The Disagreement Continues!
Thursday, March 12, 2009 – 3:35 P.M. Many thanks to those of you who left comments regarding my journal entry of Tuesday. I also appreciate the many hugs. I am still very displeased and unhappy over the events that took place on Monday. The one good thing is that my blood pressure has finally gotten back to normal. I must admit, that ever since my brother and I began having family conferences together, part of me was waiting for him to try and pull something such as he did on Monday. Well, at least, that feeling I had was not in vain. I am not totally crazy. Yesterday afternoon, I saw my psychologist, Dr. Martin. It took me no time at all to begin blurting out the anger that was inside of me. She said that she was happy to hear me express it so readily. Dr. Martin said that she could not remember my brother having said that he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. I adamantly pointed out that I heard him say it twice. I also told Dr. Martin that the way I felt yesterday, I was seriously considering stopping the joint counseling sessions with my brother. Upon hearing that, Dr. Martin said that she did not want me to stop the counseling sessions. She said that it was important for me to continue with them. I replied that I would have to give that a great deal of thought. I wish that I had also told her, that I had felt as though my brother was abusing me, both orally and emotionally. I do not care what anyone says, but I am not going to let him continue doing that in the future. While I was seeing her, she made a call to Dale, and left a message telling him that I was seeing her at that very moment and that I was upset at what had occurred. I also told Dr. Martin that I had heard my brother say two other things about me, but that I had not exactly heard what they were. She enlightened me about that. Apparently, my brother was not happy after our last meeting, when I refused to answer one of his questions until I did some processing and talked with Dr. Martin. (Maybe he does not know the meaning of processing.) She also heard him say that he and his family were upset, because whenever any of them asked me a question, I took too long in answering it. Personally, I think that is my business rather than his! If I am accustomed to taking a few minutes or longer, why should I do otherwise in order to please him? After I got home yesterday afternoon, and was preparing to eat dinner, the phone rang. It was Dale calling me in response to the phone call from Dr. Martin. He said that he needed to see me and we agreed on a time for next Monday morning. He said he thought that I was doing extremely well in our counseling sessions with my brother. He also said that what he had heard was a nice talk between two brothers. Dale quoted certain things that he said my brother and I had both stated. According to him, none of them said anything about my brother being ashamed to be seen with me in public. I told him he was quite wrong about that. Dale and I talked for about 20 minutes, but I never gave up on what I heard from my brother. Dale also said that he could look up the exact quotation that my brother had made. In a short burst of anger, I asked if he had been taping our sessions without our knowing about it. He replied that he just had a good memory for listening, and could write most things down within an hour of hearing them. He also said that during our next counseling session with my brother, we needed to get a clarification of exactly what it was that he said to me. Because I did not feel as though I was getting anywhere with Dale, I finally cut our conversation short. I will be there Monday morning, as promised, but as far as future sessions with my brother are concerned, Dale is going to have to do one hell of a sales pitch! I have been in a serious state of depression ever since Monday. It is hard for me to get any sleep at night, and just as hard for me to keep from sleeping during the day. It feels as though my days and nights are all mixed up. My energy level is not what I think it should be. I doubt if that is going to change until I managed to get rid of a certain amount of the pain, hurt, and anger, which I sustained on Monday. I may be down, but I am not out. If my brother had been hoping for a knockout blow, he must have been sorely disappointed!
Replies
Thinking of you with many hugs and good wishes. hugs-Stephanie
I have been waiting so long for you - for 2 years...
TO GET AGITATED.
FINALLY! I am doing a dance here. You must sense somewhere inside you, that you have found a safe place to do that.
You\'re getting agitated, instead of numbing. You are sustaining your goals, man!
YOU ROCK!!!
\"It took me no time at all to begin blurting out the anger that was inside of me. She said that she was happy to hear me express it so readily.\"
ME TOO!
*dance*dance*dance*
\"Upon hearing that, Dr. Martin said that she did not want me to stop the counseling sessions. \"
ME NEITHER!
