The day after
Why is it that when I have a bad day, i have a good day after? Or like the most is three good days, followed by a bad day? Well Yesterday I BP with Ipecac. I woke up at 4:30 am mad. I was looking at group meetings and it didn't start till night. Then I was looking at the gym and when i wanted to go because I want to start working out moderatley. Well I looked at my husband sleep and just got so mad at him. I started writing my journal and I wrote for like an hour about how mad I was, how fat I felt, etc etc. I wrote about my mom and how she is the most horrible person in the world. The night before, I went to therapy and we talked about trauma. I just can't go there. You see, my mom met my stepdad when I was three and my sister was two. He was evil. He sent us both to the hospital before age 5. He beat us every which way you could think of. Later it became mental, and later... Anyways, I am angry at him, but I am more angry at my mom for letting it happen. She would watch my dad try to basically kill us, and do nothing. After the episodes, she would put cream or band-aids, or whatever to coverf up the bruises. She would decide if we were ok to go to school. (or the hospitable) she never protected us and it SUCKS having to think about it. Now they are divorced , but she is still crazy. She called me one time and for once, she said she was proud of me. As I started to become happy, she then added, because you aren't screwed up like your sisters (I have 4 younger sisters) Man I was freaking pissed. She then went on to talk shit about my sisters and I love them dearly. How DARE SHE!! And yes, I told her about my ED. She told me I need to eat and stop throwing up. What a bitch. Ok I need to stop wrting about her before I go into ED mode again... Well anyways, yesterday was horrble, to begin with. I layed in bad for a couple of hours trying to sleep, and I just cried all day. My husband came in and started crying with me and he doesn't know about the BP but he knows I am in pain. He asked me if I was going to die. I said no but he was so worried about me. I hate what ED is doing to us. But I am also upset because I feel like me and my husband (Ed or no ED) are two completly different people and he still makes me so angry when I tihnk about him. Well we went out to lunch and he cried the whole time. Then I went on a hike at 5:00 PM with an OA member. That hike was just what I needed. We talked about spirituality, and we talked about love and peace and how we can help others, and health (she does holistic medicine and she also makes chocolate that is actuallt good for you. She is a liitle overweight, but she was so comfortable with herself. She is so spiritual and so confident and so in tune with her body and mind. That hike made me realize why I want recovery. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to live my life and do what makes me happy. I want to help others because I do have emphathy and I am a good person, just sick. I want to be in tune with myself, with mnature, and with my body. I want to live a long life filled with joy and love and happiness. Another thing that was a wake up call for me was that I went to group after the hike and I say am old lady there, still anerexic, still in her ED. That could be me. She must have lived her life in unhappiness, and now she is old, probably with nothing to show for it except her bones. She might have accomplished things, and been successful, but was she happy? Could she look back on life and say she did what she wanted to do? I think not.
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