The Definition of Insanity and Powerlessness

Off I go to the store to get another test since I am late today. Evidently regardless of the emotional wreckage I am a sucker for torture. Yaaaaasssss that's a brilliant idea to do this right before I go to work so I can try not to cry over the inevitable negative and make today go from bad to worse. Or if its positive be happy yet terrified into an adrenalin rush cold sweat at the same time, call the doctor so that they can recommend the inevitable beta hcg levels and fricking dildo proportioned ultrasounds that didn't save my baby (which had a healthy heartbeat before two of the aforementioned ultrasounds back to back in one day, my tech really dug around in there) last time. There is nothing they can do to prevent this from happening again supposedly. Although I heard they could sew my cervix shut from someone...idk...sounds like a rumor. Still spotting though it is almost clearish. I am scared either way since I spotted through almost all of the last pregnancy until I miscarried. Hoping that some kind of Higher Power grants me the serenity to deal right now. Meditation and chaos