The dark side of the moon

I have been feeling so much pain and stress and emotion as I round the opposite side of the year from May 19th when Andy died. It's my PTSD cycle. We're coming up on the half-year marker. It feels like the dark side of the moon.
I went and looked at my journal for a year ago. A few minutes ago I wrote on Sandi's journal that I remember the night he died and how relieved I was for him to finally be at peace. I do not feel any conflict about this. Of course if LIFE had been an option that would have been better but we didn't have that choice, and death was the only peace for Andy.
This journal entry I'll share... illustrates the torment of a man who was not willing to go quietly into that good night. We were both still so shocked that he even HAD cancer, and had to have so many terrible things like toxic chemotherapy done... at times it just got to be too ****ing much. I'm sure many of you can relate to his rage. So anyway, here's November 2009:
=============================
Nov. 2009
Yesterday: A TERRIBLE horrible very bad no good morning with Andy. (Chemo day... obviously... nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.) He was apparently releasing stress, sort of like a human volcano. Not aimed at me but at the whole capitalist world, all the greedy pigs and moronic sheep, selfish a-holes everywhere, LOL. Rocks and ash and sparks were flying for hours. He needed to have something at which it is safe to be pissed off in a big way, I guess. But whew. 
I have heard that cancer can bring us to this. We just don't have time or patience for things that take generations to fix. 
I listened. I observed quietly that there are many who are trying to do the best they can. But yes: We all get tired of waiting. We all wonder if our hope will last as long as our bodies. I said we just try to do the right thing, every day, and see beauty and goodness wherever, everywhere. 
I thought it was biochemical and it may have been, partly, but he had taken the usual Zoloft and Klonopin this morning before we headed out and he was only getting Avastin, no dex in the IV today. Since he was sitting in the IV chair convulsing and sobbing with such dark anguish (with headphones on, very loud music) I asked the nurse if he could have a little help and they did slip him a fairly good dose of Ativan. It calmed him down for the rest of the IV time. 
But then he got even more wound up in the car, and just screamed and raged at the world, that he just couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't wait for change anymore, couldn't stand how much wrong there is in the world. Poor guy. When you hold it all inside.... yeah, it blows. I think he'd also been deluding himself since we got the good MRI results last week that he wouldn't have to have these IV's anymore. Reality hits pretty hard. 
He pulled himself together in the afternoon, our friend Moira came over to stay and steady him, and Byron took him to the airport and he flew to Baltimore to visit friends. (I had to get back to work because of a big presentation due at 5 pm... sheesh.) For a few minutes there I thought he wouldn't be able to go. Generally they don't let you on a flight when you're spewing assassination plans for Dick Cheney. Or I thought I might have to call 911 if he didn't calm down. He was truly a volcano. But I think now that all the grief and stress just had to come out again. I think we'll talk about it. How do we not let it built up like that? Can I EVER get him to talk with a counselor?!?!? 
xox Sarah
 

Replies

inmemoryofhattie
inmemoryofhattie

While I know it must have been terrible to have to hear and feel and witness this, and I don\'t know if I could stand it, I AM 100% WITH ANDY. (?only Dick Cheney?...sounds mild! ,,,,,REALLY WHAT ABOUT THE CAPITALIST PIG HEALTHCARE SYSTEM HOOVERING UP SOOOOO MUCH $)

This whole cancer medical scenario is beyond words. This is torture and torment to all involved most certainly to the afflicted patient . And how could anyone stand this happening to YOUR CHILD.....

And now Sarah I AM WITH YOU....the kind and knowing mother who asked the nurse for help for her understandably distressed son.
....why did you have to ask, couldn\'t she have just done this? Maybe if MORE cancer patients let the truth out like this things would begin to change....Maybe if FEWER mothers had to assist the nurses to be compassionate and merciful there would be more change...Maybe if all the medical people had to have themselves practiced on there would be more change....all that aside

Now the dark side of the moon has turned it\'s face to you and I am with you....

love and comfort
RememberKala
RememberKala

I don\'t even know how to respond...maybe a response isn\'t even necessary... I send you so much love! What a gift you were to Andy in those darkest of times.
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

