The definition of a unfulfilled night.

 
After being in pain for countless days, months, and years... I finally realized that what hurts me more than the pain itself, is the realization of being in pain every single minute, hour, and day... realizing what this pain has robbed me of, the person it's turned me into, and the loneliness it has brought me. My eyes fill up with tears to the point of no return and before I know it tears are rolling down my face. There is no emotion on my face. This is how I know just how much this pain affects my life, the person I've become, and the emotions that tear me apart on nights like these. The people around me tell me they understand. Their actions all indicate that they understand. But they don't, they never will. They are the most "understanding" people I could ever have by my side, but they do not understand. There's a darkness, a loneliness that eats away your soul little by little. And these tears and no emotion on my face will mean nothing to me tomorrow. They will just fade away along with the day. And this emotionless face will blend into the pile of nights like these that I've experienced all too many times before. I feel empty. I feel pain. I feel nothing but pain. My breathing no longer means using my lungs. It means breathing in sync with my pain. There's no specific reason why I'm crying right now. The pain itself I can handle. The realization that I'm in pain when I shouldn't be is what's tearing me apart. I've been dealing with this for so long. I've written so many hidden journals to a website full of people who will not judge me for what I say.. when in reality I keep these emotions on this website. I cry alone, holding my family and everyone else in my life within arms reach of this burden I go through. It's lonely though. It's hard to cry and pour my heart out on some journal entry in the hopes it'll bring me comfort. It won't. It'll pass the time until I can gather myself again. With Easter coming tomorrow, there will be the usual Easter Egg decorations, the usual family dinner, the usual Easter cheer. And while everyone is celebrating Easter and it's meaning.. alone in my head, I'll be thinking about my beliefs. My trust, my hope, my love. Because the darkness that the pain forces me to see, also darkens the beliefs I have. For some, a burden as terrible as this would allow themselves to give it away with open arms. For others, they completely ignore the word religion. As for myself, my prayers, sobs, and giving with open arms has led me to pour my heart out on this journal. Maybe my expectations are irrational. Maybe I expect too much. But having to feel this, I feel like I expect so little. Past the pain, I do have my own beliefs but when I'm at my lowest, my anger shields everything I believe in. Religious or not. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of having to go through this although I've been going through it for years. I'm afraid that I won't have the strength next week, next month, or next year the way I do now, as little as it is. I'm afraid I won't want to have strength or find it somewhere inside myself. I'm afraid of who I will become because of this pain. Because it has changed me. And let's be honest, we all have something we don't like about ourselves. Pain justifies your faults in your own mind. And in reality, some of it is true. And yet the world around you judges you and sees this as you trying to use your pain to justify everything. My thoughts are out of control. My emotions are completely irrational. My heart is slowly pounding beat by beat and my tears are endless. For the first time in what seems like forever, I will honestly say that my pain has truly brought me sadness tonight. I'm sad, not depressed. Just sad that I have actually written these emotions, and even more so, that this is how I feel right now. This isn't what I want to look back on. This isn't what I asked for. When people ask me where do I see myself in ten years, I have absolutely no answer for them. Because if you asked me when I was eleven years old where I would be in ten years, there is no possible way I would've said sitting on my computer writing this. It's a pathetic question. Everyone has goals.. but I was hit with a bat four years ago and here I am. Pushing my goals, refusing to allow myself to ask why I even bother pursuing or accomplishing them because I would have no answer. What I really want to do is nothing. But I don't. I made goals before all of this and I planned to finish them. I just didn't know it was going to be this hard. It shouldn't have been this hard. But things are never what they're supposed to be. Life is never fair. For anyone, not just someone who complains about pain when things could be/are so much worse for the person standing next to you. And that's how I keep going.....