THE END: Part three - twin oaks commune, virginia, USA
" ... co-parent peacefully. But breakups here can be grueling, due to what Twin Oaks co-founder Kat Kinkade dubbed the in-your-face phenomenon in her book about the communes early years, Is It Utopia Yet? (Still, wrote Kinkade, who died in 2008, The parents may be going through private hell, but the childs life remains in many ways much the same as it always was primary time with each parent on separate evenings, playing or learning with the same peer group, probably living in the same quarters as before.)
As Kathryn explains, Its not like before I moved here I had a breakup, a partner moved out, we didnt need to see each other anymore. Its more like high school, except youre grownups, and the stakes are higher. Even more so for parents who choose to remain at Twin Oaks and carry on separate lives in order to keep life smooth for the kids. That, she says, can lead to feeling trapped.
Adder tutoring one of his young charges, Izzy. (Photo: Khue Bui for Yahoo Parenting)
Shes now involved with someone new Adder, 27, a math wiz with hipsterish muttonchops, who came here from his parents home in the Philadelphia suburbs after doing a Web search for Do hippie communes still exist? (Many do, in fact at least 200, according to the Fellowship for Intentional Community). Now Adder is one of the main homeschool tutors for the children here, as well as a very active primary, or mentor, in other kids lives.
I think thats really good for a kid to be able to have real relationships with adults and interact with them not as a different species, he says, noting that he and Kathryn are trying to conceive a child of their own.
But Adders attentions are divided in a way that may seem startling to the outside world: He also has another girlfriend who in turn has her own girlfriend, as well as a toddler whom the two women co-parent together.
As it turns out, polyamory being in a committed relationship with more than one person is the norm at Twin Oaks (though plenty of couples are monogamous). And everyone here, it seems, takes it in stride including the kids, say their parents, because its all they know. Many even count it as a child-rearing bonus.
I think it makes a parent stronger at communication, Claire, the mom of a 1-year-old named Grace, tells me one day. Claire, more than many at Twin Oaks, delivers beautifully when it comes to the expected, free-flowing hippie image: barefooted, long-haired, joyously mellow, and prone to allowing her milky nipples to slip out of her blouse in between Graces nursing sessions. You really have to hype your communication skills to be in a poly relationship, she explains. And I think thats a great thing to offer your family and your children.
" ...every adult resident has his or her own bedroom, married or partnered or not, as a way to maintain a semblance of privacy within the context of everything else being shared.
As Angelica, a Brooklyn, N.Y., native who has no children of her own but is an active primary to several kids,... its a minority of couples who are legally married, for example, but theyre also polyamorous. (open marriage)
Summer who landed at Twin Oaks after aprivileged, conventional life in Connecticut, boarding school, and a brief stint at Oberlin College has had a boyfriend for several years.
Anya, her daughter,knows he is my boyfriend, someone special to me, Summer says about her daughters understanding. I dont think I ever need to sit down and have a talk with her, like, This is what this is, because this is just what it is. we are all here, it is right here.
Summer is not starry-eyed ... we're enrolling anya in a local Girl Scout troop in the fall, and theyre considering a summer gymnastics course, though fees and transportation issues will make it difficult.
Studies about children reared in unconventional, communal settings are rare, (the oneida commune in new york is still in existance and extremely SUCCESSFUL after 100 years). The go-to expert on the topicis Daniel Greenberg, a sustainable community advisor who studied children in intentional communities for his doctoral dissertation at the University of Minnesota in the 1990s.
Though the impact of non-monogamy on children is not specifically addressed in his research, for which he visited 25 communities and surveyed 170 from afar, breakups were considered. Divorce, although never pleasant, tends to be a much smoother and less jarring process for both parents and children within ICs, he wrote. Among the positives he observed for kids being reared in community were the many opportunities for informal learning experiences regarding leadership, negotiation, conflict resolution, voting, financial planning, meditation, composting, cooking, recycling, auto repair, gardening, and more. That, he found, built strong cross-generational friendships and verbal, confident, and mature children. It all seemed true enough to me while observing the kids at Twin Oaks whether playing whiffle ball or being tutored by primaries, sizing up new guests, or settling in to plates of fresh vegetables with their parents in the dining hall.
One thing parents and nonparents alike are grappling with here lately is the question of how to transition kids who have grown up here and want to stay as adults. The labor expectations for adults are far higher than they are for older children, so it can be a difficult adjustment. Also, while some residents believe that kids who grow up here should automatically be able to be adult members, others think they should go through the formal application process which consists of making their case, a trial period, and succumbing to interviews just like anyone else - do you do you share of the work (40 hours per week).