What comes up for me as I read this is your steadfastness in the midst of uncertainty and deep, deep love for each other. How could one not explode and rage over this assault to one\'s body and soul?! The spewing of the volcano with it\'s magma, hot molten lava and ash. The rising of the Phoenix out of the ash... perhaps the darkness is needed for now... think of all the things that need darkness in which to grow. Sending love to all those gaps/spaces that need some extra soft cushioning and tenderness and illumination when you are ready...With love dear, dear Sarah. XO Joanie
KandL
KandL

Andy was bent, but didn\'t break! He knew his loving mom, his safety net, his soft place to fall was with him and is with him now and forever. No more pain, no more hurt or tears for your amazing son. It is his beautiful mom who needs TLC now. The worst has already happened and slowly, with ups and downs, you will heal. Six months IS hard. Sending you so much love, understanding and prayers for lighter days, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sarah, I read your story with heartfelt pain and awe at how you maintained strength to carry not only yourself, but your child...I am a caring and compassionate nurse, and although I have not had any in depth experience with Cancer, I have been through other extreme illnesses and death with my patients. Your journals open up to me the \"inside story\" of Cancer so much better than any medical book...thank you for sharing your story...Maybe you should write these experiences in a book to share with others one day...medical schools and nursing schools especially....peace to you...
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

I so understand Andy\'s rage ~ I can only imagine that is how I would behave under similar circumstances. I never believe People Magazine when they say how \"brave and peaceful\" celebrities dying of cancer are. Poor, sweet Andy ~ betrayed by his own body and then by the whole system (or perhaps in reverse order...)

Sarah ~ YOUR strength and courage in carrying Andy through this unspeakable ordeal amazes and inspires me.

I send thoughts of utmost peace and comfort to you today ~ Debbie
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

p.s. I also remember the six month marker and it does feel very much like the dark side of the moon ~ like I was staring down an endless abyss of dark, dreary days of no Corrie here on earth and just plodding through whatever years I have left.

Again ~ my heart embraces you today ~ Debbie
biowoman
biowoman

As with losing a child, the only people that can know this pain are those that have lived through and with cancer and its treatment. However, I hear and feel in your words the pain and sorrow and anger that lives in a person suffering from it. To me it sounds like you were his \"safe place\" where he could go and feel and express openly and honestly how horrible it was for him. And, my friend, what a relief and a blessing you were...an awesome gift you gave Andy...love and gentle hugs...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have read your story and what I see is a very strong mother who felt like she was weak.....and I remember so many horrific times with Dad and others in horrible health situations, and I know that when those awful days hit, as the parent, child, whatever, we do what we have to do to help them through, and you certainly did. Hallmarks, like the half-year mark, are so hard to face....sometimes I think it\'s because you\'re no longer able to do for him and be strong for him, etc. Intellectually, you know what was best for him in the end happened, but that doesn\'t stop you from being a mother and wishing you could still do \"just one more thing\" for him. I get it, I went through it with both my parents, one so recently. I am still walking around wandering what I could have made him for supper several weeks ago that he would have been able to eat and get down. Still planning, plotting, hoping, wishing, yet knowing it is all for naught. The biggest key I have found with losing someone very close was taught to me by my therapist. She said it is critiical to \"find another place for the person in your life\".... whether it be a mental place or a physical place....it can be very creative or something small. It can be their resting place, or a table top in your house filled with memorabilia. It can be a journal you keep daily where you talk to him only. I found my mother\'s place.....she is still very much alive in spirit, and proves it by sending strategically placed pennies and feathers. Not just any old penny lying in the street, I have to look for the signs. And there are other things that have happened that prove she is in Heaven and working hard, but beautifully happy. I now see her this way and talk to her a lot. I have to work on a Dad place now, but it takes time to see what develops....sometimes they end up making the place for you. Maybe you already have a special place you\'ve created for your son so that he is still very much in your life....if not, I hope you consider it, it helps so much.

Love,
Becky
BinkyH
BinkyH

Sarah, I can only understand what you are saying due to the rage. My rage is against drugs, drug dealers, drug lords and whatever the hell that has happened to all of us that have allowed this drug epidemic to happen. You are still extremely new into this journey (wow, does not seem so long ago that I was) and you have far to travel. Love and hugs my friend. Belinda