The Day Life Really Changed

12/15/2012. The day my life really changed. One year ago today. It was a Saturday. Dina had been back in the hospital one day shy of a week at this point. Getting the fluid accumulation under control was an ongoing task but things seemed to be going in the right direction. I was at the hospital with her from late morning until 10:30 the night before. They had found some fluid around her heart and I wanted to be there until they got that resolved, which wasn’t until late that evening. They drained and things looked good. She didn’t feel great but was glad to have that over with. Since she was in her own room that night I had the opportunity to stay over with her. Our daughter was already staying at Grammie’s house so that wasn’t an issue. However, we had a birthday party that following day and I had nothing with me. Dina wanted me to spend the entire next day with our daughter and just wait until Sunday to visit. Her mother would be there for the day so, while difficult, I agreed to do that. I left at 10:30 and met my brother for a couple beers to unwind after a long week.
I was getting ready the next morning before heading out to pick up my daughter to head to the party. That’s when a close friend showed up at my door with a Christmas tree in hand. He knew I hadn’t had time to get one so he got one for us. It was a great start to the day. I picked up my daughter; we went to the party and had a fun day. I pulled in my driveway at almost 4PM and that’s when my mother-in-law called. Dina had a bit a rough day and wasn’t in great shape so she thought maybe I should go in. My sister-in-law was already on her way up to watch my daughter. I knew things couldn’t have been great because this wasn’t like my MIL but she seemed okay so I didn’t think too much of it. Shortly before leaving for the hospital after my SIL got there I noticed a missed call on my phone. It was from a restricted number. At that point I had a feeling something more was going on. Sure enough a few minutes later when I was in the car in came another call from a restricted number. It was the surgeon who performed Dina’s heart surgery back in October. No way this was good. And it wasn’t. They had taken Dina to put some chest tubes in to drain some more fluid. When she got back the NP that had seen a lot of her knew she didn’t look well. He sent her across the hall to the cardiac ICU. Shortly thereafter her heart stopped. It took about 10 minutes of CPR to revive her. This is about all I knew while driving there.
I was greeted by my MIL when I got off the elevator. I knew this was bad. She hugged me tight and told me things were not good. Given the amount of time she was ‘out’ they were worried about her neurological function. How was this happening? Was this real? She’s only 33 and we have a not yet 3 year old daughter at home. My head was spinning but these were some of my first thoughts. I went into the room and there she was…on a ventilator, tubes everywhere, IVs everywhere, barely alive. I didn’t know what to do. With tears streaming I just held her hand and talked to her in the hopes that she knew I was there with her. It was the worst moment of my life to that point. We had been through some other issues with her before but nothing like this. I immediately prepared myself for the worst.
My MIL had called my brothers and asked them to come be with me (she’s amazing, if you haven’t realized that yet based on the way I write about her!!) and they called my parents. That’s when the fun started…placing phone calls to friends and family to let them know what was going on. Then it was just a waiting game, with a bleak outlook. Her heart was not circulating the blood as well as it needed to. They were going to insert a device (impella) that would go up next to her heart and help with that. My MIL and I were taken to her room and told that was the plan but were also told to prepare for the worst. They were not confident she would make it through that and if she did they expected the neurological connection to be too damaged. They took her away and we waited. Again.
At this point we had taken over the entire waiting room and a chunk of the hallway. News was slow to come, as would be expected given the situation. Then we got a glimmer of hope…neurological tests looked promising but that didn’t mean much at that point. More waiting, and it had now turned into Sunday. Hours later (which felt like days) the first bit of good news came. The surgeon, a straight shooter who didn’t sugar coat things, said things were trending in the right direction and actually used the word ‘miraculous’. It was as if someone shot new life into my body. It was a very small step and there were still miles to go but in a way that made me know that she was going to do this.
And guess what? She did. A day or so later they switched her to a more robust support system to help circulate the blood while her heart continued to recover. That was called ECMO and it was a form of life support, which I actually didn’t know until days later. They said she did great during that switch and even responded to commands. I think you could have set me on fire at that point and I likely wouldn’t have felt it. Less than two days prior I truly thought she was going to die. I’m typically optimistic but this situation sucked all of that right out of me. Quickly. I was already thinking of how drastically my life was going to change and wondering how I was going to do this all without her. I was essentially thinking about the life that I’m living now, which I really started living that day. But then she did her thing. She started kicking ass. It was a long, overwhelming battle that was both physically and emotionally draining but day by day from that point she continued to improve. She was on a path to full recovery according to all indications. 4 months later, likely only weeks away from coming back home, that changed and things didn’t turn out the way everyone expected. It’s crushing to think that the fight she put up to get home to our daughter and me didn’t end the way it was supposed to. Despite that she remains the single most courageous, strongest, inspiring and determined person I have ever known. And I was lucky enough to call her my wife for almost 6 years. Life will move forward, and likely change many times over the years, but I will always love her and keep her in my heart.