The ever constant rollercoaster

My husband and I found out we were pregnant early September.  We were trying for another baby and were estatic when that pregnancy test read pregnant.  We were excited for our family of four to be a family of five.  Our oldest son, who is 4 almost 5, was so excited, especially since he wanted another sister even though we told him numerous times it doesn't work like that.  The first 12 weeks of this pregnancy I was so insanely sick.  I was functional but barely.  I would throw up and when I wasn't I was constantly nauseous.  We had an ultrasound at 9 weeks because the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat with a fetal dopplar.  That was scary because I had miscarried around that time between my son and daughter.  But that little baby had a heartbeat and the worry seemed to deminish as did the nausea.  We went for the 13 week ultrasound with everything looking good.  Baby was sucking its thumb with cute little legs crossed.  Heartbeat was a steady "thump thunp", which is music to any parents ears.  They printed up some pictures of the little bundle and home we went to post our pregnancy announcement to the social media world.  The days went on and I started to feel human again! I could eat and exercise.  I was so excited to be human again.  Through all this though there was always something in the back of my head that something wasn't right.  I didn't feel that my bump was big enough.  I remember asking my husband and co workers if I looked any bigger than weeks earlier.  I told myself that we had out sonogram, everything looked good, but I still felt uneasy. Having two very active babies that I felt at 13/14 weeks at 16 weeks I just kept wondering when I would feel that little zing in my belly. People at work would ask how the baby was doing and internally I'd say 'I have no idea'.  December 6th was my next monthly doctor's appointment.  I went in and told him I was feeling much better. I gained 4 pounds and all seemed pretty normal... until he went to find the heartbeat.  20 minutes later and no heartbeat later I knew.  He said it could be the position of the placenta, but from the sonogram I knew it was on my right and I knew I should feel baby on the left.  He scheduled a sonogram for the next day.  The following hours were horrific I cried all the way home.  I was up half the night.  I googled miscarriage at 17 weeks.  I placed my hands on my belly and prayed that i would feel a kick to confirm that they were moving too much for the doctor to find the "thump thump".  Next day finally came and my husband and I went to the office.  That sonogram was absolutely silent.  The tech said not a word.  I looked at the screen and saw the little body.  For a brief second I saw her pull up what would have been the heartbeat check.  She then told me the radiologist would have it read within the hour.  I looked at my husband and the look he gave me will forever stick in my brain.  I felt my heart drop and I knew all those feelings I had were true.  The doctor came in and without a word he confirmed what we feared.  The baby was measuring 12 weeks.  There was no heartbeat.  I had to have a D&C the next day.  I felt like I was in a dream. A nightmare.  I was waiting to wake up.  This was not a dream but it was a nightmare.  How could this happen?! Again?! I was almost 17 weeks pregnant.  I was supposed to be in the clear.  I lost a part of myself that day.  I still relive those moments.  I wake up from sleeping in panics.  Some days I'm ok and then other days I'm not.  I am now dealing with the pain and figuring out how to live with the loss.  How to deal with the world around me that seems like everyone else is pregnant.  Today is not a good day.  I pray tomorrow may be better and my heart may heal.