Keenans son Rowan, 19, has spent his entire life in Twin Oaks, and hes not sure where hell wind up. His half-brother, Arlo, recently made the decision to stay and has settled into a separate house in the community. Keenan as well as mom Kristen, who runs the Unicorn School, have been encouraging Rowan to explore the world, and hes recently started taking some classes at a nearby community college.
I think Im going to keep on doing that and get a degree and try to move out and do something in the world, says Rowan, who is warm and soft-spoken and perpetually barefooted. He spent much of his formative years building houses and other buildings all over the property with his father and brother. Sometimes he was bored. Other times he was sad when people he had grown close to moved away. Ive never really lived outside of Twin Oaks, but I feel like its a good thing to do, taking on responsibility. Hes unsure of what hed want to do, although he has an interest in computer programming. He then adds, in a quiet voice, I think my dad sort of wants me to stay here.
Most kids reared here seem to move on. One who left as a teen is now held up by some as a sort of poster child for successful Twin Oaks child rearing: Devon Sproule, 33, a musician who is particularly well-known in Europe, and who was the first child to be raised in the community. If she is the model, if shes the template of how we raise kids at Twin Oaks that they can discover an artistic passion and can make a career out of it and is still doing it 15 years later thats pretty good, Keenan points out to me.
When I contact Sproule, she says: Im good at sharing, but Im also a bit of a pack rat, so maybe thats from not having as many things of my own growing up?
Im comfortable living on little money, though. And I generally feel safe in the world and trusting of people.
Mostly, though, her communal childhood has instilled within her an unshakeable peacefulness.
Growing up at Twin Oaks, youre surrounded by people whose pace of life is generally a bit slower than outside life. Theres just a little more time there, and people are more relaxed, a little happier. Its a rich and nurturing atmosphere, full of people who have time to talk to you and are generally in good moods, she says. So imagine growing up in that.
As Kathryn explains, Its not like before I moved here I had a breakup, a partner moved out, we didnt need to see each other anymore. Its more like high school, except youre grownups, and the stakes are higher. Even more so for parents who choose to remain at Twin Oaks and carry on separate lives in order to keep life smooth for the kids. That, she says, can lead to feeling trapped.
Adder tutoring one of his young charges, Izzy. (Photo: Khue Bui for Yahoo Parenting)
Shes now involved with someone new Adder, 27, a math wiz with hipsterish muttonchops, who came here from his parents home in the Philadelphia suburbs after doing a Web search for Do hippie communes still exist? (Many do, in fact at least 200, according to the Fellowship for Intentional Community). Now Adder is one of the main homeschool tutors for the children here, as well as a very active primary, or mentor, in other kids lives.
I think thats really good for a kid to be able to have real relationships with adults and interact with them not as a different species, he says, noting that he and Kathryn are trying to conceive a child of their own.
But Adders attentions are divided in a way that may seem startling to the outside world: He also has another girlfriend who in turn has her own girlfriend, as well as a toddler whom the two women co-parent together.
As it turns out, polyamory being in a committed relationship with more than one person is the norm at Twin Oaks (though plenty of couples are monogamous). And everyone here, it seems, takes it in stride including the kids, say their parents, because its all they know. Many even count it as a child-rearing bonus.
I think it makes a parent stronger at communication, Claire, the mom of a 1-year-old named Grace, tells me one day. Claire, more than many at Twin Oaks, delivers beautifully when it comes to the expected, free-flowing hippie image: barefooted, long-haired, joyously mellow, and prone to allowing her milky nipples to slip out of her blouse in between Graces nursing sessions. You really have to hype your communication skills to be in a poly relationship, she explains. And I think thats a great thing to offer your family and your children.
" ...every adult resident has his or her own bedroom, married or partnered or not, as a way to maintain a semblance of privacy within the context of everything else being shared.
As Angelica, a Brooklyn, N.Y., native who has no children of her own but is an active primary to several kids,... its a minority of couples who are legally married, for example, but theyre also polyamorous. (open marriage)
Summer who landed at Twin Oaks after aprivileged, conventional life in Connecticut, boarding school, and a brief stint at Oberlin College has had a boyfriend for several years.
Anya, her daughter,knows he is my boyfriend, someone special to me, Summer says about her daughters understanding. I dont think I ever need to sit down and have a talk with her, like, This is what this is, because this is just what it is. we are all here, it is right here.
Summer is not starry-eyed ... we're enrolling anya in a local Girl Scout troop in the fall, and theyre considering a summer gymnastics course, though fees and transportation issues will make it difficult.
