The day after Christmas,and silence prevails

Good morning journal,the time is 10:00am,I am awake,but that is the only thing I am sure of today.Christmas day was spent in an atmosphere of silence and uneasy tolerance;I tried to remain distant but polite because I didn't want to completely ruin the day for my wife;but she sensed my mood despite my best efforts,and became irritable and hurtful in her tone towards me.I understood her frustration and anger,I just couldn't help her with it,so I remained silent for the most part,preferring not to fuel the emotional fire that was burning in our Christmas hearth.There was no Christmas tree,no presents,and very little goodwill in our home;financially,it wasn't possible this year to spend money we didn't have due to my illness and absence from work,so we didn't,it made sense at the time,but with hindsight,perhaps we should have said to hell with it and gone for a usual Christmas.There were no children or grandchildren laughing or playing,just two lonely people struggling with their own private demons and losing each and every battle.Christmas dinner was eaten,again in comparative silence in our respective chairs,not knowing what to say,and not wishing to provoke an argument,so instead nothing was said at all;leaving a cloak of total disinterest and sadness, almost tangible,hanging in the air.My daughter called me late in the evening to wish us Merry Christmas, she too,sensed that I was not enjoying the day,but we parted with the usual"I love you",and she promised to try and come and see us within the next couple of weeks.My thoughts turned to the moon,and the first star on the left,and I retired to bed,hoping that sleep would overcome me,and bring some escape and relief from my morbidness;and the whispers in my head that had hissed incessantly throughout the day.My wife slept on the sofa,for reasons known only to her,and she remains there as I type,asleep with the dogs;please God she feels better today, for her pain grieves me sorely,and if there is a way for me to end it,I will find it,for in ending the pain of this woman I love so much;I may just find an end to my own.Till tomorrow journal,let us have a peaceful day.

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deleted_user
deleted_user

Scott, my heart goes out to you and your wife. I read your journal entries on a very regular basis, and I can\'t begin to imagine what goes on there and in your head sometimes. I know you are trying to put up a good fight, and I know it is difficult at the very very best. Just please hang in there, and find little ways to accept joy, and also to find a way to give your wife comfort. Please take care, Bill