the constant drilling

drill drill drill it is in there did i plant it. shoiuld i have just let it swirl. Maybe but i spoke a truth. every since i have been a kid speaking truths has not been a great thing for me. I spoke out against my dad and it ruined my life. I spoke out against my mom and was tormented. I spoke out against my sister and i lost my family. Honestly now i am concerned about losing the only thing i have left. Im losing me. who is me? why doies it even matter. RIght now my husband hates me. He says he loves me but he doesnt. My kids are really suffering because of me. I pretend to be a great mom but i am not. My kids are kind of damaged because of me. My oldest has autism. my younger one has sensory processing. And my baby has something im just not sure what. i think they might be more happy if they had a mom who was more on it. they might benefit from a mom who new more about thier disorders. one who had more energy. One who was brave enough to walk away from a marriage that isnt really that. i feel sick so many thoughts geeze and they are so loud. the pains hit me like a massive wave. i just need to breath. i just need to bleed. but i cant. so long i have put them all first as i should but now i am drowining. no one cares about me when i am drowning. thanks giving is coming up. i had all these plans of how i would cook and wed have a real family dinner. But now we wont be my family will be with my husbands family and i will be home. home thinking about all the things i could do to fix this to set things right. my thoughts are so deructive lately. I am aware of the potential i try to feed in positive. but something came a loose and i simply dont care i just want relief. i feel like a different person. in therapy i talked about the fact my mom doesnt give a shit about me. it just solidified that no one else does. my sister doesnt. maybe my dad does a bit. or maybe hes just reliving the past with the scent of my three year old vagina on his finger tips. huh my mom swear she saw it. can i trust that. i am good at that. taking in others pain through sex. thats the other thing thats been surfacing. its like i cant count on my hands how many times i have been assaulted. i dont remember a whole lot before the age of 3. but that what i do remember could write a best seller. maybe i willd o that write a best seller so that everyone else in the world can know how distgusting i am. there was not a year since i can remember after the age of three that i have not lived through some heart break. some diviant sexual terror. or some physical ripping appart. or some emotional game. i remember it all. i push it back so that i can try to fit into this impossiblke mold of the perfect valley woman. the fact is i never will. i cant be first because the color of my skin goes directly against that. the life i have lived goes against that. my sexuality which i cant live or ill be kick out of church cant go through that. The twist about that one is is it okay for my husband too everyone says so. but if i were to i be called filthy and look at as less than. but that is just me i have always been less than born unlucky. ugh this thought is pounding no drilling into my head and probably will not go away. i wish it was thanks giving so that i could remove it properly. ugh i feel sooo messed up so sick so disabled by all of this. i am a joke just one huge joke that exist only to make people feel good about thier lives i am the soul dakening example. maybe i wont have to hold on to this much longer. maybe it will be eternity. Maybe the gates of hell sit waiting for me. everyone i trust in someway or sometime lies they all lie so i stop trust. my chest may arms just burn all the way to my forearms why am i fighting this urge to let it out. why am i fighting the urge to let my soul out. my kids  i dont want to hurt them. My husband even though he hurts me does not deserve me hurting him. I am going to end up alone whether that is in hell or in life its inevitable. when you are born with a tainted soul that just happens.