Studies about children reared in unconventional, communal settings are rare, (the oneida commune in new york is still in existance and extremely SUCCESSFUL after 100 years). The go-to expert on the topicis Daniel Greenberg, a sustainable community advisor who studied children in intentional communities for his doctoral dissertation at the University of Minnesota in the 1990s.
Though the impact of non-monogamy on children is not specifically addressed in his research, for which he visited 25 communities and surveyed 170 from afar, breakups were considered. Divorce, although never pleasant, tends to be a much smoother and less jarring process for both parents and children within ICs, he wrote. Among the positives he observed for kids being reared in community were the many opportunities for informal learning experiences regarding leadership, negotiation, conflict resolution, voting, financial planning, meditation, composting, cooking, recycling, auto repair, gardening, and more. That, he found, built strong cross-generational friendships and verbal, confident, and mature children. It all seemed true enough to me while observing the kids at Twin Oaks whether playing whiffle ball or being tutored by primaries, sizing up new guests, or settling in to plates of fresh vegetables with their parents in the dining hall.
One thing parents and nonparents alike are grappling with here lately is the question of how to transition kids who have grown up here and want to stay as adults. The labor expectations for adults are far higher than they are for older children, so it can be a difficult adjustment. Also, while some residents believe that kids who grow up here should automatically be able to be adult members, others think they should go through the formal application process which consists of making their case, a trial period, and succumbing to interviews just like anyone else - do you do you share of the work (40 hours per week).
Keenans son Rowan, 19, has spent his entire life in Twin Oaks, and hes not sure where hell wind up. His half-brother, Arlo, recently made the decision to stay and has settled into a separate house in the community. Keenan as well as mom Kristen, who runs the Unicorn School, have been encouraging Rowan to explore the world, and hes recently started taking some classes at a nearby community college.
I think Im going to keep on doing that and get a degree and try to move out and do something in the world, says Rowan, who is warm and soft-spoken and perpetually barefooted. He spent much of his formative years building houses and other buildings all over the property with his father and brother. Sometimes he was bored. Other times he was sad when people he had grown close to moved away. Ive never really lived outside of Twin Oaks, but I feel like its a good thing to do, taking on responsibility. Hes unsure of what hed want to do, although he has an interest in computer programming. He then adds, in a quiet voice, I think my dad sort of wants me to stay here.
Most kids reared here seem to move on. One who left as a teen is now held up by some as a sort of poster child for successful Twin Oaks child rearing: Devon Sproule, 33, a musician who is particularly well-known in Europe, and who was the first child to be raised in the community. If she is the model, if shes the template of how we raise kids at Twin Oaks that they can discover an artistic passion and can make a career out of it and is still doing it 15 years later thats pretty good, Keenan points out to me.
When I contact Sproule, she says: Im good at sharing, but Im also a bit of a pack rat, so maybe thats from not having as many things of my own growing up?
Im comfortable living on little money, though. And I generally feel safe in the world and trusting of people.
Mostly, though, her communal childhood has instilled within her an unshakeable peacefulness.
Growing up at Twin Oaks, youre surrounded by people whose pace of life is generally a bit slower than outside life. Theres just a little more time there, and people are more relaxed, a little happier. Its a rich and nurturing atmosphere, full of people who have time to talk to you and are generally in good moods, she says. So imagine growing up in that.
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we govern ourselves by a form of democracy with responsibility shared among various managers, planners, and committees. We are self-supporting economically, and partly self-sufficient. We are income-sharing. Each member works 42 hours a week in the community\'s business and domestic areas. Each member receives housing, food, healthcare, and personal spending money from the community.
Our hammocks and casual furniture business has generated most of our income in the past. Making tofu as of 2011 has become roughly equal in importance to hammocks. Indexing books and now seed growing are also significant sources of income. Still, less than half of our work goes into these income-producing activities; the balance goes into a variety of tasks that benefit our quality of lifeincluding milking cows, gardening, cooking, and childcare. Most people prefer doing a variety of work, rather than the same job day in, day out.
A number of us choose to be politically active in issues of peace, ecology, anti-racism, and feminism. Each summer we are hosts to a Women\'s Gathering and a Communities Conference where we welcome both experienced communitarians, and seekers who are new to community living.
We give tours of Twin Oaks almost every Saturday afternoon from March through October, and on most alternating Saturdays from November through February. Read about the Saturday Tour here.
We offer a structured three week visit designed to give the visitor some general education and experience in living at Twin Oaks. Read about the Visitor Program here
Please do not drop in and expect to get a tour or be able to stay overnight. Tours and visits must always be pre-arranged, and to be a guest here, a member must agree to be your host before you arrive.
Twin Oaks Community
138 Twin Oaks Road # W
Louisa, VA 23093 USA
540-894-5126
888-424-8838 Fax
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