The burden of the past
I can't help but blame myself. The pain I harbor in my heart rips me apart on a daily basis. For a 11 years I have carried the burden of what has happened to me on my shoulders. I feel as if I could have done more, I could have stopped it. The question swarms in my mind, "Is it my fault?" The first time I was abused I was 4, I finally realized it was wrong when I was about 7. When I told, the pain I saw in my mothers eyes was unbearable. The way people looked at me like I was helpless, It was horrific. I didn't want to go through the process again, so when a different man came along and did the same thing I couldn't tell, partly because of who it was. I let this filthy man put his hands on me. I am too afraid to tell, I am afraid of what people would think of me. I am a broken mess that has became damaged. How could anyone want me after I have been used so many times? I can't wash the filth I feel from my skin, I can't remove the feeling of his hands on my body. The worst part is that I sit in my room and cry over what I have lost and no one knows why. I pretend like everything is alright while I am slowly deteriorating on the inside, I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I wish I could tell, speak his name, ruin him like he ruined me, but I am too weak and afraid.
Replies
Hi, Catsie. Well done for finding this community and posting. It took a lot of courage, I\'m sure. You\'ve made a significant step in starting healing, even by posting this, here and in the forum.
You keep asking yourself, \'Is it my fault?\' Well is it? Is it ever a child\'s fault that they are abused? Even if you had said \'yes\' to your abuser, it still wouldn\'t be your fault. As a child you don\'t have the capacity to understand so you can\'t give meaningful consent. So, how could it be your fault? Even if some of the touching felt good, it still wasn\'t your fault. All that means is that he touched you in ways that made your body do what it\'s designed to do.
If I poked you in the eye, would it hurt? Water? Screw up? Even if you wanted that not to happen, could you stop it responding? The sexual response is just the same. If you\'re touched in a way that stimulates that part of your body, it WILL respond, even if you don\'t want it to. That doesn\'t make it your fault, any more than your eye watering if I poked it would be your fault.
You don\'t indicate how old you are or anything more of your situation, but I wonder if you can access counselling? In many places there are women\'s refuge, sexual assault / rape crisis lines, and the likes which offer free support and may be able to offer counselling. If you\'re a student, your college may offer counselling too.
Message me if you\'d like to talk about it.
Take care of and be gentle on yourself. And, as I said, well done for posting here.