The burden of guilt
Guilt is my burden,thou I think it unjustly so. I feel that they all don't know. This pain I feel inside my gut. I want to cry, I just cant, but... I feel this burden way inside. I drag it down so it can hide. In places that are so very deep. Lock away for only me to keep. Right now, I feel sad, guilty and ashamed. I feel alone. I feel regected. I feel worthless. I feel less than. This is how I feel. It doesnt make it real,but it sure does feel that way. I wonder why this happen to me? I wonder every day. My tears want to be released. To give my soul some peace. I cannot cry, and let them go. Maybe they'll come, I never know.
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I seem to have lost my way. Wandering down the whinding road, sprinkled with scatter rocks. Rugged edges, bent into complacent art. I\'v seem to lost my way. I was headed down the isle, made a left at the pew and went straight ahead tothe alter. I think I might have lost my way, I can\'t seem to remeber. We left the alter together, fingers intwined in each other with a pair of matching golden ring.
Your hands I did adore,so strong and rough adorned with the ring I slipped on your finger. Time,....it..it,tells all. I wait for your arrival as I arrange the hot food on you plate. Everything much be...just right. Fresh garlic,sweet peppers, and tomatoes pick fromthe garden, spinch pasta, hot dinner rolls, complimented with slow steamed sweethuttered carrots, used to be elegant, yes festively garnish around the entire well prepared meal.
You began to take pleasur in the food I prepard speciall of you. You tell me how sweet and mouth watering the salad was. You said they were they best that you had \"ever tasted\" I brought out the trays of cornish hens. They were still sizzling,brown lightly crispt skin, the inside the meat can fall from it\'s bone and tenderly into your mouth, just the wa you like it. When you are done you get up from the table and go upstairs. I Dont remember somethng, but I gotta get the dinner dishes clean, and the table and countertops. I clean in circular motions to perfect a gleam. I go to tell him what i remembered and turned to go p the steps, that I hafdly wouldve noticed him flying by. before i could speak, he said a few basic sentences and was out the door. So,know I know that their is something that I need to do.........
Oh Shadow dear...YOU are on my heart this morning and when I clicked on your profile to check in on you, I could see why...oh dear...if only I could hold your hand and sit and assist those tears in springing forth from the depths of your soul and up and out like a fountain of heavenly release..my dear sister, I am near in spirit, I am right there with you...I wish I could hug you my sister while you are hurting so, and feeling torn in two,,,but you WILL do all the right things for YOU, I know you will...it\'s not easy, but I did it, and you WILL do it, when you make up your mind to do something, it\'s done! Miss you in Calming Waters dear...come post something for us won\'t you? Pour out your tears there and when you leave I know your soul will be refreshed...I learned in the hospital recently that I can no longer hold back tears that need to flow..it\'s ok to cry...it\'s ok to cry....it\'s ok to cry..it\'s worse to hold it down deep inside where it can fester and grow like a cancer so get it out my sister, get it out...I love you dear Shadow!!! lil
I want to let go of my fear. I am still hurting. Holdiday was so hard for me not having my kids, bt on top of it to make everything worst they were with my stbx andhis mistress. I have a bad cough. I am taking medicine with codien. I have a infection. I feel scared of not being honest and in relapse mode. I want a cig. this sucks. bye
You are not alone.Empathy is yours,sympathy,I will hold onto for a while,it\'s turned a little inward at the moment.Your tears have a job to do,they will insist you let them by.