The Deal About Ohio...

Usually I don’t talk about this because it’s a huge hurt for me. However, as most of you know by reading my blogs I am thinking about going to Ohio on Nov 21st. The trip is just a blink away and I need to decide what to do and commit to it. The reason why I am going is because we finally have time to get up there and to see Grammies grave, collect the things she willed to me, visit what “family” I do have (which is only an aunt and uncle that really never loved this black sheep), and to see an old friend. I won’t be there long- only about two days with the rest of the days scheduled basically stuck in the car.  It was March of 2002 when I decided to move to Texas. Something in me knew if I didn’t get out of Ohio I would die. My Grammie said the same thing when she would reflect back on it. She would say, “oh hunny I am so glad you got out of Ohio. Your parents didn’t appreciate you, you were a punching bag for your drunken trouble making brother, and you were basically ignored by everyone. I wish they would have done better by you…you sat there and gave them everything and they didn’t appreciate you. I don’t think you could have ever been happy here.” She was right. With all the physical and emotional abuse I was heading down a very bad path.  For me I was always the one to plan things and think it through however when offered to relocate to Texas with someone I really admired, respected and loved I took the chance. I wanted to have an education, for chance for healthy relationships, and be a strong individual.  In 2002 we visited Ohio 3 times- One in the summer, the second for my dads 50th birthday (we surprised him), and the last for Christmas. I hadn’t been back since that Christmas when everything went wrong. You see my brother is a drunk and does recreational drugs. Fine that’s his perogitive if he wishes to destroy his life, however, he would get physically violent, destroy anything in his path, and basically make everyones life a living hell. Everyone spent their time looking the other way with the excuse of, “oh that’s just Ed for ya!” Well, I didn’t like it. It got to the point when he would target me in his drunken fits that I would fight back. We would end up in these huge physical fights with blood and bruises. The house would be trashed but after I would say…slam his head in the wall several times he would calm right down and I could have my peace. He nick named me “Bitch” and would call me that often. I hated that so much that one day he called me bitch and I throttled him. What was sad was my dad was standing there, knew I hated being called that name and let all that escalate.  For my last visit to Ohio around Christmas we drove 22 hours in horrible weather to get there. They knew we were coming and what time we would be there. We arrive to an empty house that was filthy (I was the only one that ever cleaned that damn house), my room wasnt dusted and the bed didn’t have fresh sheets and there was no food in the house. So, like a good daughter…my so-to-be Husband and his son (who was 14 at the time) spent the day cleaning, going to the store and cooking dinner. When my dad and my step mom showed up we didn’t even get a thank you that they came home to a clean house and dinner on the table. Whatever. I should have known when I woke up that night, sat straight up in bed and threw up for no reason…that foreshadowed what was to come.  It was Christmas and after doing all the rounds of visiting including going over to my Aunt and Uncles to see my Grammie- and not feeling welcome by anyone but her-  my new little family (soon to be hubby and my step son) went back to my parents house were my drunken brother was sitting at the kitchen table with my dad being loud and obnoxious I was greeted by being called a bitch. I decided since my step son was there I didn’t wish to expose him to the violence so…I kept my mouth shut and left the room taking Sean (my step son) with me. An hour passed and it got worse. Ed would keep saying “where is that little bitch at???” Talking about me. My dad sat there chuckling. I sent Sean down to the basement bedroom because he was tired and I remained in the computer room. My soon to be Husband was reading on the couch behind me. My step mom even seemed to be getting annoyed. Finally I just went to bed because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  I awoke to hearing a ruckus down stairs, then the slam of doors followed by tires squeeling. I went down stairs to see what happened only to find my brother tried to fight my soon to be husband, Dylan, because I wouldn’t fight him. I guess my brother tried to provoke a fight and Dylan wasn’t having it. Dylans reason was because he is a guest in that house and you don’t act that way- which is true. My father did NOTHING to stop it. I was so angry with my father at that point that he let it escalate like that. I knew my brother would be back for me- if he didn’t get his fight he will keep coming back until he does. I told Dylan since my dad isn’t putting his foot down with my brother that we need to get Sean and leave. It just wasn’t a safe place for a kid.  Dylan went and apologized to my Father for the mess that happened and told him we were leaving because it wasn’t safe. My father flipped. He grabbed the Christmas tree and chucked it out the door into the snow- which it almost hit me if I wouldnt have ducked. He told me I ruined everything and he will never celebrate Christmas again. Then my step mom who was my best friend turned to me and told me I should have sucked it up. She also said I ruined everything and upset my father. I spent that Christmas in my own home town…in a motel weeping. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was so crippled with hurt...my heart was broken. I could have gone to my Grammies but I knew my brother would have tracked us down there. I didn’t want that drama arriving on her door step.  I called my father the next day to perhaps work something out. He said to me- and I will NEVER EVER forget these words as long as I live- “I am so disappointed in you.” And I said “because I wouldn’t put up with Eds crap or because I stood up and said enough is enough???” and he said “It doesn’t matter…I am so disappointed in you”…for which I replied “and I am disappointed in you…” I hung up and left for Texas…without looking back.  As I wrote this I cried. I guess I am still hurt. When I got married to Dylan I had to call my dad and ask him if he was going to walk me down the aisle or not. I told him I could just as easily throw myself down the aisle but he came. It was nice seeing him and my step mom but nothing was the same. Soon he forgot my birthday and then forgot me. I am just something he doesn’t wish to face. Everything with him is “put it to bed”. So he boxed up anything that reminds him of me...and tucked it away. I am so easily forgotten... Going to Ohio is so much more then saying Goodbye to Grammie. Ohio is pain for me. The holidays are coming up and for once in my life I am looking forward to them. I mean I am EXCITED! Can I handle this reckoning and not have it ruin my holiday? I just don’t know what to do…face my pain now…or plan it for later? Am I strong enough? I just don’t know….I wish Grammie was here with her wisdom. It just sucks...I am angry at myself. I finally may go to Ohio...and Grammie isnt alive. All those years....all those damn years I could have seen her...held her had one last time... Its just too much.... ~Bright Blessings~Rea