The Cycle of Depression

I am in the throws of a major depression. It makes sense based on what I've been through. It's funny how I can intellectually acknowledge it but can't overcome it.  I know it's here.  I don't want it to be here. I can't break the cycle.
The thought of starting up therapy again and getting on some kind of anti-depressant completely overwhelms me.  I guess I want my healing to be easy.  Effortless.
This has been my entire life.  In and out of depression.  Up, down, up down, up down.  I'm tired and I want it all to be over.  I really do.
Something has to give.  Either life or me.  I have stopped praying because I don't believe God is going to help me.  Or, I guess I should say, I do not like God's timeline.  I want peace now.  God has other plans.  Why is this so hard?  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.  I could probably cry for days without any sense of relief or release.  I am the saddest person in the world.
I don't know if anybody is reading this.  It's a cry for help.  But who would help me?  I'm the one who has to fix and save everybody else. I can't fix or save myself.
These are my deepest, darkest thoughts and I just want to die.  Really, I do. I don't think I have the courage to do it though.  I am a failure at that too. 
God, I make myself sick.