The descent of my mental state
Recently, my mental sanity has been degrading more and more. It started on friday, when my crush announced that she was going to the school prom with another boy, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It took every ounce of strengh to not burst in to tears in front of her. So i just ran, and i ran as far away from her possible. Later on that day, i cut my self more than i ever had in my life put together, I had a massive go at her on gmail chat. The mean thing is, i dont even regret it! I know, im really mean, but to be fair, she had broken my heart 100x over, i think she got off pretty lightly, considering im still self harming, and running out of places, still crying.Shes a very forgiving person, and forgived me for that yell i had at her the day before almost instantly. The next day we chatted on the internet like normal, even though i certainly didnt feel normal talking to her. I acted as if i was fine to her, but her friend Becca asked how i was feeling, and asked why i was feeling crap, i explained what happened, and also expressed my hatred for the guy that asked her, chris (he dosent deserve to have his name capitalised). She had the f*ckin nerve to tell me that it was her choice, I ALREADY KNOW THAT!!!! but she didnt just say that once, oh no, she said it multiple times!Then i return back to school on monday, i know its gonna be bad, so i bring one of best friends along, my blade. I had to see my crush in humanities, which was first lesson, and to make matters worse chris was also in there, but he sat on the other side of the room. I opened up to one of my best mates about my self harm issues, i also showed my blade that i brought into school, (i also put it into my pocket, just incase i ran off to the bathroom. I actualy did at first break, i was craving just one line, just 1 scratch on my arm.
The worst lesson was science though, cos 1 of Lizzies mates was there, the biggest c*nt, jamie, he and his mate callum north, just kept on taking the piss out of me, i kept on rubbing the back of my blade that i kept in my pocket, it was the only bit of comfort i had."It dosent sound like your mental condition is degrading, technojoey" trust me, it is, im thinking that everyone, including Lizzie, is laughing at me, she says she isnt, but i know she is, all her mates are, especially jamie (its hard to believe that i was one friends with him). Im also feeling really crappy, lethargic all the time. the urge to self harm is almost always there. Im not that intrested in listening to music or watching tv anymore. At a few points in those 4 days, i also felt sick. I used to be a fairly happy teenage boy, but now im jusy an empty shell of a person.
On tuesday, i sent Lizzie this email:
"I have let my jealousy issues affect me too far, so much so that i am flipping out at chris and everything around me! I have realised that i am more mentally ill than i thought i was on friday. Im ending our friendship for now, because i know you probably never would. We would still be friends, i would get angry at you, i would hurt you again. But this time i have taken it too far, i understand that. Talk to me if you want in school, or on gmail, or whatever, but i would highly reccomend avoiding me. Please dont forgive me, i definetly dont deserve it, even though you may think i do (if you actually think that i do deserve it) I would reccomend that you dont pray for me, either. But its your call. When/if im sane again, we can rekindle our friendship, but for now, this is good bye. Ill miss you, you were the best thing in the world to me, but i let my issues get in the way. None of this is anyones fault but mine. Im sorry for all the pain ive caused you."
But before i sent that, i got in a huge argument with chris on facebook, he said "Chill out mate", I literally exploded at him. About midnight I deleted the post, just before i sent the email.
Now i want him DEAD
The worst lesson was science though, cos 1 of Lizzies mates was there, the biggest c*nt, jamie, he and his mate callum north, just kept on taking the piss out of me, i kept on rubbing the back of my blade that i kept in my pocket, it was the only bit of comfort i had."It dosent sound like your mental condition is degrading, technojoey" trust me, it is, im thinking that everyone, including Lizzie, is laughing at me, she says she isnt, but i know she is, all her mates are, especially jamie (its hard to believe that i was one friends with him). Im also feeling really crappy, lethargic all the time. the urge to self harm is almost always there. Im not that intrested in listening to music or watching tv anymore. At a few points in those 4 days, i also felt sick. I used to be a fairly happy teenage boy, but now im jusy an empty shell of a person.
On tuesday, i sent Lizzie this email:
"I have let my jealousy issues affect me too far, so much so that i am flipping out at chris and everything around me! I have realised that i am more mentally ill than i thought i was on friday. Im ending our friendship for now, because i know you probably never would. We would still be friends, i would get angry at you, i would hurt you again. But this time i have taken it too far, i understand that. Talk to me if you want in school, or on gmail, or whatever, but i would highly reccomend avoiding me. Please dont forgive me, i definetly dont deserve it, even though you may think i do (if you actually think that i do deserve it) I would reccomend that you dont pray for me, either. But its your call. When/if im sane again, we can rekindle our friendship, but for now, this is good bye. Ill miss you, you were the best thing in the world to me, but i let my issues get in the way. None of this is anyones fault but mine. Im sorry for all the pain ive caused you."
But before i sent that, i got in a huge argument with chris on facebook, he said "Chill out mate", I literally exploded at him. About midnight I deleted the post, just before i sent the email.
Now i want him DEAD
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