The end of the cycle blues
So I've recently started back up again with trying on my own to get pregnant although it has never worked. At the beginning of the month I feel enthusiastic and full of hope and then as it approaches the end of my cycle I start becoming very obsessed with wanting to know if it happened yet. If this time it worked. I start to over analyze the things my body does as a sign that potentially a life could be growing inside of me, then the voice of helplessness begins its usual, "stop thinking about it, it most likely didn't work, just let it go, maybe if you just let it go it would happen, don't care as much" those are just a few of the messages I tell myself. Sometimes it even makes me feel guilty or crazy for wanting it to happen so badly. I wish I could just be like whatever , I wish I didn't care as much. But I do. Because it's the only thing I've truly wanted and wished for my whole life. And it feels like a punishment. Today is a different day. I'm usually very very positive n incredibly strong but today I'm kind of sick n tired of thinking it might have happened. Of Counting down the days to take a test only to realize that it didn't happen again. Idk. I'm angry and resentful about it all at the moment.
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When I read this I felt like I wrote it. Isn't it terrible how we talk to ourselves when we're upset? This month potentially one of the last months we try naturally before doing IVF. I'm praying that the symptoms I'm having are that we finally did it but my better judgement is telling me it's not.
You're allowed to have bad days. It's super stressful
I am praying for you. Hopefully they are signs that you are but if not we have plan b to explore. You are strong. We are strong. We are stronger supporting each other through these moments. I've been incredibly exhausted, like beyond exhausted all this week. I'm praying that I am but know that if I'm not I'll find the strength to keep going. I've already told myself a few times that I shouldn't fool myself into thinking it's happened. I've had a hard time thinking of anything else. Hang in there. You got this. Sending you light and love