the drain

well i go from being there is no hope to there is hope to there is no hope for anything more than what we have.  we switched dad to pallative care.  so yesterday his reg dr came in and dad was having a few minutes of calarity and he said jim without this drain you will die which is prob true....but with the drain there is a chance dad said put the drain in so he was very uncomfortable all afternoon(the drain was put in his pancreas where there is a big abcess) so i thought ok that is what he wants we will do it and maybe it will drain and the antibiotics will start working and things will be more comfortable for  him wrong no drainage hardly at all this sucks i wish there would be some kind of miracle and he would just be old dad but i dont think that will happen realistically he has too much illness incompatable with life even for a very priorly healthy 85 y/o man with just some slight confusion it is just so multiple system and part of me thinks i want to hope which is rediculous to and i feel horrible when i start to look at the reality of things we may need to deal with....some days he looks like he is actively dying moteling and all then he will seem better breathing will be better etc then next day the other i dont know what to do about work anymore every time i try to go in i get called back out to come to the hospital even when my brother is here it is just as soon as i make plans for more than 5 hours he craps out the only thing is income and money i would like to just be off work to take care of him but there are bills etc.  if this is only going to be a few weeks more it is one thing but if it is going to be months then i have to be realistic about it there are just no answers and no one knows