\"She also heard him say that he and his family were upset, because whenever any of them asked me a question, I took too long in answering it. Personally, I think that is my business rather than his!\"
Yep. So, just tell him, you want to give a thought-out answer and HE\'LL HAVE TO COOL HIS JETS while you think. And ASK HIM if he\'s feeling uncomfortable at that moment, and would it be easy for HIM to shoot out an answer, were the wheel on the other chair.
\"but as far as future sessions with my brother are concerned, Dale is going to have to do one hell of a sales pitch!\"
DON\'T GIVE UP! I have The Cosmic Muffin ready to put your brother on a poker and into the fire if need be.
\"I may be down, but I am not out. If my brother had been hoping for a knockout blow, he must have been sorely disappointed!\"
YOU ROCK! w00000000000t!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
\"I have been waiting so long for you - for 2 years...
TO GET AGITATED.\"
It would have been easier for both of us if you had just told me that.
\"You must sense somewhere inside you, that you have found a safe place to do that.\"
Yes, Dr. Martin was instrumental in helping me learn the meaning of a Safe Place, and then helping me find one.
\"You\'re getting agitated, instead of numbing.\"
I\'m tired of my brother trying to take control of everything, and walking all over me in the process.
\"Upon hearing that, Dr. Martin said that she did not want me to stop the counseling sessions.\"
\"ME NEITHER!\"
The jury is still out on that.
\'\"but as far as future sessions with my brother are concerned, Dale is going to have to do one hell of a sales pitch!\"\'
He\'s pretty good at sales, but I\'ll have to wait and see.
\"I may be down, but I am not out. If my brother had been hoping for a knockout blow, he must have been sorely disappointed!\"
YOU ROCK! w00000000000t!!!!!!!!!!!
I\'ve been trying to sit back, be polite and listen to my brother, but if he wants to get nasty, I can do the same thing. I\'ve had just about all I can stomach from him!
\"It would have been easier for both of us if you had just told me that. \"
Ummmm, I did, a few times. I think I still have those early communications saved... Back in 2007!!! I said you needed to get angry, you kept saying you couldn\'t because you felt shame and responsible, I said stop it...
\'S okay. There hasn\'t been a good safe place for you to get angry until now, and I do remember telling you that your therapist needed to do that for you too. Make you feel safe. That takes time and practice and setting a plan for a path.
Just try and remember, your brother has/had issues with alcohol, and he\'s not the most stable person either. He\'s bound to have \'people skills issues\'.
Just put on your journalist hat when he does that Jim. See him as a man from whom to get what YOU need, information to help a good person, who is YOU, heal. Try not to let your feelings and emotions get too volcanic. So he says he\'s ashamed? Send your brain directly to \'that\'s interesting, why do you feel that way?\'.
Just because he blurts a thing, doesn\'t make him right! I believe I said a similar thing about your mother in 2007 too...
And I know you can continue because you have a secret weapon. ALL OF US HERE AT DS, who are ALWAYS in your corner. So maybe you need to take a break and let things float to the top and process every now and then.
BUT DON\'T GIVE UP! KEEP SEEING THE GOAL!
You have already come SO far......
More Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
I absolutely LOVE what Weebs says about putting on your journalist hat. I think it would help you see him for what he is and perhaps bring you into the moment. When I hear abusive comments it feels like a punch in the gut and then I am incapacitated. It brings back too many unresolved feelings.
You have been working hard to resolve feelings. You have so much courage. I don\'t think anyone can understand how difficult it was for you to even face this meeting let alone hear what your brother had to say. That is what angers me the most here. He seems to have zero clue who you are and what your life is like but I\'ll bet you know a lot about him.
They say anger is the backbone of healing. I hadn\'t thought of that until Weebs mentioned that it\'s good you are getting angry. You sure do seem strong and motivated and speaking from a place of power now. I think your suspicions about your brother are all true and that has to feel somewhat validating.
Weebs is right. You have come SO far. I can tell by how fast you seem to have bounced back this time.
Big hugs, Jim. Keep going and doing all you are doing. I think you are doing wonderful.