The Dream of Equality
I need to write down what is happening because I can't make sense of it unless I have it in words I understand.
I've started watching some new shows on BYUTV: The Parker Andersons and Amelia Parker. (They're connected) The character Amelia Parker struggles with Selective Mutism due to the trauma of losing her mother in a car accident. Because she doesn't speak, her father and new step-mom want to put her in speech therapy. When they tell her this, she runs off and starts thinking about the traumatic car accident she was in. The camera zooms out to show her parents sitting next to her and saying the four words she needed: "You won't be alone."
This hit me hard and I almost started crying which never happens to me. I feel such a connection with this fictional character. She struggles with not being able to speak. I struggle with not being able to express my thoughts and feelings verbally. Due to this, confusion and strife break out for her and me. My parents (please don't think badly about them) don't seem to understand that I am struggling. I am in the process of finding out who I really am in my research of Asperger's Syndrome. I am struggling with loads of Anxiety towards going to church and church activities (That's the only time I go out most of the time because I'm homeschooled). I went on my church website and searched Asperger's. I found tips for Aspies. One was "don't be afraid to ask for accommodations." I told one of the leaders about how I think I have Asperger's. That didn't work. I asked my sisters to tell others and she won't. So, what I'm planning on doing is have my mom help me make a shirt with a quote about Aspies. Maybe people will ask questions.
I really don't know what else I can do. I don't want to randomly go up to a leader and say "I have Asperger's Syndrome which makes me really anxious to go to church. Could you help me make friends so I'm less anxious?" I am too socially awkward and shy to keep a conversation going when they try to talk to me.
I talk to my family sometimes. My mom gets mad whenever I try to talk about it sometimes because she thinks all my research I've been doing is wrong and my dad think I can just get over it and talk to someone myself. My sister tries to force me into the situation. Girl's Camp is coming up in a few months and I have multiple reasons why I don't want to go. I told my grandma and she sent me an email that pretty much says "You should go to Girl's Camp because I didn't" or something like that.
It would just be nice to have an adult listen to me and not give up when I'm too slow and awkward in my speaking. One that would say "You won't be alone in this." Someone who will listen patiently as I ramble on about my special interests. One who won't be awkward and walk away if I randomly start crying (That happened to me once). I need a kind person who will make going to church seem like therapy instead of a prison.
Sure, it's easy to write things down. But it is 100 times harder to say it out loud. I wrote a letter explaining what I go through but as soon as I showed it to my family for feedback, they said it was too long and I realized how dumb an idea it was.
Does anyone have any suggestions or advice?
Replies
having words for ^it^ makes a huge diff in my own stability. one of the ways i know i am nearing that accomplishment is when the folks around me begin to understand what i am saying and are able to discuss my conclusions in their own words. as long as i am asking them to read from and act according to my script, i believe i am still forcing my own conclusions onto them.
dunno if that made a lick of sense or even applies to this entry, buttttttaaaaa. . .
continued support while you try to find words for ^it^.
Actually, I think your letter was the perfect idea! One of the best ways to communicate with someone when you don't feel like you're truly being heard is to share your thoughts in writing.
When you are approaching your mom, dad, and sister to talk about Asperger's, are you choosing a time that isn't busy for them...in other words, when they’re not rushed or stressed? It might help to talk with them at a time when you can sit down and really have a heart-to-heart conversation.
Regarding your anxiety about Girls' Camp, church activities, and other social situations -- One thing that makes anxiety worse is avoidance. The longer you avoid something, the more your anxiety about it will grow. The best way to overcome your anxiety is to do what makes you anxious. (If only it was that easy, right?!) The key is to start really small. It’s difficult to feel comfortable in a large-scale social situation if you haven’t become comfortable in smaller settings. When you go to church, do you ever say “hello” to people you don’t know? Maybe consider picking one random stranger each week to greet, but you don't need to strike up a lengthy conversation with them (that might feel overwhelming). Just a hello and a smile.
I came across a book the other day that I wonder if you might find helpful. I haven’t read it, so I’m recommending it based on the title alone, in case you haven’t heard of it. It’s called “Through the Eyes of Asperger’s: A Latter-Day Saint Perspective,” by Robert Callaway. It is available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. It was published fairly recently (2021), so it may not be at your library yet.
I’m always happy to listen if you would like to talk. Hugs, and don't give up!
We can easily relate to characters on a program. Especially if we don't realize that there are people around us who suffer the same symptoms. I'm not saying I suffer the same symptoms. I am saying I have a different situation, similar outcomes.
My husband is a very private person. Hates it when he sees me sharing personal issues on FB. He would truely hate to see what I share on DS!! But that is not what this is about.
This is about you being able to express yourself out loud or to a stranger or a personal confidant. The point here...express yourself! Start here. It is the most understanding place you can do it!
Ignore the "you can't ". That's so negative. Listen only to those who say "you can". (AND I am one").
Talk to me, connect with me (by PM) I will listen. Am a Christian myself, a follower of Jesus. Someone who will deal with outsiders because I was/am one. I don't color in the lines. I don't fit in the boundaries.!! ;-))
I definitely don't do what's expected!
So, let's talk.
Matthew 7
Amplified Bible
21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven.
I'm just saying!
And BTW, what Ms Judy (ladybug) suggested is helpful. Start small. In a non-conspicuous way. Start small, where a lot of people don't really notice. Then work your way up. You will find more and more acceptance that way. You might even be surprised who continues the talk!!
And PM me whenever you need to.