was still able to try and not hurt him, even though I had this exploding need to hurt him physically as he's hurt me emotionally), I've never done that before, I never felt so angry, and in a state of despair as I did last night, the culmination of what's been going on brought me to a place in my head I know is dangerous, but instead of pulling away, I just submitted to the feelings. 

I swear he's bi-polar or something, we get into these spirals where everything is going well, we use the tools we've learned so far from therapy, and then it just stops. everything just stops. There's no hugging, no touching, no kissing, no hand holding, no emotional connection what so ever, and when I try to approach it, he pushes away. He pushes me away physically, he antagonizes me and gives me the cold shoulder. Yes, I know this is basically a form of abuse, why do I take it? Because I know he can be better, I've seen it, experienced it, but when this happens, it usually takes two months, this time a month and a half, it's a very long drawn out process of me getting to the point where I'm so emotionally frustrated and physically frustrated that I explode. We haven't had sex on a regular basis in who knows how long, nevermind the fact that my body is wired for BDSM, rather than just foreplay and insertion. Believe me, I've tried just doing the vanilla thing, I couldn't feel anything physically. So, during this month and a half or two months before an explosion occurs, he pulls away slowly, he stops cuddling me before bed, or he stops sitting beside me on the sofa (no big deal, he's tired after work, I get it), but then even when he's not tired it keeps happening, then he stops kissing me, no kiss goodbye, nothing (okay, maybe he's just not in an affectionate mood), but it's more than that, it keeps on and going to where there's no contact at all, and he's angry. He wants me to hurt him, he wants me to yell at him so he can continue to be the victim, he wants me to scream and yell and tell him what a terrible person he is because he hurt me like this, and he did that, and so on and so on and so on.(he admitted this last night) EXCEPT, that's not how I see it. When he starts pulling away, because of my own history of being emotionally abused (not by my mom but by others), I start thinking it's something I've done to make him pull away. I start thinking that he's not attracted to me, that there's something I must have done, or must be doing to physically repulse him. I am by no means a large person but I'm a bit chubby for my size (I'm about 150 at 5'5), so I start thinking, well maybe it's my body that repulses him, so I don't eat as much, or it's my hair (so I usually try and either cut it or stylize it differently in hopes of attracting him again), or that it's my clothes, or my voice, or all the other little things that I feel are faults with me. I feel responsible for him being unhappy, because of my own flaws, rather than this being something that's his problem and nothing to do with me, so I become incredibly self-deprecating, and mean, often resorting to self-harm (usually just punching my thighs), to make the emotional pain stop into something physical. By this time  both of us are escalating the situations, and antagonizing the other with distance and lack of communication until what happens like last night. BOOM. and then all the communication comes out, but by then there's so much hurt and anger on my end that I find it hard to sympathize with what he's going through, and to listen to his grief especially his dysmorphia, and body identity problems, that I become emotionally numb to what he has to say and so angry that it resounds for days until I can shove back into its box because I don't know how to deal with all of it. After the emotional explosion of crying and confession on his end, he starts back to being the charming person he usually is, but at this point, I'm still so angry and numb from his cold shoulder that I don't know what to do with myself, so I ignore him. (real mature right?). I don't want to break up with him because that would be ten years wasted, but at the same time, I can't keep doing this cycle just because he has a victim complex, and I don't know how to make him see that we still need therapy to work this out. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm so angry and sexually and emotionally frustrated that I feel like a volcano ready to explode again and again and again. The worst is when he doesn't respond, and he just sits there with this blank look on his face (My ex used to do that when I would try to talk to him about issues I was having), and then after this fallout, he goes back to ignoring me either with books, or the internet, or knitting instead of trying to work through this because all his burdens were cleansed as it were. FUCK.